Published December 12, 2011
how i love the world
as it seeps slowly through my skin
bleeds red through my fingers
don’t be like the rest of the world.
i want you
yet you leave me?
i’m left empty.
how i love more the you that knows me.
the you that doesn’t hide.
the one that busts from veins and stains my dull carpet.
i didn’t invite anyone.
but you come either way.
you run through thick carpet all over.
when i press my foot in it makes a squishy sound.
and we giggle.
than the one that seeps slowly through skin
like the rest of the world.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hello,
Love poems and lyrics don't usually interest me, but to be honest, I did enjoy your poem.
If it was made into a song it would sound cool.
You might want to make it longer though.
You used a lot of good words.
Good job
Cheers,
V. Quest
Hey Mistie!
At first, I thought this was going to be set at the Oscars or something! I mean, the words "red carpets" usually indicate to me that a highly glamorous event is about to go on. Maybe a touch of irony, seeing as your poem is not very glamorous? Charming, definitely, but not glitzy like Hollywood!
Anyway, I really like this stanza:
It was really cute and I loved the words.. they were quite interesting! One does not see "squishy" or "giggle" very much in poetry, and it just gave me the warm and fuzzies, if you know what I mean. Plus, his actions are rather adorable, you have to admit.
Anyway, the rest of the poem seemed rather typical of teen poetry, but that one huge stanza was very nice and so, so cute.
Hello, Mistie! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
I really like this piece. The best part about it, in my opinion, is the feeling of it. It seems raw in the best of ways; I can really tell that this came from your heart. This poem is memorable, and that's very important; making your work memorable is essential. I will remember this after I finish reviewing it, so you've done your job. Great work there!
Really, the only problems I see with this piece have to deal with punctuation and capitalization. They're very important, in my eyes. Some poets don't like to use them because they feel that they restrict their poetry; however, I feel differently. Punctuation, when used correctly, feels effortless and will make your poem stand out and feel polished. Although it takes practice, good punctuation and capitalization are very important.
I'm not really sure how the third line of this part should be punctuated. Did you intend for it to be a question, or a statement? If it's intended to be a question, then it's right; however, if it's not supposed to be, then it should be replaced with a period.
This is my favorite part, especially the last line. Great verbs!
All in all, wonderful piece. Always keep writing!
-Rose
I like the theme of this and it can probably be critiqued to death but i am personally against critiquing something that comes from someones heart and i can tell you put a lot of heart into this. The meaning i'm getting from it is someone's hurting you and it's starting to knock you out of the puppy dog love state and making you see things differently, almost like a loss of innocence where the sugar coating of love clouds your vision. I love the first couple lines. great work
Hey Mistie! Dogs here with your review today! Great poem you have here! Good imagery and very nice description. I like how short and sweet it is. But really quickly, you need to add in more grammar points here because it is really difficult for me at least to read. Capitalize your I's and capitalize words after a period. It just makes it looks better all and all but you don't have to use grammar.
Now this piece is good and it is based around a good metaphor but there are a few things that are really getting to me.
"How I love more than the you that knows me"
This line is awkward and it took me a couple times of reading through it to actually understand what you were trying to say, and when you have the reader confused or going back and reading because they don't understand something you're in trouble! Because you have either made your point not clear or, in this case, have a line that is worded oddly so that the reader dosn't understand what you're saying. I would suggest re-wording this to something like: "I love the you that knows me more then..." whatever. thats just a suggestion.
"How i love the world
as it seeps slowly through my skin
bleeds red through my fingers"
Now this is a great stanza, I really love this but there are a few things that I would change, for example:
"How I love the world
as it seeps through my skin,
bleeding red through my fingertips"
These are just little things that you should add to all of your stanza's just to help flow and make it sound better.
So thats all the big things I really have to say, if you are going to go through this and re-write and need help, give me a P.M and I can give you some ideas and advice. This is a good piece but has potential to be a great piece. keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Honestly, I liked this poem even though I have no idea what it's about. I'm really into love peoms, just to point that out. Though, even though it's a good poem I noticed lack in your grammar; every time you used a period the letter after it isn't capital and your I's is suppose to be caital, for ex.
Here's it corrected.
How I love the world as it seeps slowly through my skinbleeds red through my fingers don’t be like the rest of the world.I want you yet you leave me? I’m left empty.
Hope that helps.