"Kotani" Incomplete story

He stopped. This surely couldn’t be the right place: no one could or would live down here. Or so he thought. “Form Street”. This was the place. The male turned his nose up at the sight of the street. Young children sat huddled up in dreary doorways, each with the same sullen expression plastered across their young faces. He felt their eyes on him as he carefully tread his way down the daunting street. No children of his – no matter what happened to them could have ended up in a dump like this. But they had. And there they were, right in front of his eyes. The baby and the slightly older boy sat crying, huddled up in the arms of their dying mother. He took a breath. She looked up at him. He pulled the trigger.

Kotani ran with the ‘Locals’. They were known as one of the top gangs in Nomia, with over half the city known as theirs. It had been a slow but gradual build up for their power over Nomia – but it still wasn’t enough. For over sixty years the ‘Locals’ and ‘Taphia’s’ had been fighting for full run of the city. But now in the year 2065 they seemed to keep things relatively peaceful. Only a mere two years before a settlement had been agreed between these two leading gangs – no fights in public. But this agreement was only made between the two leading gangs. Smaller, less important gangs took over the petty squabbles and fights, determined not to be snapped up by either leading gangs: there would be no fun in not fighting during the day. Kotani, however, seemed to be the only person happy with the agreement. He was not a particularly violent man, he did not cause fights and never intended to. He simply did what needed to be done. His brother, Ronin, was completely the opposite. Ronin was the leader of their gang, and, as Kotani put it ‘completely insane’. Kotani also thought that his larger than life brother was unnecessarily violent towards anyone and anything. Ronin never took the same peaceful approach to life like his brother, but despite their differences they were the best of friends. Their parents were killed when the boys were very young, Ronin being four and Kotani only a few months old – it knocked them back into the slums of Nomia. Ronin brought Kotani up, taught him right from wrong, and their close bond was formed. It would seem that they were inseparable, doing assignments together, training together, even lived together. That was the way it was. The members of the ‘Locals’ saw Ronin as their leader and Kotani as his right hand man.

Kisho ruled over the south side of Nomia. He was highly respected and quite possibly the most popular leader the ‘Taphia’s’ has ever seen. He was known for eliminating the last leader of the ‘Locals’, but he was yet to have an encounter with Ronin, but when he did he would be sure to make it interesting. Although the ‘Locals’ owned more of Nomia Kisho felt that his gang was much more powerful. Each gang had a strict ranking; six main members were ranked above all over members, then these six were put into their own rank of power. Kisho knew that the five ranked below him were extremely experienced fighters: they could easily take on any member of the ‘Locals’. And soon enough the ‘Taphia’s’ would suppress them, and take over the whole of Nomia.

The only thing holding him back from breaking the peace agreement was Ai Egami. He loved everything about her. Her laugh. Her smile. Her brown eyes. He loved everything. She was a petite woman, who was in her early twenty’s; she was only five foot three at the tallest. She was thin but had a beautifully toned stomach and slender arms. Her brown hair fell neatly to her shoulders, shaped around her face, maximising her beautiful features to the fullest. She was ranked number three. Kisho was petrified of loosing her, the love he could never have: as much as he trusted her he could never bear to live without her. If only she knew how he felt, maybe things would have been different.

Kotani’s hand fumbled around in his bag as he stood in the damp doorway. With the sudden downpour of heavy rain and the rush to get back to his home he didn’t anticipate the sudden weather change to bring his keys. A frown spread across his pale face as he failed to retrieve the one thing that could get him into the warm dry house. Already soaked through to the bone he slumped down onto the cold front door step. His eyes traced the low sky line as the sun slowly set over Nomia. The end of another unfulfilling day. This morning the ‘Locals’ had to take care of a petty fight in the docks, pick up another groups payment to them and sort out a bunch of teens wanting to join their group.

The teens took all of Kotani’s afternoon time as he didn’t feel they were up to scratch and had to question them on everything he could think of. Not many people took Kotani seriously. He did not look like a ‘tough guy’ or like that he was part of a gang. He had a feminine face, his skin looked soft to touch, and there were no flaws. His eyes were big and brown typical ‘puppy dog’ eyes, that any woman, or man for that matter could melt for. His lips were thin, but a piercing to the left hand side of his lip emphasised them well. His hair fell to his waist, but today, like most days, he had it tied back, with some hair into a pony tail and the rest left to fall down his back. His beautiful slender face was brought forward by his side fringe that chopped down and around his face. He was a tall man, measuring at 6”3, and very thin, with only a toned stomach and arms he didn’t look like he could hold his own in a fight. Today he wore a black skin tight t-shirt with the words ‘Climbing frame’ written in white across the front. Low rider jeans hung lifelessly off of his hips, slightly revealing the top of his black boxers. And to finish his look off, black converse sneakers, large black sunglasses and black visor complemented his whole appearance. Basically he was attractive and could probably get most people he desired. But Kotani wasn’t like that. He never used his looks to get him further in life and never intended to. Unlike Ronin. He had always said “If I had your looks Kotani, I would get every good looking bird in Nomia, then all the girls out of Nomia and be the king of all girls like…ever”.

Kotani always laughed at his brother’s obsession with girls; however, it was not his only downfall. He was violent, had extreme mood swings and hated anyone who called him crazy. He wasn’t usually like this to Kotani, although one time Ronin, who had been drinking mind you, took everything out on his unsuspecting brother. After shouting and Kotani receiving an undeserved punch from his brother, Ronin finally calmed down. After that he swore never to drink again. And that oath lasted two days, but he never again laid a finger on Kotani. Ronin’s violence was coming some what of a problem to Kotani. He had met a girl today, but regrettably never got her phone number or address, for fear of Ronin simultaneously shouting drunken abuse at her, or worse hitting her. But this time, as Kotani sat in the doorway, watching each rain drop fall from the grey sky, all he could think about was that girl.

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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:43 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this one was a bit of a mixed thing for me. On one end I really like all the wordbuilding and describing that you've done but as a story this just feels rather bland and just seems to have only descriptions in it, not to mention some record breakingly massive paragraphs. You really have to decide how much information is actually needed and also control the size of those paragraphs.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He stopped. This surely couldn’t be the right place: no one could or would live down here. Or so he thought. “Form Street”. This was the place. The male turned his nose up at the sight of the street. Young children sat huddled up in dreary doorways, each with the same sullen expression plastered across their young faces. He felt their eyes on him as he carefully tread his way down the daunting street. No children of his – no matter what happened to them could have ended up in a dump like this. But they had. And there they were, right in front of his eyes. The baby and the slightly older boy sat crying, huddled up in the arms of their dying mother. He took a breath. She looked up at him. He pulled the trigger.


Well that was quite the opening that you have there. It's certainly a great little description followed by an action that is always very good at grabbing attention.

Kotani ran with the ‘Locals’. They were known as one of the top gangs in Nomia, with over half the city known as theirs. It had been a slow but gradual build up for their power over Nomia – but it still wasn’t enough. For over sixty years the ‘Locals’ and ‘Taphia’s’ had been fighting for full run of the city. But now in the year 2065 they seemed to keep things relatively peaceful. Only a mere two years before a settlement had been agreed between these two leading gangs – no fights in public. But this agreement was only made between the two leading gangs. Smaller, less important gangs took over the petty squabbles and fights, determined not to be snapped up by either leading gangs: there would be no fun in not fighting during the day. Kotani, however, seemed to be the only person happy with the agreement. He was not a particularly violent man, he did not cause fights and never intended to. He simply did what needed to be done. His brother, Ronin, was completely the opposite. Ronin was the leader of their gang, and, as Kotani put it ‘completely insane’. Kotani also thought that his larger than life brother was unnecessarily violent towards anyone and anything. Ronin never took the same peaceful approach to life like his brother, but despite their differences they were the best of friends. Their parents were killed when the boys were very young, Ronin being four and Kotani only a few months old – it knocked them back into the slums of Nomia. Ronin brought Kotani up, taught him right from wrong, and their close bond was formed. It would seem that they were inseparable, doing assignments together, training together, even lived together. That was the way it was. The members of the ‘Locals’ saw Ronin as their leader and Kotani as his right hand man.


Okay what do we have here? A massive chunk of purely expositional narration. It just completely destroys the overall flow of the story and is just much too long to be allowed. Only a tiny fraction of all the information is really needed to understand the story so this paragraph needs a lot of trimming for it to sound good.

Kisho ruled over the south side of Nomia. He was highly respected and quite possibly the most popular leader the ‘Taphia’s’ has ever seen. He was known for eliminating the last leader of the ‘Locals’, but he was yet to have an encounter with Ronin, but when he did he would be sure to make it interesting. Although the ‘Locals’ owned more of Nomia Kisho felt that his gang was much more powerful. Each gang had a strict ranking; six main members were ranked above all over members, then these six were put into their own rank of power. Kisho knew that the five ranked below him were extremely experienced fighters: they could easily take on any member of the ‘Locals’. And soon enough the ‘Taphia’s’ would suppress them, and take over the whole of Nomia.


And even more exposition. This is starting to sound like a history lesson now and that's not a very good sign usually.

Kotani’s hand fumbled around in his bag as he stood in the damp doorway. With the sudden downpour of heavy rain and the rush to get back to his home he didn’t anticipate the sudden weather change to bring his keys. A frown spread across his pale face as he failed to retrieve the one thing that could get him into the warm dry house. Already soaked through to the bone he slumped down onto the cold front door step. His eyes traced the low sky line as the sun slowly set over Nomia. The end of another unfulfilling day. This morning the ‘Locals’ had to take care of a petty fight in the docks, pick up another groups payment to them and sort out a bunch of teens wanting to join their group.


And now we are finally back to the actual story. This part is actually some pretty good description and some very well depicted emotions of this person.

The teens took all of Kotani’s afternoon time as he didn’t feel they were up to scratch and had to question them on everything he could think of. Not many people took Kotani seriously. He did not look like a ‘tough guy’ or like that he was part of a gang. He had a feminine face, his skin looked soft to touch, and there were no flaws. His eyes were big and brown typical ‘puppy dog’ eyes, that any woman, or man for that matter could melt for. His lips were thin, but a piercing to the left hand side of his lip emphasised them well. His hair fell to his waist, but today, like most days, he had it tied back, with some hair into a pony tail and the rest left to fall down his back. His beautiful slender face was brought forward by his side fringe that chopped down and around his face. He was a tall man, measuring at 6”3, and very thin, with only a toned stomach and arms he didn’t look like he could hold his own in a fight. Today he wore a black skin tight t-shirt with the words ‘Climbing frame’ written in white across the front. Low rider jeans hung lifelessly off of his hips, slightly revealing the top of his black boxers. And to finish his look off, black converse sneakers, large black sunglasses and black visor complemented his whole appearance. Basically he was attractive and could probably get most people he desired. But Kotani wasn’t like that. He never used his looks to get him further in life and never intended to. Unlike Ronin. He had always said “If I had your looks Kotani, I would get every good looking bird in Nomia, then all the girls out of Nomia and be the king of all girls like…ever”.


That's a great description but it is just unnecessarily long here. You really do not need so much detail for a short story. Not even a novel has that much description usually. Its just way too big.

Well that was an ending that really take this story anywhere if you get what I mean.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So overall like I said I have mixed feelings about this one. But the idea at least seems sound...it definitely is very interesting. I hope to run into any part 2 that may have been written.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Stefan
Comment

Really, good. Might have to steal some of your writing techniques >:)

I Love the sixth paragraph and the description of Kotani...


SWELL!

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RoxanneR
Comment

This is good, with some developed characters and scenes, but the frammar needs working on a bit. Also, do you need all that text in one big paragraph, or can you split it up a bit?

RR*



A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf