16+ Language Violence

Wanted ~ Chapter One, Part One

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Just before you start reading, I'm uploading my chapters in parts as my chapters will be quite long, and I don't want you to get bored while reading. :D I am also aware I am not amazing at writing, but I did write this story about a year ago, so hopefully I have improved a little bit (:

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I inhale the homely smells of the nature around me, the ripe blackberries ready to eat. I pop one in my mouth and juicy spritz explodes, first sweet, and then a slight sour tang afterwards. I suck on the taste, it sweeping on my tongue as I gather a few more blackberries and carefully place them into my small bag on my back.

I hear a shuffling from the other side of the forest, the prick of short ears and the sight of thin, but soft fur.
Deer.
I load my bow and stalk the animal, climbing through trees and pushing past plants. This is rare in this season and I'm determined to get it.
The deer suddenly stops in its tracks, a clear shot. I raise my bow, my arrow set. I aim for its eye, a hard but deadly kill. The arrow flies through the air.

Bull’s eye.

“That’s a nice catch you got there,” a voice says from behind the bushes. I jump, loading my arrow in the direction of the sound.

“Who are you,” I shout, looking around, arrow set.

“James,” the person replies coming into view, with a spear in one hand and a rabbit in the other. I pull the string on my bow back, about to shoot.

“Don’t shoot. I’m not the council,” he says, smiling. His short brown hair flops into his eyes and dirty muscular skin makes me believe him for a second, but the council can always put on a good show.

“And why am I supposed to believe you?” I snarl.

“Because I’m a fellow hunter, like you.”

I raise my eyebrow, arrow still set.

“Do you not believe me?” he laughs.

“Do not to trust those who you do not know,” I say flatly.

“I see. You’re taught well.”

“What's it to you anyway?" I spit. The memories of my father come flooding back to me, he was a hunter too. He always used to say ‘Remember, when you stalk an animal, don’t make a sound. Pretend you’re a little mouse, trying to be really quiet. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know, when it comes to hunting.’ I’ve always stuck to his word, even when he betrayed me over two years ago.

"I can't believe your doing this to us!" I shout, standing up and smacking my hands down on the wooden table. My father sighs.

"Jenna, you know fully well that me and your mother's relationship isn't the same anymore. This divorce was mutual, wasn't it Hazel?"

My mother nods meekly, her sad grey eyes searching the floor, trying to find a way to escape. Her aging face is filled with worry and distress; she hates arguments, especially when it's between me and my dad. We've always been so close.

"Think about Mia!" I yell, "She's only four years old! And you're moving somewhere over five hours away. How is she going to cope with no father? How is mum going to cope with only her to buy food for the family? She doesn't even work Dad! She's a full time mother, cooking, cleaning and looking after Mia. How could you be so inconsiderate? I hate you!"

I slam the door and soon enough salty rain gushes down my freckled cheeks, drying in the fresh summer heat.

That was the last time I saw my father. We used to be so close but now our relationship has gone forever. I grieve for my father, yet I refuse to talk to him. I don't want to forgive but I want to forget. He ruined everything for us.

Suddenly, James starts to wave his hand in front of my eyes, disrupting me from my thoughts.

“Hello?” he says, laughing. I swat him away angrily.

“Yes, I’m here. Now, I don’t know who you are, or why you’re here, but if you breathe a single word of this to anyone, especially the council, that pretty little head of yours will no longer belong to your body,” I smile sweetly.

He backs away, his hands up, surrendering.

“I told you, I’m a hunter like you. I won’t say anything to anyone; otherwise I’ll get myself into trouble too.”

I raise my bow at a nearby bird.

“Good,” I say, in unison with my arrow piercing the bird’s eye. I smile sarcastically as I gather up the bird and attempt to move the huge deer. God, that thing isn't half heavy.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
EscaSkye
Review

Hi!

This is quite an opening you got here - you got me hooked! I'm interested to see what happens in part two. For some reason, I can't help but get a "Robin Hood" kind of feel when I think about the protagonist hunting and thinking about the council. I think Lava may be on to something about hunting being outlawed, or could it be that it's outlawed only at that specific place? I want to know. Hopefully, part two or whatever part of chapter one would answer that.

Now, let me move on to some things which I find odd.

“Because I’m a fellow hunter, like you,”

I think you can swap the last comma for a period.

“I see. You’re taught well,”

This is the same as the above quote. I think it's okay to swap the last commas for periods since you don't really add a speech tag afterwards.

How is she going to cope with no father, how is mum going to cope with only her to buy food for the family.

The period should be a question mark.

We used to be so close but now our relationship has gone forever.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you meant to use "was" than "has".

“I told you, I’m a hunter like you. I won’t say anything to anyone; otherwise I’ll get myself into trouble too,”

The same reason for the first and second lines I've listed here.

Now as for the transition from present time to flashbacks, I agree with Lava that it is choppy. Personally speaking, I make the flashback scenes look different from the rest of the work just so people would know right away that it's not in the present. That's me though. Good job with this! I want to see more from you soon!

User avatar
Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review · Sun Sep 07, 2014 1:23 pm

Hello there!

So, interesting premise you have here - and while I don't have an inkling as to how this will proceed, it's got me interested.
I'm assuming hunting is outlawed of some sort? Maybe?

So, in your opening sentence you talk about homely smell. I found it a bit odd to imagine that as a homely smell - ripe blackberries and bushes. That's just me - but I'd like to think of it as the smell of nature, leaves etc. I'm sure you can describe it better. Also, I really think when people use smell in description. Try to weave it in more when you work on the chapters.

I did find the transition to the memory choppy. It seemed like you wanted to put that in your story and while that is cool - try to add it in more naturally? It should work well with how the fact that James is a hunter relates to bringing out that specific part of the memory. I'd see more connections if it was a hunting excursion with her dad.

Anyway, nice work!
Lava

Thanks for the feedback - the flashback memory part was new in and I did find it hard to naturally add it in. Any tips would be helpful of course. The homely smell bit was meant to show that she obviously loves being out in the forest and it's sort of like a second home to her, it may be weird to you, but thats her character in the story which you would see if I posted more of the story. (:



we are all mariah carey
— Kay (NovemberCrow)