Published March 22, 2007
Taken down due to publishing
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
Hey thanks for reviewing Mat hope you enjoy the rest
Meevs
x
Hey Meevs.
I always did say that I'd get around to reading Ice Cubes one day. It was just a bit later than I thought it would be lol. I think I only found one thing:
“Eleven, your twelve Clarice told me.”
That should be you're
So, that's it. I just seen Chapter 30, so it could be a while before I get through this, but from what I've read so far, it's going to be fun getting there. xD Anyway, on to Part Two...
-Mat
Sadly I started to read Ice Cubes on chap. 12. Not at the begging. But, I liked it. Ice Cubes is awesome.
-- M.B.Author
Edited
This was a really good start.
Quote:
"Her eyes began to loose their color, fleshy pockets settled themselves under her lashes."
This didn't flow for me. It didn't sound right. It sounded like two sentances instead of one.
Your character, Jamiy, i thought was a girl until the foster mother said that they had always wanted a boy.
Your transition from his real mother to his foster family wasn't smooth and sort of rushed.
Other than those it was a really good beginning.
there should be a ' in names. name's. =)
But other than that, and a few grammatical errors here and there, I think it's a really good story.
Another funny thing, the main characters of our stories have the same names =). 'cept mines a girl...eh, same difference right? teehee.
I like this story! On to the next chapter/part!!!
AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=) JC
Thanks to you all for taking your time to read through this!
Claudette, you have pointed out things that i wasnt expecting people to figure out so quickly! He dosent like football for a reason, i have tried to make jamiy as effeminate as possible, this is to tye in with the rest of the story.
Alianna, i thought canned beans was too blunt and i wanted to elaborate on the charcters much more, and yeah will be continuing this, im gonna work and work and work and not give up like my others
And to Dove, i havent heard of that book, i got insired by this after reading 'Running With Scissors', i wanted to write something from a childs point of view, but i will pop down the library and check out the book you suggested.
Again thankyou all!
miyaviloves
x
Wow! this is good. It reminds me vaguely of a book my mum told me to read. "The curious insident of the Dog in the Nighttime." the main character was autistic like my brother. has the character in your story got special needs too? your style seems to reflect that very well.
you have a good sense of word choice, though "Clanking" reminds me of metal a little, so you might want to change that.
If you haven't read that book you should give it a try. It's the same kinda thing and you have managed to convay that kinda mood and... i just think this is very well writen really. You should continue in this thread, it works for you.
yours
BlackDove
YAY!!
You put in some dialouge, which makes it move faster than 'the canned beans'.
Don't mean to sound annoying but I actually preferred Canned Beans to this, as I liked the last few paragraphs of Canned Beans. However, saying that, does this piece continue or is that the whole?
Great first paragraph and I love some of your detail such as "I stood in my shiny yellow rain mac with matching wellies."
Very good,
Alainna
XXXXXXXXXX
I'm curious what age you are trying to project for your main character? By her actions she seems under ten, but by some of her dialog, she seems like an older woman from the 19th century... Shall is an old usage word, A little kid would have no idea how to use it. This word doesn't really become apart of your vocabulary until you read it or hear it enough (about middle school, for me, was when the old words started being used.) but your character seems like she's eight or so... I can't really figure out how old she is, her action and her dialog don't click. Her action is good, her dialog just seems kind of ridge, not flow-y like a child's.
not to mention so didn't punctuation your dialog correctly, the kid is a boy? This surprised me. I'm not exactly sure why? To me I saw a little girl. Maybe you should put something in near the beginning to give us the idea that it is a boy, like him playing with toy trucks or something... The name caught me off guard I figured an odd spelling of the female "jaime", but not a boy... Guess I'm bad at guessing gender?
even though this does fit nicely in place, I think it's kind of an info dump and could be improved on. The descriptions could be split apart and the "clarice told becca..." could be done through actual dialog, this whole scene you write here could be done through action, dialog, and description and will help bring us more into the story. Don't skip over these minor scenes, it gives you room to delve into your characters.
an eleven-year-old boy thinking this? That doesn't sound to fit. Sure, its gender biased but...little boys will like anything if their "father figure" does, well...usually? Eh, this is just me.
This seems to be the start of a really cute young adult book
I do like it a lot though... It's cute, you seem good at making your characters seem real. I really want to see what happens to the little kid
Dialog Stuff. That...might help you. It's a little too straight forward and confusing if you don't already know the rules. If this doesn't help PM me and I'll try to explain it/find a better link.