Sanctuary: There i was here I am

I’m already awake, but I’m just waiting to hear it…still waiting.

“Niles get up! It’s time for school!”

Yep there it is. That sound for whom the bell tolls. I can already hear them screaming their arses off like a bunch of chimps, all thanks to the fact I live so close to school. As I look out of my window I can see them all on the schools top yard: my ‘friends’, the moshers, the bullies, the white trash, the slutty girls etc. The same old view of my fellow pupils. I can’t pretend to be sick again, I did that yesterday. I think my dad knew I was lying, he probably only let me off because he felt sorry for me, but he wouldn't do that again “school was too important for my future.” as he always said. I appreciated the fact that instead of getting me up gently, my mum thought it necessary to consistently shout from the top of the landing, as if the annoyance I felt in a school morning wasn't bad enough. I have to drag myself out of bed to get dressed. I hated my school clothes; they made me look like a chav (the term we used to describe white trash) they weren't even the right size but my cheap parents said I would grow into them, but it was more that they wouldn't spend extra money on clothes that actually fitted. I shoved open the bathroom doors and looked at my face in the mirror, I was a mess. I lazily brushed my teeth, washed my face and came down stairs. I had to do all of this all within the space of half an hour, all just to go to a place that might as well be called youth prison. But it is what it is, right? Isn't that what you always used to say to me brother? But then again you and I are totally different people. But today was special for two reasons, one because today was a Friday, meaning that after today I had two days off; secondly because, finally after a whole year, I would reunite with my friend Joe. Although it was something I had mixed emotions about.

So I left the house, after my mum gave me a half heart felt “Have a good day at school.” I hate the walk to school; my journey always includes me walking past the school fence, allowing people on the top yard to see me walking by. It’s unwanted attention. There’s always some idiot shouting my name from the top of his voice or coming up with some unoriginal insult, such as “Niles you gay boy!” or “Who’s the faggot, oh wait its Niles.” Etc. (I wasn't gay by the way, that was just how people would talk) I’m forced to walk by now. I quickly speed up and keep my head down as I walk past. Hopefully no one will see me. “Niles!” 'Damnit!' I think to myself. Come on Niles, ignore them. “Niley boy!” someone shouts, it sounds like Cameron. Just pretend you don’t hear them, keep your calm.” I mumble to myself. “Oi Niles you gay piece of-” I turned the corner just in time. I’m safe from verbal abuse, for now. At least the rest of the walk to school won’t be stressful. The bell rang just as I got into school. I went to go up the stairs to my form room when I saw Cameron with a mate. He smiled when he saw me; he blocked my path and held out his arms. “Stairs blocked, under construction, you’ll need to go round.” I wasn’t in the mood for this and I shoved past his arm and ran up to my form room, hoping I wouldn’t get hit on the way up, but all he said was, “Gay boy.” ;amazingly I made it to form on time. I arrived last, the problem with arriving to form last was that five other guys and I liked to sit next to each other on the back table, but there were only five seats. Tom looked at me and smiled, he knew I would have to grab a chair and sneak into positioning myself at the end of the table; without Mr Harper noticing. So that’s what I did. I grabbed, I snuck, I positioned. Yes! He didn't notice! Then he noticed. He came over quietly. “You can’t sit there Niles, you’re going to have to move.” You've got to be kidding me, I thought to myself. “Why?” I asked, whilst suppressing frustration. “I don’t cause any disruption, do I? I don’t cause any problems.” The teacher sighed “Listen, there’s a spot available on Megan’s table and one on Harrys’ table, take your pick.” Take my pick? Take my pick! Was he honestly giving me these ridiculous options?! Did he honestly not think as to what might happen if I was on those tables? Did he not even think I would be exposed to ridicule?! He has given me the option of the bitchy table or I the bully table… Arsehole! I kept a calm composure on the outside, but on the inside I wanted to grab his fat ugly face and mash it into the table. So I went for option C. I smiled. “I need the toilet.” he and I both knew I didn't need it, but he couldn't say no; it was one of the only times I was allowed to go “Fine.” he grumbled “But be quick.” So I arrived back fifteen minutes later, “conveniently” the same time form ended. I grabbed my bag (hoping the other guys hadn't’t stolen something) and left to go to lesson, smiling at the teacher on the way out.

Maths, I hate maths. At exactly what point in my life will I need to know how to factories a quadratic? Luckily maths was only down one flight of stairs from my form room. As I went down I saw Jack. Jack was my best friend. He was probably the only friend, who was actually my friend. The only friend I actually liked and got along with, the only one whose company I enjoyed; but then again he could me a douche when he wanted too.

“Hey jacks, what’s up; did you see the match between Randy Orton and Triple H?”

Oh by the way, we were big fans of wrestling.

“Yeah, can’t believe Randy Orton won.”

“What do you mean? Randy Orton’s mint!”

“Why do you always support the bad guys?”

“Cause they’re better.”

I heard footsteps clomping up the stairs, footsteps that soon found their way next to me. Keith put his arm round me: “Niles I need to tell you something, your friends a moron.” My friendship with Keith was complicated. At time he could be really funny, but he couldn’t be trusted and when he was with his friends he was a total arsehole. Also his friend Mason was…oh god, that’s him, that’s his laugh. Masons laugh sounded like a hyenas’, every time you heard it you wanted to staple his mouth shut so no one would ever have to experience the torture of listening to the bullshit that fell out of the arse that was his mouth.

“Jack is it true you’re going out with Seth?”

Mason was the biggest kiss ass I had ever seen, especially around Keith. When he was alone he never said anything to anyone, but when Keith was around he miraculously grew balls. It was funny to me, observing this guy. I wondered whether he acted this way because he was a straight up arsehole, or because he had had problems in his past; the evil in me hoped it was because he had family problems, god knows he would have deserved them. I always had to resist the urge to savagely attack his stupid face and that’s coming from me, a guy who couldn’t and wouldn’t fight a fly in rain. Everything about his face: his eyes, his ‘I’m a dick please hit me’ goading and provocative smile, his unusually elf like ears, his freckles, his humongous nose (which was probably how he could always locate Keith’s arse as he spent so much time there), all formed together to form one great big ‘punch-tastic, please hate me, I’m white trash that should never have existed, because I was squeezed out of Lucifer’s unholy inner rectum, which is obvious as I always talk shit and was so bad that even hell wouldn’t accept me’ face. Jack ignored his comment, or at least tried to as immediately after Keith joined in.

“It’s always nice when two downies find each other.” This was followed by Mason’s laugh, which rang out like nails on a chalk board; but at the same time I could admire the view of Mason, yet again, sticking his nose so far up Keith’s arse that came in the form of Keith’s unfunny joke.

“Lay of Jack, Keith.” I insisted “Just stop, why do you always have to be such a dick, if you don’t like him just don’t speak to him.”

“He can’t understand me remember.” Keith slyly replied “He speaks the language of spaz.” Jack ignored it. I felt sorry for him. He suffered from diabetes and it was bad, bad as in he had to have at least five injections per day or else he would die. He got bullied a lot as well, not messed around with, but brutally bullied. He had messy curly brown hair, a below average height with a puny and frail figure and a short temper to match.

“So Niles” Mason said with his smirked smile “How many dogs did you eat today” Shit. The attention is now on me. I came from Asian heritage; my dad’s dad was Asian, meaning that I was quarter Asian, meaning I came from a culture where they ate dogs and were known for have small genitals, meaning that it was inevitable that racial jokes would ensue. It was now that I got to see Keith’s brutal barrage of jokes that, in gaming terms, couldn’t be blocked and were pretty much one hit kill. In other words there were no comebacks or any insults I could make in return; all that was lest was to take the constant punishment that was now sure to ensure for the rest of the day. “Hey Niles, what’s dog backwards?” “Hey Niles did you eat your cat for desert?” “Hey Niles, what’s your mum cooked you for lunch, Noodle soup?” “Niles how’s your downstairs Asian persuasion?” “Hey Niles you shake like a shitting dog.” (I also shake a lot, I don’t know why. I’ve had this problem since I was little and it doesn’t even have anything to do with the cold.) I was forced to listen to all of this whilst all the while Mason giggled his little arse off like the unevolved ape he was, and Keith, taking it as a form of encouragement, continued to constantly barrage me with insults. I put on a brave exterior, but on the inside it hurt like hell. I was proud of my heritage and I loved China, it hurt to be talked like that even though I was obviously white and not Asian. But what could I do? I wasn’t a fighter and if I hit one of these guys I would still have to see them day after day and they would verbally make me pay for it. Not only that but I heard this every day. Keith genuinely thought nothing was wrong with what he was saying, but it hit close to home, not that Keith have a fuck anyway, the stupid prick. “Hey Niles-“He went to jokes, before “Come in class.” Yes, saved by the teacher. You know what they say, it’s not over till the fat lady sings, and the teacher was definitely a fat lady, she couldn’t quite sing, but it was close enough.

So there I am in math class, learning how to ‘manipulate a surd’. Maths, I hate maths. At least we weren’t learning how to factorise a quadratic, but in its own right manipulating a surd was just as boring; god forbid I enjoy a maths lesson. To be honest I really didn’t care about having the ability to manipulate a surd, especially not over having the ability to manipulate a dickhead from being a dickhead. But unfortunately, as cruel fate would have it, I was only allowed to manipulate shitty numbers with rules that made no sense and had no relevance to real life. I could still hear them giggling, they did that thing I like to call a loud whisper, you know where people make out like they’re trying to be quite, but are actually saying it loud enough for you to hear because they want you to listen to them insulting you. You know, that cowardly and pathetic way of insulting someone, because they weren’t brave enough to say it to your face. Not that I would do anything anyway because I had muscles roughly the same size of their brain, meaning I didn’t have any. Plus I was totally soft, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t fight more than that I couldn’t fight, but I suppose all this gave me a greater tolerance level for school kids because, after all, if you’re a boy in school who is weak and unpopular god knows you’ll need to be. I just pretended I didn’t hear, but they got louder, to the point where that they knew it was impossible that I couldn’t hear them. Some boys sitting next to them joined in by asking “Why are you saying he eats dogs?” to which Keith replied “He’s quarter Asian.” Even though they knew this, because everyone knew it, they still acted as if they didn’t know “Is he!” One of the boys said in a monotone voice of surprise; you know where they act as if they’re surprised so they can pretend to involuntarily offend you even though they mean to be offensive. I didn’t know if it was Regan or Billy, but I knew what I was going to hear next “Hey Niles how many dogs do you eat for breakfast?” And so there it was, fate had decided that the ginger prick Billy would join the ‘piss of Niles parade’…great.I could hear Regan laughing beside him and that stupid laugh of Masons. Jack came to my aid and so did Nick, the guy who was also on my table, I appreciated his friendship too. My friendship with Nick had took a few twists and turns over the years, mainly because I used to be a bit of an idiot towards him and when he had finally had enough and he confronted me, my ego got insulted and I refused to apologise and thus a great hostility existed between us for quite some time. But we became friends again and all was green once more. What was so great about Jack coming to my aid was that whenever I paid more attention to jack than I did to Keith, Keith got jealous and Jack knew it. Jack turned to me. “Oh Niles, I nearly forgot to ask, did you follow me on twitter yet?” I smiled, “Oh yeah I did” I replied. The reason we said this was because Keith had practically been begging me to follow him on twitter for the past two months and I had been saying no. Needless to say, after this brief conversation, Keith and his little lapdog didn’t say a word; plus Billy and Regan couldn’t entertain themselves with my Asian heritage for too long and they also shut up soon after. The teacher announced to the class, soon after “For this task you can work with a partner on the computers today if you like.” So naturally Jack and I did that weird glance at each other. You know that creepy glance when two friends want to work together and it’s vital you make eye contact with that person first so that no one else steals your partner. It’s not really a glance more than a creepy stare that guys make like when they see a hot girl and it’s like they’re saying to their mate ‘I’m going in’ or when you get stuck on a question and you desperately look at your friend for help, because you don’t want to look like an idiot to the rest of the class by asking the teacher; the glare that basically says ‘work with me’ as if your friend will suddenly be drawn like a moth to the flame to your wide eyes and persistent nodding. The rest of the day was pretty harmless and I soon found myself at lunchtime.

The worst thing about school is that i can see my house from the top yard. I just stand, looking at my bedroom window, longing to be there. Longing to be curled up in bed with my ipad as i watched funny videos on YouTube, relaxing and ultimately just losing myself with not a care in the world. I guess it wasn't all bad, because whenever i looked up at my bedroom window, my imagination would go wild and i could forget all the foolishness and screaming that went on around me. It was difficult to see my bedroom window as a tree branch blocked the sight of the bottom half of it; as if school itself was trying to deny me my mental sanctuary and cave me in to this prison. Suddenly my imagination stopped, i felt a pain at the back of my head and when i looked down i saw a large chunk of biscuit. I turned round and there was Mason and Keith with their year 11 friends, laughing. One of the year 11 guys Richard Chapel. To be fair i did look like him, with my facial features and my short stuffy black hair; but it was no reason for him to act the way he did to me. Simple minded, all of them. It was a fact, but it still didn't give me any comfort or relieve me of getting tired oy their actions. It was probably worse knowing that they were simple minded, as i knew this meant they would never change. In a way i wished they wouldn't change, because as i hated them i knew that if they carried on with their lives as they were, they were sure to have miserable futures. Damn! This was the problem with school, it always brings out the evil in me. I knew my thoughts were wrong but i revelled in them, i encouraged them. I hated it because I knew it affected my general personality. I used to be stronger than this, happier than this, but years of this stupidity and folly gradually wore me down to the point where any minute action against me would cause a deep hostile contempt to whoever comitted the act; but it wouldn't last long. School also teaches you tolerance, but i don't know whether that's a blessing or not, because even though it always allows me to keep a calm composure on the outside, it drains me on the inside. It's like a black hole in my stomach, sucking in all good emotion and thought and giving way to hatred and contempt. School has taken my dignity and has given nothing in return. The funny thing about all of it was that i didn't even consider myself to be a bully victim, this was just the way of life for people at school. It was dog eat dog (no pun intended for my heritage) and if you weren't conforming or following the bandwagon, you were a victim. And trust me, no one, and i mean no one, wants that attention. I hung round a group of friends who i had been hanging round since primary school. There were other members but the main members consisted of the trie that was me, Adam and James. We were the only ones still 'sticking together' from primary. We didn't even like each other and we all knew it. We all talked behind each others backs and i knew that when i wasn't with them ,they were talking about me (I'll talk more about theswe two later). The worst thing about it was that I knew i was doing wrong and that there were better people to communicate with, but it couldn't be helped; until the day I could hopefully stumble upon such a group of people. Because the thing about school is, that even if you don't like the group you're hanging round, it's still a group, and that's what's important. If you aren't in a group, surviving at school can be extremely difficult and you will become a victim. The bigger the group the less the target. That's why I often moved round to different people, some who i didn't even know that well, just to make sure i was constantly moving and communicating with someone (which lessens the chance of being picked on). Often a lot of us would form a massive group and most of us didn't even know each other that well. But we had one thing in common, we were all unpopular. It would become a big group of umpopular guys and girls and to be honest a lot of our communication was sarcasm and making fun of each other. It wasn't really true friendship, which was why i valued Jacks friendship so much, it was pretty much the only sane and logical friendship I had with anyone. To be fair i didn't exactly portray myself as a likeable person to people. I too could be very sarcastic, unwelcoming and cold in communication, which although i always know i shouldn't be doing, it's simply what the majority is doing. Not that it's an excuse, but it's a fact, a social truth that, in order to get along easier in school you must indulge in this behaviour. Even though i knew that if i opened up to other people they may open up too and i might finally be able to form to friendships; we were all too insecure and afraid of letting our gaurds down to attempt something like that. Well some of us are too afraid, others aren't.

Last lesson was Spanish. There was no lessin i did worse in more than Spanish. For the 'easiest language in the world' it was godamn difficult. It wasn't even that i didn't try, despite what the teacher might like to think, it's just that i find languages hard to get the hang of. Unfortunately the teacher didn't believe that and decided that it would be a good idea for my self esteem to have a go at me and anyone who didn't achieve what she thought they should be achieving. Oldham, the town where i lived, wasn't exactly known for its top notch teaching and much worse can be said on the general city itself. So there I am sat in spanish when i hear Jake hestitantly say to the teacher "Miss, i forget me book." The teacher stopped "Right that's a detention, get some paper!" he turned red "miss, where's the paper?" Jake asked fearfully.There had been a long war of conflict and hilarity between Jake and Miss Redburn. Jake who had been learning Spanish for four years at secondary, still didn't have the faintest idea how to speak the language. He was a huge idiot, but in the funny way, the kind that didn't try to act stupidly, but geuinely didn't have any idea to what was going on. Ha! Thinking about it now Jake looked like my dog when she tilts her head when she gets confused, so oblivious. But that's why people liked Jake, because what happened to him wasn't unfair, it was all his own fault, he was constantly zoning out. Whenever he would be asked a question he would always reply "Wha?!" or "Huh?" it was hilarious. Speaking of teacher, Miss Redburn was not to be trifled with; she was known for her strictness and unforgiving nature. So what happens when you put Jake and Miss Redburn in the same classroom? Hilarity ensues. Jack was also fat and freckly, which for some reason made it ten times funnier. "The papers where it normally is Jake." Jake panicked "Miss I don't know where it is!" I strongly had to resist the urge to laugh. If Jake was to be any character from TV he would be Baldrick. Jake slowly ascended from his chair and then began to walk quitely behind me "Niles, where's the paper?!" he exclaims to me in a whisper. I let out a squeack of repressed laughter as my face began to fill up red. I did know where the paper was, but this was too funny a moment to pass up. So I kid you not this is what he does. He begins to slowly glide round the entire silence filled classroom, whilst frantically looking in all directions for paper with drastic head movements. I find it so funny that I start biting my lip as not to burst out laughing. He looks over to me and mouthes 'where is it' my grin grew substantially. So finally, after he had circled the entire classroom, he decided to sit back down with absolutely nothing. He heard me let out quiet bits of laughter, he mouthed at me to shut up, but started laughing himself. "Jack where's your paper?!" the teacher asked in a fed up and enraged tone. "I couldn't....ha...I....I..ha..I couldn't find any!" Jack replied whilst bursting out with laughter.