Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
We are said to all live a life in love, or in fear. This abomination of categories places us among the scum that feeds off the fungus that grows intertwined in the crevasses between our toes. But who are we? We are that very scum. We are not special, nor unique, just organisms surviving amongst each other.
Love is, however, a comical thing, gently pecking at the senses, heightening them to a point of insanity, insanity that we call 'normal' and 'acceptable'. Love in all actuality is not 'okay', it never was. It clouds our minds, shifting the already corrupted choices we make, into irrational alternatives, somehow we find this comforting and 'cute'. O! Woe but society today is fabricated from the very principals of madness.
Love entombs us in its cold grasp hopping us up on an unknown euphoria, giving us the illusion of sanity and security. Love is a spider that secretes itself in the murky recesses of our mind. It waits, for its perfect moment, the moment to ensnare the bits of morality we have left, the bits of humanity we cling to, if we're lucky, and it ingests it whole, eventually spewing it out of its ass. That, my friend, is love.
However I do pity those who find themselves ensnarled in loves' web, waiting for it to consume them. Though to the best of their knowledge, they might not have when in reality, they are long gone. Those long gone are far past the point of no return, the gates slammed in their faces, stealing any hopes of escape that danced through their mind, a single plan of escape, however, did linger over their heads. Escape through death. That was my personal choice. When I found myself ensnared in the intricate web of amor est arancas web, the emotion consumed me whole, past the point of no return and past those infamous golden gates.
Vincent his name was. It would be my pleasure, if you so please, to enthrall you with my accounts of Vincent Frezzier.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this was a very interesting intro here...I do like the general feel of this story...and it certainly intrigued me enough to want to read more of it here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, that's a pretty bleak outlook on life in general there to start things off here, calling everyone scum...and talking of two very opposing categories there. Well, it certainly manages to catch your attention there with a beginning like that one. You definitely wonder what could've brought someone to be comparing everyone to straight up scum here.
Okay...that is quite a negative view on love there...this seems to be painting a picture of love as some sort of thing that tempts you with all sorts of things but never pays off...at least that is the vibe I am getting from this at the moment...and well, it definitely makes things even more interesting to think of why someone would choose to describe love in this particular fashion.
Well...that was definitely some icing on the cake there as far as a terrible image of love goes, it looks like this is someone that has truly been wronged by love quite a few times to be comparing it to things that are this bad...its not too often you run into views such as this on love in a story...and they always definitely have quite a story behind them...which definitley means this works very well as an intro here to get a reader wanting to find out more.
Well, that last paragraph certainly promises that there is quite a tale, and one that might just be a very sad one at that awaiting us in the story itself..and it appears this is some form of narrator about to talk of the life of this one Vincent who experienced this particular. Well..I was imaging Vincent himself saying this but if he did in fact die there....I suppose this makes more sense...well, at any rate, it has been a pretty intriguing intro here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this one definitely catches your attention as a reader. It seems like the sort of story I may have continued to read here. Anyway that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like this piece. It has a nice voice and the narrator is very unique. The imagery and figurative language is also very evident. The word choice is clear and very well thought out. A reader can definitely get pulled into this intro.
A few critiques I have though:
" is not 'okay', it never". I feel as though there should be a semi-colon here, as the phrases seem connected but not as a sentence. There should be a larger pause here instead of a simple comma.
"secretes". Secretes sounds more like the spider is exiting or oozing out of the mind. Might a better word be 'injects' or something of that nature? Just a suggestion.
"spewing it out of its ass." I feel as if this strays away from the narrator's personality and is a bit brash for the voice. So far this person has sounded very calm and collected, as well as a bit more educated. I feel as though this phrase fits for a much more aggravated person, and this narrator might not feel as quick as to use such language unless discussing a donkey.
Great job! Keep writing!
Hello, my friend.
First, this is only the intro, so I will reserve this review to simply tell you my thoughts at this point.
The key to a perfect intro is to have the reader hooked. As it is now, it seems to be a very lengthy description of love. Some readers may be interested, but I would recommend something else. The final three or four sentences, in my opinion, are by far the most interesting. They establish a character, which I believe to be the protagonist, let the reader look forward to something, and seem sinister and playful. I don't really think you need the first two paragraphs and the beginning of the third one. They just seem to clutter the reader's eyes.
Overall, I would say that you the start to an interesting story. I am interested, if that means anything. Please, keep me posted on the development of this story. I would like to know more. Happy Writing!
First of all, I would like to thank you for your very helpful review! And I will most definitely consider the suggestions you have provided above. The review really does help a lot and I can see where you're coming from. And I think I will revised the intro and make it shorter with less useless rambling so it does not, so to speak, 'clutter the reader's eyes'. I will most definitely keep this review in mind as I finalize Day One and Two.
Again, thank you for this review, it was so immensely helpful in ways even I can't comprehend.
Best Wishes,
Mikell