Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Tara Sanders confidently walked through the halls of Laybreeze Prepatory school in laybreeze, North Carolina. Stopping only at her locker to retrieve her books for her first class where she was confronted by Lily Shorter, A petite freshman. Not in the mood to talk Tara closed her locker “ Hi Lily ”. Tara exclaimed with false cheerfulness in her voice , not that anyone could tell. Short haired girl smiled “ welcome back Tara ”. It was the first day of school and everyone was calmly getting cached up with there very much missed friends. Tara flashed a quick smile and was about to walk of when she was almost blinded by the amount of energy this small girl gave off. She was obviously happy. Lily touched her shoulder lightly “ you ok ”? She managed a nod but the truth was that she was filled with a sudden urge to breathe in deeply . That how most werewolves got power or strength. Yes, the small animals they ate satisfied them but energy……… real human energy was better than any animal. Tara jerked her shoulder away with one swift movement and headed down the hall to anywhere where such a small girl had such a huge control over her. Then , suddenly out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of sunlight . Or rather hair……..very familiar hair.

Logan? She breathed knowing he couldn’t hear her telepathically . Only bonded pairs could do that. “hey babe I - ” but he didn’t get to finish because in almost unconscious Tara fell into his waiting arms.

So to everyone who read this story and would like to see the corrections than if you would be so kind as if to it read it under my new account Mislady101. With one s , thank you.

Misslady101,
I wanted to review your short story chapter…I put my notes in UPPERCASE hope they show up when I post….
Please read my chapter 1 – Sirena in return and let me know what you think.. work.php?id=95310


Tab to indent paragraph Tara Sanders confidently walked through the halls of Laybreeze Prepatory sSchool in laybreeze, North Carolina. BEFORE HER FIRST CLASS, SHE STOPPED ONLY AT HER LOCKER.Stopping only at her locker to retrieve her books for her first class SHE WAS CONFRONTED BY LILY SHORTER, A PETITE FRESHMAN.where she was confronted by Lily Shorter, A petite freshman. Not in the mood to talk Tara closed her locker
COUPLE THINGS HERE…NO SPACES AFTER THE FIRST QUOTATIONS IN A TALK. AND THE PERIOD GOES BEFORE THE END QUOTES BECAUSE THEY ARE SPEAKING A SENTENCE.“ Hi Lily ”. Tara exclaimed with false cheerfulness in her voice ,<NO SPACE BEFORE COMMAS not that anyone could tell. NOT THAT ANYONE COULD TELL…BUT THE NARRARATOR? Short haired girl smiled AGAIN, NO SPACE AND PERIOD BEFORE END QUOTES. ALSO, WHICH ONE IS SHORT HAIRED? YOU DIDN’T SAY IF IT’S THE PETITE GIRL OR MAIN CHARACTER. DESCRIBE YOUR MAIN CHARACTER SOME MORE..
ALSO, EVERY NEW QUOTE BY A DIFFERENT PERSON GETS A NEW PARAGRAPH.“ welcome back Tara ”. It was the first day of school and everyone was calmly getting cached up with there REVIEW YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY, OR INVEST IN MICROSOFT WORD…YOU HAVE THE WRONG THEIR . WHEN OYOU’RE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WITH THE WORD THEIR ITS T H E I R*very much missed friends.
I DON’T MEAN TO SOUND RUDE BUT I’M STOPPING HERE UNTIL YOU FIX THESE ERRORS. THE SAME ERRORS ARE REPEATING THROUGH OUT. SEND ME A MESSAGE WHEN YOU FIX THESE BASIC GRAMMER MISTAKES AND I’LL REVIEW MORE OF YOUR WORK…
SO FAR, IT'S ALL ONE REALLY LONG PARAGRAPH

Tara flashed a quick smile and was about to walk of when she was almost blinded by the amount of energy this small girl gave off. She was obviously happy. Lily touched her shoulder lightly “ you ok ”? She managed a nod but the truth was that she was filled with a sudden urge to breathe in deeply . That how most werewolves got power or strength. Yes, the small animals they ate satisfied them but energy……… real human energy was better than any animal. Tara jerked her shoulder away with one swift movement and headed down the hall to anywhere where such a small girl had such a huge control over her. Then , suddenly out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of sunlight . Or rather hair……..very familiar hair.
Logan? She breathed knowing he couldn’t hear her telepathically . Only bonded pairs could do that. “hey babe I - ” but he didn’t get to finish because in almost unconscious Tara fell into his waiting arms.

Hey there MIsslady! Welcome to YWS, I hope you like it here! I'm Shino, and I'm going to review this for you!

First of all, quick tip, you don't need to be told this, but don't use as many exclamation points as I do. I abuse the exclamation point. If exclamation points could file restraining orders, I would be thoroughly restrained.

Anyway! On to your story! I thought the idea that werewolves have telepathy and can feed off of others energy was very clever, nice work. You introduced us to a lot of character right off the bat, and readers can be confused. That's not a problem, but you could extend this chapter and throw in a bit more about these friends and their relationships with one another. We know some things about these characters, like that Tara likes Logan, she is familiar with him.

This was slightly confusing. I had some trouble understanding who was doing what in this scene. I really loved it after I got what was going on. I think the only problem with your story is grammar and punctuation, every writer's arch-nemesis after writer's block.

If you ever need help with a grammar rule, hit me up! I enjoy working with grammar, I need all the practice I can get.

This is all one really long paragraph that has a lot going on in it. I think it would be less confusing if you divide it up into multiple paragraphs, that'll make it easier on the reader. A paragraph is a group of sentences that leads the reader to one idea. For instance, the following paragraph is about Henry.

Henry is a middle-aged man. He suffers from debilitating depression. This stems from traumatizing childhood events. His mother was never there for him, and his father left him before he was born. Henry still can't let go of his emotions.

That whole paragraph was about Henry. This next paragraph is about what Henry does every morning.

Every morning, Henry wakes up to his alarm clock. He recently lost his job, so now he just hits snooze and drifts back into an oblivion of nightmares and darkness. Eventually, he awakes to a pounding sound, it's usually his partner, Amy, coming to wake him up. Then, he goes and investigates a murder.

The two paragraphs were just one idea, or one event. You can mix things up by blending these two, but try not to make it confusing. You could talk about how Henry likes to stay in bed because when he is awake, he is always sad. You could then explain that his sadness stems from a violent childhood.

Just remember, one paragraph, one event.

Another thing about paragraphs is, only one character can say or think something in a paragraph, for instance:

"Hey Henry!" Jamie shouted from across the street, waving like a mad man. "How are you?" He asked. "I was better before I saw you," he said, making finger guns and pointing them at his temple. "Well, sorry to ruin your morning."

That was kind of confusing right? Hard to decipher. This is better:

"Hey Henry!" Jamie said, waving like a mad man.
"How are you?" Henry asked.
"I was better before I saw you," he said, making finger guns and pointing them at his temple.
"Well, sorry to ruin your morning."

This time, you knew who was saying what, and you didn't have to pull out the old, "he said" after every line of dialogue.

Now, on to quotation marks! "The things around this line of text are quotation marks, you know that of course." Take not that the quotation marks touch the first and last letter of the text. Quotation marks are hugs that say, "I'm talking now." Remember, you have to touch when you're giving a hug, and quotation marks are hugs. This how my English teacher taught me.

This story is overflowing with potential. You have an interesting cast of characters, and I feel like you are taking this in a nice direction. Just fill out your characters, read up on grammar and punctuation, and kick some butt! You can do this, I believe in you, and most importantly of all, you believe in you! Good luck, and keep writing!

Hey! I stumbled across this and I thought I'd give it a read. So, what I did was copy what you've posted, and I put recommended changes in brackets [ ] and comments in parentheses ( ).

Tara Sanders confidently walked through the halls of Laybreeze Prepatory school in [L]aybreeze, North Carolina. Stopping only at her locker to retrieve her books for her first class where she was confronted by Lily Shorter, [a] petite freshman. Not in the mood to talk[,] Tara closed her locker[.] “ Hi Lily[,"]Tara exclaimed with false cheerfulness in her voice , not that anyone could tell. Short haired girl smiled (Is Lily the short-haired girl? You've only said that she was petite. It's unclear who you are talking about here.) “[W]elcome back Tara ”. It was the first day of school and everyone was calmly getting [caught] up with [their] very much missed friends. Tara flashed a quick smile and was about to walk [off] when she was almost blinded by the amount of energy this small girl gave off. She was obviously happy. Lily touched her shoulder lightly “[Y]ou ok ”? She managed a nod but the truth was that she was filled with a sudden urge to breathe in deeply . That how most werewolves got power or strength. Yes, the small animals they ate satisfied them but energy[,] real human energy was better than any animal. Tara jerked her shoulder away with one swift movement and headed down the hall to anywhere where such a small girl had such a huge control over her. (This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean to say she was walking away?) Then , suddenly out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of sunlight . Or rather hair……..very familiar hair.
Logan? She breathed knowing he couldn’t hear her telepathically . Only bonded pairs could do that. “[H]ey babe[,] I - ” but he didn’t get to finish because in almost unconscious Tara fell into his waiting arms.

Overall, I like the idea a lot. But there are a lot of capitalization errors and missed punctuation that made the story a little hard to read. I will keep checking back though to see where this goes, please keep writing!

-November Payne