Young Writers Society

Good job on this poem

From this poem I got the meaning of standing strong against all odds which you portrayed through the use of an extended metaphor of a royal kingdom combined with modern aspects of our everyday lives.



Something you could improve on is the ending of your lines and if they make sense in context.For example in the first stanza you use "my love" then you drop it for one line then retake it for two then drop it for the rest of the poem. I suggest that you do something like this:

But remember that the truth will set you free.

You don’t need power money fame or even love, my love.
You’ve built strong walls but they’re to be broken down, my love.

Take out the "my loves" in this paragraph.
But remember that the truth will set you free.
You don’t need power money fame or even love.
You’ve built strong walls but they’re to be broken down.
Like so.

Then in the next stanza put the 'my loves' back in for the next four lines. Continue consistently.

Overall I feel that this poem works well in many aspects, I especially like the first stanza. However you need to be careful. The narrator is referring to this person as "my love" yet tells them to 'smirk at brilliant boys' which makes it feel like he wants his love to flirt with other people which was confusing.

Finally

and quick slap to the enemies,

this line does not make sense and needs rephrasing.

Stay sexy. Good job and keep writing.

Mind the edges; take with salt.

There are very many superficial, grammatical corrections to be made to this piece. It complicates my reading greatly for something to be unfortunately afoul of proper language. I'll try to make general and meaningful suggestions about the body and purpose of the work, but it may degrade into mostly grammar.

Stand tall and hold strong, my love.
Wear hot pink and thrust your fist to the sky, my love.
Have sharp tongue and quick slap to the enemies, my love.
Smokes cigarettes and smirk at brilliant boys, my love.

Superficialities:

"Have sharp tongue and quick slap to the enemies, my love."
This line needs to be rephrased. Due to its parallel structure, "have" carries into the second clause, and it reads "have quick slap to the enemies," which is awkward wording.

"Smokes cigarettes and smirk at brilliant boys." The alliteration between brilliant and boys is fine, but seems somewhat an odd pairing nonetheless. And remove the 's' from "smokes."

Conjunctions. I know they really seem great after an episode of Schoolhouse Rock, like they should be everywhere and used by everyone. But they aren't great. They're pretty much egregious, along with the rest of the "Egregious 'P's." Read about what that means, and what to do, here. Consider replacing many of your "and"s with semicolons, or some other punctuation.

I like the idea behind your repetition of "my love." The device genuinely draws my attention. But it is not working. There's something beautiful in its application, especially considering the somewhat macabre situation, but that beauty is polluted by poor style. Think about emphasizing the repeated phrase, like giving it is own line on every repetition.

But remember that the truth will set you free.
You don’t need power money fame or even love, my love.
You’ve built strong walls but they’re to be broken down, my love.

This stanza is a brilliant example of where elaboration can be much text, accomplishing naught. "But remember that the truth will set you free." This is not a very good transition, frankly. Also, you don't need "but," or even "will set you." This could be abbreviated, clipped, into "Remember that truth sets free." Short, tight phrases linked together are always stronger and better than one long egregious phrase.

"power money fame or even love." You do need commas, though. "power, money, fame, or even love! My love."

"You've built strong walls but they're meant to be broken down, my love."
Gaaah. You have build strong walls but they are meant to be broken down. Very egregious. Your walls are meant for breaking. Or something like that. Remove the conjugations of "to be," the possessive articles, the conjunctions. The same goes for every other line, but this one is especially bad.

He’s invaded your soul and tore innocence out,

"Tore" should be "torn." Tense agreement.

crumpling up the page of tangy oranges and soft laughter,
tossed it in the trash, just to see if he’d make it in.
And now he carries out your mothers’ biddings, like a drunken sailor.
A rememberer of past sins.

"The page of tangy oranges and soft laughter." What is a page of tangy oranges and soft laughter? A storybook page? But why the oranges and laughter? Non sequitur.

"And now he carries out your mothers' biddings, like a drunken sailor."

Grammar: multiple mothers? And remove the 's' from "biddings." Biddings is not a word.

The image of one drunkenly doing as an evil stepmother dictates is fine. But it does not fit the theme. The weird suggested molestation, the tearing and slight fear, all wrap up into... a drunken sailor toady to her multiple mothers? This confuses me.

"Rememberer" is not a word. Rephrase.

This stanza is very important, but it is polluted by a confusion which is less than poetic. Try stepping back from the story, which makes you want to say so much, even with so little space, and instead look at each word individually, slowly widening your scope. You'll hopefully realize that there is something mixed up and uncertain about a stanza where style should be at its height and apotheosis should be washing through the channels of my eye sockets and frying my brain! Fry my brain! Right now, I'm shrugging it off. I feel the climax's presence, its weak passes at my consciousness. But it doesn't break through.

But despite your defenses you’re spinning into a black hole
of despair.
There’s a man at the door.
He’s back to take away all the good.

Think about expanding your contraction in the first line. And breaking around "defenses".

"He's back to take away all the good." Augh, caustic malfeasant trespassing misverbiage! Why?! I wanted this line to be more. It needs to be more. There's the startling return of some dark figure, and he's just... back to take away the good? Nothing more than that? No elaborate and horrifying scene, no complex scenario? You're starving me.

Leave your pretty pink castle.
With poetry, music, and books abound.
Dancing, joy, and flirting with sounds.
Empty and forever lonely, wondering about a cure.

I don't quite understand that the princess is running away here. Perhaps reword a few things to clarify that - suggesting the tension and uncertainty that surely accompanies such a dramatic decision.

Preposition misuse: change "with" to "where."
"Dancing, joy, and flirting with sounds" does not follow. It does not stand alone. It is not a sentence. So fragment error, confusion... I think you are trying to elaborate on what she is leaving behind in the castle, but it does not come through.

"Empty and forever lonely, wondering about a cure." Cure to what? Lonely and empty where, who? This does not follow either. This stanza is rather consternating. I try to follow the story, because I want, very much, to see what happens, but I am confounded at every turn by descriptions I do not expect, that I cannot seem to follow.

Go to the door.
Open it.
And hope to god that there’s nobody there.

Remove "and" in the last line to tighten style and clip pace.
These are instructions, in a way. It's one way of going about describing the escape; it's demanding. But it isn't active. There is not much excitement in the story at this moment. And so you must make up for that with style, diction, metaphor, anything to create intrigue and build tension.

There isn’t.
And you’ll live among the happy peasants
twirl in fields of sunshine and bright dreams.
Leave that dancing demon locked where he belongs;
inside you're castle.

I understand your ending. But I am unimpressed. All that, and we end with happy peasants, sunshine and bright dreams, a forgotten demon... and a grammar mistake. "You're" should be "your."

I really love the piece you are trying to write here. But, right now, the piece I am trying to read is just coming to me in glimpses between cracks in the awkward thick gilding of bad practice. You have a lot of potential, and the poem promises a fascinating take on the fairytale adventure, but it isn't there yet. Like a bad teaser trailer. I want to want to see the movie, but am just not sure yet.

Reconsider your title as well. It is blatant, unpoetic... And it kind of ruins whatever subtlety you try to work into your piece. Attempt to elaborate somehow on the story, or give insight that is not easily obtained from the reading.

I would love to see more. PM or wall post me if you revise.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir