z

Young Writers Society



Umbrella

by miyaviloves


Ok, this can be read on it's own but it's like the follow up to Ice Cubes my first novel. Hope you enjoy and maybe understand some of it ^_^, oh and There is more to ocme and I just needed some opinions on the beginning because I think it's a little dry. Help? Oh and lot's of stuff implied in here (Liam's job and such) but nothing rude or bad so yay! I also don't usually write in third person so this is a big experiment!

********************************************************

One

Isn’t it strange how we have all grown up now? I kind of want to go back sometimes, just to see how different things would have turned out if we hadn’t of met that day. I want to apologise for not ever writing back to you when you most needed me. We are close now though aren’t we? Me and you, we are almost inseparable, I think its because we missed out on so many years growing up. Well, now we are adults, let’s see where our lives take us.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Ok and that’s a wrap thanks guys” Liam looked casually over to the director who was hurriedly slipping his coat over his shoulders. He always seemed to be in such a hurry. Usually he would wait at least five minutes till everyone cleared the set, but not today. Filming was surprisingly difficult for Liam today, he never really had any trouble with the little bit of script there was and the acting never ever bothered him. Just today something wasn’t right. He put it down to the new girl he was doing the scene with, she was somewhat inexperienced and was more attractive than the other girls, this made him nervous, like he had to impress her. He sighed and grabbed the towel that hung lifelessly on the back of his chair.

“Well…that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be,” The girl approached behind him, nervously wrapping herself in a large white dressing gown “My name’s Genna by the way…we never got introduced earlier…” She stretched out her thin hand, nails painted red neatly.

“Liam, and it’s never as bad as you think it will be, you get used to it after a while.” He smiled, feeling the blood rushing to his cheeks, he was only ever usually nervous around women off set, which was completely ludicrous.

“Well, maybe we will work together again some day?” She smiled sweetly and nodded her head lightly before making her way to the female shower room. Liam grinned back and watched her leave, her bare feet pattering across the floor. As she turned on the shower her father suffered a fatal stroke.

“Hey, you’re home early sweetie!” Claire smiled as Liam appeared in the kitchen. Wrapping his arms protectively around her waist he nestled his head into the back of her neck.

“You smell of…paprika,” He inhaled her hair deeply “And lavender…do you remember the lavender that was across from our caravan when we went on holiday last year?” She moved away from him, pulling around at pots and pans.

“You mean the lavender that was on the wall to the stone shower room across from our caravan?” She grinned at him, secretly wanting to kill him for booking them a caravan holiday in the first place “What brings you home so early? I was planning a surprise dinner.”

“You need to stop being so perfect…it’s weird…” He dipped his finger lightly into the sauce she was cooking on the stove and plopped it into his mouth “Paprika…” she smacked the back of his hand with her tea towel and laughed. “Anyway, I guess thing’s got wrapped up early at work, so here I am.”

“Life must be so easy being a creative designer, and fun too I guess, wish I had you’re job.”

“Hmm…no I don’t think you do.”

“Oh come on Liam! You come home early, ok fair enough sometimes you run late but I understand things can be hard at work…but you get paid loads…I feel like a fool working all the hours I do and getting paid minimum wage.”

“Hmph… “ He shrugged, making his way into the bathroom. He had been with Claire for five years, and had recently bought their modern apartment together. When he first started dating her, the only reason he was with her was because of her feet. They were tiny and it made him feel like he needed to protect her. But in the five years of them dating his ‘real life’ remained in parallel to the life he shared with her. And that was the way he liked it and it was the way it was going to stay. Unless she ever saw one of his movies…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jamiy smiled at himself in the bathroom mirror, admiring the amazing work his new conditioner had done on his hair. The curls looked full, shiny, almost edible. His usual curls were matted together, so much so he didn’t even dare brush them, through fear of getting a comb stuck and never to be retrieved again. He turned sideways pulling his baggy white t-shirt in, admiring his thin frame, sticking his bum out a little bit to make himself look more curvy. He loathed the fact that he had no bottom what so ever. He had even once considered getting implants, but quickly went off of the idea after watching a rather horrifying documentary on the bad effects of plastic surgery. Jamiy was one to admit to being extremely vain. Every car window he passed he tried to catch a glimpse of himself in the reflection, every window, every mirror, anything that he could see himself in he just had to look in. Not because he thought he was God’s gift, but because he needed to know if his outfit looked right. If it was one thing to never ever get wrong in his line of work, it was to never look bad. Jamiy was a make up artist, and it was his worse nightmare to turn up to do some celebrities make up looking like a bin bag. So clothes were everything.

“Will you stop looking at yourself in the mirror you vain little man.” Chris stepped into the bathroom, wrapping his arms around Jamiy’s waist.

“Get off me you pervert.” Jamiy pushed him away harshly, making his curls bounce lightly around on his head, he noticed it in the mirror and decided it looked dramatic and beautiful.

“Come on Jam, don’t be like this with me today.” Chris pleaded, his older eyes wrinkling as he did so.

“I told you to leave didn’t I? Why are you still here?” Jamiy snapped back. He looked at the older man in front of him. Chris had recently turned 42 and compared to Jamiy being only 25 it had a large strain on their complicated relationship “You know I’m with someone else now Chris, I don’t need you anymore.”

“You say such cruel thing’s to me Jamiy. I know you love me.”

“I don’t love you, you’re just a pervert get out of my house.”


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Sun Aug 12, 2007 4:52 pm
miyaviloves says...



thanks for taking the time to crit this Alainna :)

. I didn't really like Liam in Ice cubes but I can see that he's interesting.

Aww poor Liam he wasn't even in it long (unless you are thinking of Luke????)

I liked this Meevs, although not to sure about letting go of my views from Ice Cubes. It's hard because as you said this is third person rather than first and I miss seeing things through Jamiy's eyes.


I miss Jamiy sooo much, i just decided for this that as Jaimy is not the mian character i couldnt really have ti in first person, unless i wrote it from Liam's point of view (but I don't like him as much as Jaimy to do that :P) I guess that's why this piece is going to be so different from Ice Cubes...


thanks again :)

Meevs
xxx




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Sun Jul 15, 2007 7:05 pm
Alainna wrote a review...



Mmmm...this was good. I didn't really like Liam in Ice cubes but I can see that he's interesting.

As she turned on the shower her father suffered a fatal stroke.

This confused me. Her real father or on set father?? And why a heart attack?

When he first started dating her, the only reason he was with her was because of her feet. They were tiny and it made him feel like he needed to protect her.

Wow, that's really random. Hehe..

But in the five years of them dating his real life remained in parallel to the life he shared with her. And that was the way he liked it and it was the way it was going to stay. Unless she ever saw one of his movies

Nice, I like that.

The curls looked full, shiny, almost edible. His usual curls were matted together,

You repeat curls which makes it sound a bit iffy.

I liked this Meevs, although not to sure about letting go of my views from Ice Cubes. It's hard because as you said this is third person rather than first and I miss seeing things through Jamiy's eyes.

Keep it up!
Alainna
xxxxxxxx




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Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:51 am
miyaviloves says...



Thankyou both for the comments, and thanks Royboy for pointing out those mistakes, i will fix them laters :)

I will work on the showing instead of telling thing, I'm just so used to writing in first person it was a little strange for me, especially writing abut Jamiy as I always write from his perspective, sitting back and explaining his actions was very strange!

Thanks again!

All the best,
Meevs
x




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Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:05 am



YSE!!! He is kicking Chris ass.

Sorry about that outburst.

And indeed he is a pervert but tell us why he is a pervert not just write it. EXPLAIN.

It has pricked an interest in me. I shall keep my eyes open for more.

-steve




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Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:00 pm
Royboy wrote a review...



She grinned at him, secretly wanting to kill him for booking them a caravan holiday in the first place

Period.

“You smell of…paprika,” He inhaled her hair deeply “And lavender…

lower case H in He and comma after deeply.

Oh and just a side note--I love the way you spell all these names. Jamiy... Genna... it's different.

“You know I’m with someone else now Chris, I don’t need you anymore.”

Comma after now.

“I don’t love you, you’re just a pervert get out of my house.”

Maybe make it a new sentence after pervert?

Interesting. I like the characters a lot, and I haven't read anything of Icecubes. Yeah, I've always seen your chapters go up and wonder what in the world it could be about. =] Well this was lovely, even with my ignorance of the story. Don't take any of the punctuation stuff to offence. I'm a comma nazi. :twisted:

~Roya





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