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Take it all for us

by mitsyday


Juno is sad, she wants to feel something else than sadness, but she doesn't know how. Juno is also drunk right now, she's walking around the house, confused by her thoughts. Everything's going too fast and too slow at the same time, she's losing the balance. So much unknown faces around her, the one she's looking for has a boy wrapped around her finger tight. Is the concrete gonna face her or is she gonna face the concrete ?


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108 Reviews


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Reviews: 108

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:49 am
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Asith wrote a review...



Hello! Happy review day from the Ruby Reviewers :)

You know, when I clicked on this, I wasn't expecting it to be so short. That being said, I do enjoy the conciseness of it. It's interesting; these minute stories usually don't work for me at all, but I feel intrigued by this one. I can say for certain that I like it in this format, and that's not the bit that I would change. But I have to review, so let's move on to the bits that I would change:

Sentence structure
I've been saying this a lot in my reviews lately, but it's extra important to you since your story is only a handful of sentences long! Pay attention to what you've written; adopt a blank mind and re-read it as a reader would -- you'll soon be able to spot the fallacies. Here's an example:

Juno is sad, she wants to feel something else than sadness, but she doesn't know how.

There's a couple badbits™ in this sentence.
i) The phrase should definitely be "something other than".
ii) Punctuation! Notice how the first pause (after "sad") is supposed to be a lot longer than the second pause (after "sadness")? This is why you need to use more punctuation that just commas -- so that the reader can easily understand how to read the sentence, and doesn't have to throw themselves back into it again and again. I would rewrite it like this:
Juno is sad; she wants to feel something other than sadness, but she doesn't know how.

Or even:
Juno is sad. She wants to feel something other than sadness, but she doesn't know how.

Simple changes like these make your writing miles better! If you practice it actively, it'll become second-nature in no time :)

Phrasing
It's also important to pay attention to how exactly you say things -- especially in a piece as short as this. You don't seem to be proof-reading your work, which is a definite must!
So much unknown faces around her, the one she's looking for has a boy wrapped around her finger tight.
.
The first part should be "so many unknown faces around her", and I have no idea what you're trying to say in the second half. You can't afford to let sentences go to waste like that, so focus on bringing out your thoughts clearly to a first-time reader!
Is the concrete gonna face her or is she gonna face the concrete ?

Another sentence that seems devoid of meaning to me. I understand what her facing the concrete implies, but what does the concrete facing her mean? Seems like pointless rhetoric to me :/

The bottom line is, you have a very creative idea, and you just need to focus on how exactly you express that idea :D




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 5:31 am
Oxara wrote a review...



Hello there, Ox here for a review.

It's been a while so we'll see how this goes!

Firstly just a grammar suggestion, "Juno is sad, she wants to feel something else than sadness." You could change this to "Juno is sad. She wants to feel something else, anything else. But she is unaware how to." Separating this one sentence into three makes each statement just feels more impact, at least for me. This can be implied through most of the story.

Secondly, if you want to keep it as short as it is, perhaps a poem format could work better like

Sadness envelopes Juno
Anything else she cries
But no call responses
So she wander drunks

Ect ect, it could just make it feel a lot more cohesive as a piece, or you could turn it into start of a novel/short story. In fact if this became a dairy of someone named Juno and it is opening (so any grammar/spelling/ edits could be left out due to style) it could be interesting, even more than what you have. The ideas are interesting so keep up the great work!

Hope this helped,
Ox,




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Sun Jan 12, 2020 3:11 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hey!
I'm here to review! First i am going to point out some grammar mistakes, and then I'll give an overall opinion of this small introductory piece.

The comma after sad should be a semi-colon because semi-colons connect two complete sentences together, and commas add on phrases. The comma after now should be a semi-colon. The comma after time should be a semi-colon. The comma after her should be a semi-colon. There should be a comma after her in the last sentence, and there shouldn't be a space before the question mark.

With all that aside, I feel like this could be the beginning of a very interesting piece. It already has me intrigued about the main character, and i am sad it isn't longer. Maybe add some more description and show us her feelings rather than just telling them to us.

Thanks for the great read,
<3 Rascalover





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