Young Writers Society

You know, I think you have a great start.

There were a few errors in there, but I think mostly everyone else has pointed them out to you.

I like the story so far, though.

I hope you post a second chapter.

I want to read it!

Those two crits kinda cover it all. There's very little substance and even as a snapshot its not really good as it is, as trident said, very cliche. Ask yourself, if you were to squash a story into two small paragraphs is that what you would end up with? Is this the best representation your story has? Dont treat as less important just because its short. It's length in this case is against you, in the sense that mistakes/imperfections are more immediately obvious.

Chuff, you didn't sound arrogant at all, so don't apologize. It was posted here so she could get a critique.

For me, this story was really an exercise in bad cliched writing.

His emerald green eyes darted across the orange horizon as the sea gently lapped up against the sides of the dark wooden dock.

The sea. It’s the thing that keeps us all connected…but when you really think about it, it also separates us from the rest of the world”

He felt a tear run down his cheek as she dissolved into the sunset, her body seeping into a million stars.

I like it. Is it part of anything longer?

On to the crit....

If you ever do that again, I wont come for you

She felt the coldness of his shadow fall and creep over her entire body and settle across her porcelain doll face

She felt the coldness of his shadow fall and creep over her entire body, settling across her porcelain doll face

Her eyes couldn’t focus on him at all; she bought a sleeve up to her face, pulled it across, scarring her...

she bought a sleeve up to her face, pulled it across

she lifted her head unveiling a smile as she did so

He was blind to what she really was: he would never see her real self