please feel free to critique, give ideas, and thoughts on this. it's a rough draft!
FIRST DRAFT:
Close your eyes
Listen to the notes arrive
They gradually swing
Forming music in so little time
Take in every single word
Hum the tune; everything you've heard
Follow your heart and let your mind bring you to a faraway place
Listen to the music's sweet embrace
Learn from what you see,
Become anything you wish to be
Come into your own,
Be comfortable with who you are
Believe in the music; let all your troubles melt away
Let your heart sink into the words
Let your mind's thoughts rattle inside,
Don't ever let the spirit of music die.
SECOND DRAFT:
Close your eyes,
Listen to the notes arrive
As they swing gradually
Forming music in so little time.
Take in every single word
Hum the tune; everything you've heard
Follow your heart and let your mind bring you to an enchanted place,
Listen to the music's sweet embrace
Learn from what you hear,
Be brave and never fear
Become anything you wish to be,
Let your spirit run free.
Your dreams; Your special kingdom
You're now a victim
Of your own fantasy
Don't you agree?
With music there is always a way
Just lie here, just stay
Soon everything will dissapear.
Now,
Open your eyes,
But don't ever let the spirit of music die.
Hmmmm.. I'm going to be perfecting this a lot I can already tell. haha.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is very nice and simple.
What you have to aim for with a simple piece is to keep it simple. Sometimes the intrigue in simple writing is that it's so truthful and bare. And you don't want to weigh that down in this piece.
I don't like enchanted place, but that's just a personal preference. Nothing actually displeasing about that
Also, you need to stick with one kind of meter. Your stanzas go to ABAB sometimes, other times it's AABB, meaning that the words at the end of the first and third line rhyme, or the words at the end of the first and second lines rhyme, etc. If you want to do have a meter you have to stick with one. You could get creative and mix up two or three meters, as long as there's a pattern....Now, you may not be aiming to have meter, and that's just how it happened. If you're just free-writing I would encourage you to change some of the words that rhyme so that is appears that way a little more.
In spite of all that I said, a poem is a poem, a work of art. And it's your art, and artistic license allows you to do whatever you want with your art. So, if what I have said has only frustrated you, just allow your piece to be what it is.
Continue writing, and learning.
i think you should change faraway to special it flows better
great poem, i like the rhyming. some poems really flow better with rhyming like this one for example.
maybe you put "As they swing gradually" just a thought.
you can't "see" music exactly. You say "listen" to the music's sweet embrace and then you ask us to see. maybe something like this instead
"Learn from what you hear
Feel your dreams getting near"
good job! not bad at all for a rough draft.