Published December 14, 2006
I don't usually write sad stuff like this but let me know what you think.
My breath clouds the frosty air
Dogs bark loudly
They are coming
I climb a fence
My jeans get caught
My foot slips
I fall.
I am carried by a pair of hands
At each end
Bound and gagged
In a burlap sack
I smell the salty air
I feel the lurge of a boat
I hear the words
On the count of three
One, two, three
I am in the air
I am in the water.
I wear a yellow hat
I push some buttons
I make sure to keep away
From the cliff
And I push buttons
To make this large
Machine operate
Digging in the soil
With its spoon-like end
I drop something
On the machines little floor
I bend over to pick it up
My elbow pushes a bad button
I lurch forward
Near the cliff
I am airborne.
I am airborne no longer.
I exist no longer.
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
The first stanza just tells what's going on, rather than making the reader pay too close attention. The second stanza does a better job by adding a few more things about the subject, but it still didn't really get into his/her head.
I don't really understand the third stanza. It seems to kind of come out of nowhere.
Punctuation would be very helpful throughout to help separate different ideas. Punctuation helps clarify what you intend to say, and can add to take away emphasis where necessary, so it's not something you want to leave out.
In general, this seemed like a long description of what happened, but by the end, it didn't make me feel anything about the subject other than "oh, they're dead. okay" Sparseness and simplicity can work, just not all by themselves.
This poem really didn't...do anything for me. I suppose it was three stories, all about people's demise? It just didn't work, IMO.
Also, you had no punctuation at all. Poetry and Punctuation.
The theme is nice but it's lacking a little description and I agree that parts of it were repetetive.
I feel the lurge of a boat On this line, I think you mean 'lunge' rather than 'lurge.'
This piece has potential so keep working on it.
Oh my lol. We need more information about the person; make us care who they are. And why were they captured? Who were they running from? It doesn't quite make sense yet, but it has good bones from which to build
I can tell this is trying to tell a story, but what's the story? What's going on? Who is the narrator?
I like I am in the air
I am in the water.
I don't like I am airborne.
I am airborne no longer.
I exist no longer. because it's too repetitive.
Maybe I'd like this more if it were less vague, and had some more descriptions that move the narrative forward. It would be cool if you could use more of the narrator's senses.
Also, if the narrator dies in the end, give me a reason to be sad about it. Now, there's nothing that I can relate to.
Good luck!
-Jenna
The poem is a bit dark... its got a good understandable theme, im not the type to critisize your format or anything, you could work on keeping your stanzas flowing together though
keep writing =) happy reading (=