mizz-iceberg wrote:Large and majestic,
Beautiful, commanding,
Resting on the earth.
Their wisdom budding in the leaves,
The grass, the trees that climb up their sides,
Towering up, up, above the clouds.
Pay homage to this elevated peek,
This regal loft.
Hear the loon cry,
The owl hoot,
The leaves rustle,
The rain drops patter,
Drumming on the green veined leaves. 'Leaves' is a little redundant in this line.
Hear the breeze murmur,
As it passes through.
From your plastic bubble, Plastic bubble? This confused me. I'm not sure what you mean by this, so try to expand on it.
You think the mountain sits silent,
But approach it,
And give it respect,
Open your heart
And listen.
The birds chatter to themselves,
The air whispers of adventure and mystery,
There is earnestness and sincerity in the damp dirt. I like this line and the one before it. They seem to flow nicely.
The fog does not stay silent,
Always lifting, moving, shifting,
Crystallized vapour. This line just seems out of place.
Let your heart soar with the mountain top,
The peak rising up from amidst the opaque mist.
The mountain watches over its children,
They thrive upon its arms, forearms and chest. Arms and forearms seems somewhat repetitive. Could you change one to something else?
The mist swirls, and the curtain drops.
You’ve turned away from the window.
On the whole, I don't really like this poem. The line length seems to vary too much, which can be pulled off, but in this poem it doesn't seem to flow quite right. In some places, the flow is very good, like in the fourth stanza, but most others it is choppy or just odd. Some of the stanzas need to be broken up more as well, because there are an almost confusing amount of commas. The concept of this poem has potential, but it needs to be trimmed up, because it is a bit confusing. I think you should keep working on this, because it can be made better, but it does need a good bit of work. I think it has some great ideas, and I would like to see them worked out into a masterpiece!
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
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