Young Writers Society

Thank you so so so much for all these critiques, all of you are great and have helped so much!

I have now edited this and will post the revision soon, and I am also thinking of posting the first part of chapter one, so keep your eyes open

Again thank you all very much!

Merry Christmas!

Meevs
x

Hey Miya!

I must say that I love the title. It just makes me wonder what a bottled butterfly has to do with the story. Your characters are well developed for such a small portion of your story. You have a beautiful way of describing things and it makes this story so elegant.

Favorite Part:

“Want to touch?” Lara smirked, approaching him. He looked at her body. Her left breast was significantly larger than the right, the top of her legs plump. Little white stretch marks danced across the top of her legs and across the sides of her stomach. He didn’t really want to touch her, but he let his hands circle round her thighs before he pulled her close to him. In return she wrapped her arms around him, holding his head close to her chest. He could smell her skin. She smelt of cigarettes.

Isaac climbed the stairs warily, his fingers gently intertwining with Lara’s. He looked back at her for a split second. What was he doing? [This should probably be in Italics] Was this kind of revenge that he had planned? [There's a word missing in this sentence. reread and you'll see what I mean] Cecilia would never even know that he had been with her. Maybe that was what motivated him. Lara was beautiful. Not like Cecilia, but she was beautiful in her own right. Cecilia. Was she really that beautiful? Just lately her skin appeared to be blemishing more than ever before, wrinkles enveloping her forehead when she smiled. The smile false. He scowled at the thought of her. [This guy seems like a woman to me - he changes his mind so quickly. Oh, Cecilia is so beautiful. But wait... she's been getting ugkier lately. See what I mean?] At the top of the stairs he pulled Lara into his arms, trailing kisses down her tanned neck. She tasted of the autumn, crisp…decay. [Uh, why does she smell of decay? That's gross] He devoured the rotten taste, as she was willing to sleep in his bed, fall into the cold winter he was offering to her. She would freeze in his tangled sheets, the cold shoulder of deceit. ]New paragraph here. You should try breaking this whole block of text up more, actuallly] He took her into their bedroom. ['Their' bedroom? Does he mean Cecilia's and his? Specify for the reader] He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she took off her clothes, hurriedly, no grace in her movements. [This sentence is awkward. There's no need for the comma before hurriedly] As he watched [Comma] all he could think about was the news that was circulating with a buzz of excitement around France that day. Henri Seimet had made the first non-stop flight from Paris to London in less than three hours. Unlike the public [Comma] Isaac thought this was a pretty poor performance. London never seemed that far away when he took Cecilia there. Maybe it was Cecilia that stole the hours from boredom, [Should that be a period, or did you not mean to fapitalize Maybe?] Maybe it was Cecilia who bended time for him. Maybe…


“Want to touch?” Lara smirked, approaching him. He looked at her body. [How did he look at her body? With conceled disgust?] Her left breast was significantly larger than the right, the top of her legs plump. ['Top of her legs' doesn't sound right. Just use thighs or something] Little white stretch marks danced across the top of her legs and across the sides of her stomach. He didn’t really want to touch her, but he let his hands circle round her thighs before he pulled her close to him. In return she wrapped her arms around him, holding his head close to her chest. He could smell her skin. She smelt of cigarettes.

miyaviloves-
When I first saw the title, I immediately had to check this out. Oh, and plus, I'm huge for historical fiction. Either it has romance or not. I still love it.

What story are you talking about? Because I didn't see a chapter one or is this an excerpt of a story you're writing?

The names you choose Cecilia and Gabriel...I likey! Cecilia is such a historical set name. And so is Gabriel.

Oh, how is this G rated? Did you mean PG-13 or R? Because there is some indication of sexual content.

I see that the grammar mistakes are already pointed out. I have to ask, are you planning on continuing? Because I like to know more about these secret affairs.

You might know or might not, but did you know that the early 1900s is the Edwardian Era? I've never really read anything in that era, so I guess this is my first. -- That's a good thing.

Oh, and if you need any tips of the culture, check out Eras of Elegance. (website) That site helps so much if you're writing a historical-set novel. (Believe me. I've have)

Anyway, off topic, here. Sorry about that. To the point. I like to read more. I have no questions concerning this piece. Great Job!

-Merry

Okay, so here it goes. But I am going to warn you that my reviews are a bit unique.

Isaac climbed the stairs warily, his fingers gently intertwining with Lara’s. He looked back at her for a split second (Here). What was he doing?

Was this (the) kind of revenge that he had planned?

Cecilia would never even know that he had been with her.

Lara was beautiful. Not like Cecilia, but she was beautiful in her own right.

Cecilia. Was she really that beautiful? Just lately her skin appeared to be blemishing more than ever before, wrinkles enveloping her forehead when she smiled. The smile false.

At the top of the stairs he pulled Lara into his arms, trailing kisses down her tanned neck. She tasted of the autumn, crisp…decay. He devoured the rotten taste, as she was willing to sleep in his bed, fall into the cold winter he was offering to her.

She would freeze in his tangled sheets, the cold shoulder of deceit.

He took her into their bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she took off her clothes, hurriedly, no grace in her movements.

As he watched all he could think about was the news that was circulating with a buzz of excitement around France that day. Henri Seimet had made the first non-stop flight from Paris to London in less than three hours. Unlike the public Isaac thought this was a pretty poor performance.

London (had) never seemed that far away when he took Cecilia there. Maybe it was Cecilia that stole the hours from boredom, Maybe it was Cecilia who bended (bent) time for him. Maybe…

He could smell her skin. She smelt of cigarettes.

Canada - thankyou for taking the time to read!

Sarah - Thankyou so so much! That really helped. I'm finding this piece quite difficult to write as It is set in 1912, so I am having to do a lot of research about the era and it's taking over the whole thing at the moment, yet I am devoted to this, so an in depth look at it from you really has helped me a lot!

The thing with Isaac being a good or bad charcter I am also having such trouble with, he's wealthy and him and Cecilia often use their money to hide away from the problems that they have, and he can be very cold to the less wealthy characters (Such as Gabriel, Juan and Lara) I am trying to make it a flaw of his class, I have been reading thing's like 'House of Mirth' and 'Les Liasons Dangereus' to try and get a feel of rich and poor, even though they were set before.

Thanks for taking the time, it really is appreciated

Meevs

Hey there, miya! I'm Sarah and I'm your friendly neighbourhood reviewer for today. I have to admit that what drew me in to the story was the French title. I have an obsession with all things French.

Seeing as this was only an extract, I found it a bit difficult to critique, but don't worry. I hope this helps, anyway. [/ramble]

Quote: He looked back at her for a split second. What was he doing? Was this kind of revenge that he had planned? Cecilia would never even know that he had been with her. Maybe that was what motivated him. Lara was beautiful. Not like Cecilia, but she was beautiful in her own right. Cecilia. Was she really that beautiful? Just lately her skin appeared to be blemishing more than ever before, wrinkles enveloping her forehead when she smiled. The smile false.

This whole quote, starting from 'What was he doing?' has to be italicised. Seeing as this is a third person piece, you can't suddenly break out into thoughts, as that can be rather unnerving for the reader, and break the flow of the book. Secondly, this passage was slightly rambling. There were a load of short sentences and he was constantly changing his mind, opinion-wise. Don't show us the whole thought-process, the reader isn't interested in that. Just show us the main conclusion he arrives at, instead of beating round the bush pointlessly, showing the different things he considered. It would certainly read a lot better.

Quote: At the top of the stairs he pulled Lara into his arms, trailing kisses down her tanned neck.

This happened a bit quickly, and the whole trailing kisses thing is a bit melodramatic. Think about it - are real romances so flowing, so perfect? There's awkward moments, silences, people not knowing fully what to do. I haven't read the rest of your book so maybe they're already very well acquainted, but I still think you should give this more flaws. It would make it more real.
Oh and minor detail - there's an unnecessary extra space between 'her' and 'tanned'. Just thought I"d tell you. XD

Quote: She tasted of the autumn, crisp…decay.

I'm not sure why you've used the elipses here. It's a nice description and imagery/allusion but I think you should remove the elipses (...) and break this into two sentences. It would flow much better and add effect and meaning to your words, rather than rushing it frenziedly. Look how much better it would sound, "She tasted of the autumn. Crisp decay." I don't know about you, but that sonuds a whole lot better to me when I read it aloud.

Quote: He devoured the rotten taste, as she was willing to sleep in his bed, fall into the cold winter he was offering to her.

I'm not sure rotten is the right word usage, it's a bit icky and reminds one of mould and mush. I like the way you've turned the idea of decay into something beautiful, but to describe it in the next paragraph as 'rotten' just destroys that whole allusion. If I were you, I'd change 'rotten' in this sentence.
Also, this is a bit of a clumsy phrasing. I don't understand the whole think. Break it up, figure out what you're trying to say.

Quote: She would freeze in his tangled sheets, the cold shoulder of deceit.

I love the first part of this sentence, it's original. But I don't like the second part, or at least the 'shoulder' bit. The 'deceit' part is fine but you should put it into another sentence, it would be so much more effective. See how it would read: "She would freeze in his tangled sheets. The cold deceit." On second thoughts, remove the whole 'deceit' idea completely. It dumbs down the 'tangled sheets' bit, which is strong.

Quote: Maybe it was Cecilia who bended time for him. Maybe…

The second maybe would sound more effective if you removed the elipses and replaced it with a fullstop.

Quote: “Want to touch?” Lara smirked, approaching him.

I'm not sure 'smirk' is the right verb choice here. Smirk is usually used to make illusions to disdain, sneering and condescension. I don't know your characters, again, because this is only an extract, so maybe Lara is looking down on him. Forgive me if I'm wrong and if the smirk was intended.

I quite liked this. It was a bit overdone in parts, where the wording and adjectives came across as slightly ludicrous. But it all seemed stylish and polished. I like that in a story. I know you're fond of Isaac, which is normal with the main male character, but you need to figure out whether he's going to be portrayed as good or bad. I doubt the conventional 'good' person would sleep with another woman to get back at the man he thinks is sleeping with his wife. It seems like something the conventional rogue would do. Then again, maybe I'm wrong.
This needs some revision, and obviously the old cliched rule of 'show, don't tell.' Dialogue takes care of this - just insert more dialogue where you feel you're beating about the bush too much.

Good luck with your writing!

Sarah

This has a G rating becuase it is leading towards a sexual scene just so you know