This is my first poem that I've composed so I bet it's really bad, but there it is.
There are rumors in the town
They say 'tis 'bout Mr. Brown
He's getting old
He's getting grey
But that is not the worst they say
You could hear it at the market
You could hear it at the mall
You might even receive a phone call
From the person who started it all
But don't worry its not sad
It won't even make you mad
You'll get older
You'll get greyer
Then when you go to brush your hair
You will find that its not there!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm absolutely in love with this poem
I liked this one, Anna. Very amusing. However, I can't help but wonder why you structured the first stanza the way you did, when it follows the same patterns as the second?
OMG! This poem was SO you lol. Much, much better than the one you did with... well I have an idea of what 7-year-old you were writing with lol.
However, as you know, I'm a HUGE fan of the really deep poem. You could make this one in to something very much so, although I completely comprehend that it was to be a funny poem and such.
So, assuming you don't want to go back and add a verse or two with a deeper message (although I daresay this was rather deep); I quite enjoyed it!
No, not serious. Just funny.
I disagree with Phorcys - the rhyme is what makes this poem entertaining. It's not supposed to be serious, really, is it?
The first stanza is fine; it draws the reader in. Second stanza: that line about the phone call just has to go. That's the one thing is here that's really choking the poem because it's being forced to rhyme.
Not much else to say. Entertaining, light piece. Good stuff.
Colleen
mmm... I think you have fallen into "Poet's Pit". Sacrificing meaning of the poem just for the rhyme scheme.
You don't have to have rhyming poetry, take the rhyme out of other poems and let your feelings flow.
I thought this was good. I loved the irony at the end. However, I think it could have a little more inserted into the last stanza to smooth over the transition into irony. Nevertheless, I liked it.
I love the level of seriousness, but I found the ending a bit ironic;it was a good poem but the last stanza doesn't seem like it quite wants to fit...
Actually, this is not horrible! I like the style...it's a lot more non-meloncholy than most pieces we tend to find here on the YWS, even though it is talking about something serious.
My prime suggestion would be to find a little more meaning for this, however. The ending just isn't powerful, insightful, etc. enough. The conclusion has to make the reader want to reread the thing just to hear it again, and here it just doesn't.
But promising work!
Welcome to the YWS!
I'm sure I'll see you around.
aMego