Field Hospital, Somewhere in Western Europe
May 3rd 10:00 p.m.
Year Unknown
A scream, yes a scream, it would have been my first sound in I don’t know how long if it wasn’t for the pain. A sharp stabbing that rolled over my body in massive tsunamis. Then, for some reason I can’t understand, it began to leave. It went from tsunamis to large waves; then ending in the small waves that ruin your sand castle on the beach.
When the pain ended and I could actually focus, I tried to move. It didn’t go as planned; I knew it would be hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Try lifting a grown draft horse and you get the idea.
After that failed, I realized there were bandages covering my entire body. I figured the best thing to do would be to shut myself off from the world and think about the events that literally detonated on me.
Field Hospital, Somewhere in Western Europe
May 3rd 12 noon
Year Unknown
It was hot as a sauna and we were working, working to save a man’s life. Yes, I was here trying to fit my six’ ten” frame in a six’ one” white canvas tent that smelled of blood, sweat, chloroform, and pain. Yet here I am, holding a chloroform soaked rag over the mouth and nose of the patient, an officer. I looked at the man’s leg with a worried look, hoping he would make it through. Then I saw the surgeon standing there with a pair of bloody forceps and an iron bowl filled with blood covered lead shot and bits of bone. This unfortunate soldier had led an attack on the fortified city we were laying siege to. His legs had been ripped apart by a weapon I swear the Devil invented and gave to man, canister shot.
Canister shot to be simple is a wooden canister filled with lead slugs. When loaded and fired from our cannons; well, let’s not get too detailed and say it’s the same damage you get from shooting a man point blank with a shotgun on a larger scale.
Then, I heard a sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life. It was a massive WHUMP! I knew instantly what that was, even an idiot could tell that it was not a cannon, it was a very large mortar. I knew the kinds of damage these Devils’s spawn could cause. I’d seen the bodies: limbs blown off, people cut in half, men mutilated to the point that not even God would recognize them. I had a bad feeling where this one was going.
I heard the warning yells, the sound of the ripping canvas, and the heavy thunk of the round on the table. It landed and crushed the surgeon’s hand and severed what was left of the officer’s leg. Then, it detonated. I felt my body cut by the hot metal and wood with the same deadly simplicity a bayonet spears a man.
As I lay there bleeding, dying, the other medical teams carrying me out of the ruined tent. I see the destroyed and mutilated body of my brother, John was that officer.
One Year Later (give or take a few days)
Paris, France
Medical University, Auditorium
June 9th, 11:30 a.m.
Those horrible events kept playing in my head like a 12 hour opera. (Just trust me on this one, one of those is not the best way to spend an afternoon.) I just kept seeing the bodies so much you would think I’d lost my mind. Some days I wish I had so I could get out of this world. Others I wished that my life would have gone to Heaven with John’s. Hey, who am I kidding, I should he happy I’m alive.
I suddenly was awoken by someone shaking my shoulder and saying my name. “Dryden, Dryden, DRYDEN wake up”, a man was saying in a strange accent. I suddenly realized what it was, English.
“Shoot”, I said almost louder than a whisper. I bolted straight up in my chair, pausing only to look at the very embarrassing drool stain on my brown wool jacket.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Alright, just a few small errors here and there,
"His legs had been ripped apart by a weapon I swear the Devil invented and gave to man, canister shot."
I think the comma after man needs to be changed to a colon
"Canister shot, to be simple, is a wooden canister filled with lead slugs."
There needs to be a few commas in there
Also, I'd clarify what slugs are for those of us who are not war-savvy
"When loaded and fired from our cannons; well, let%u2019s not get too detailed and say it%u2019s the same damage you get from shooting a man point blank with a shotgun on a larger scale."
I think you could revise this sentence to something along the lines of "When these canister shots are loaded and fired from our cannons, well, it's easy to say that it's the same damage you get from shooting a man point blank with a shotgun."
"I see the destroyed and mutilated body of my brother, John was that officer."
I would put a semi-colon instead of a comma
Other than all that, awesome job!
Hi there!
Metaphors are lovely! But don't get carried away by them. See, at first you tell us it's a sharp pain and my head immediately thinks of a knife/ pin pricking. And then, you say rolling over like a tsunami which makes me thing of being squeezed and then released so my body hurts all over. So, which one do you want to convey to us?So, this is an interesting start, though I'm slightly confused by the format. It doesn't seem like a diary entry; more like he's telling things. But if he's telling things, you're jumping from A to C to B. I don't know.
Anyway. My first nit pick is what's with the Year unknown? Does your MC not know the year or is it some time in the world where years aren't tracked. But if that's the case, why have months? It's a little strange to have months and dates but no year. It doesn't make sense in my head.
I don't think the give or take a few days work to your advantage. It sounds too informal. Once again, if he knows it's June, how can he not know the year? It confuses me.
Description: While there's a hint of description strewn around, I would love to see more. Because, A., I have no idea what Western Europe looks like. Tell us what the MC thinks of the place. What's the surrounding? What's his emotion? You should show us more of what's going on if it's not in a diary format. If it's a diary format, show us what he thinks of things. That'll make the story clearer for us.
Now, this has to be an emotional part for your MC. Take this part and elaborate! That way we'll know more about your MC and it'll do wonders for character development.
Also; I was a bit disappointed that right after learning the character's name this chapter was stopped. I should love to get to know more.
So, in all, more description = better + character development!
Good luck and PM me if you need any help.
Cheers,
~Lava
Hey Miss, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I'd split this into two after the second scream.
You're mixing metaphors. It's not working.
Either say 6'10 or six foot ten, don't mix.
Okay, I totally imagined, like, slugs.
I saw.
II. FORMAT
I'm a little confused by what you're getting at here. Are these diary entries? If so, how can he be writing on while screaming and unconscious and in terrible pain? Then you suddenly jump backwards, then forwards again. I'm thinking, rather that the three different entries, maybe the first two would come off better as a flashback to the first. Think about structuring it so that it makes sense to us.
III. SETTING
Also here, I'd love to get more of a feel for the setting! Putting us in a field hospital "somewhere in Western Europe" doesn't give us much scope, and I'd like to know what year you're getting at as well. In a piece like this I feel that setting should be as strong as character. So why don't you try showing us a bit more of their surroundings?
IV. OVERALL
With a little work, this should be fantastic!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
[b]III.