sparks are flying through the air,
we're becoming closer than ever before.
as you twirl your finger through my hair,
you're so close that i'm expecting a kiss
but this just isn't perpetual bliss.
i try to hold back the tears, but it's finally clear,
this is our last goodbye.
i rest my head upon your shoulder, hoping not to cry.
i listen to your heartbeat,
and nothing else really seems to matter
just me and you,
i wish i could stay in this night forever.
once upon a time would be a dream starting of all of this,
if only it had a "happily ever after".
but this story only ends with one final kiss.
as we exchange our last words
and as you leave for your plane,
i understand that for you, and only you,
i'll live with the pain.
our memories will always be in the back of our minds,
and maybe one day we just might be able
to take back our goodbyes.
i know this poem isn't all that great, but i was on writer's block and just decided to post it anyway!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello.
Nice to meet ya. I'm Knightly.
It's always grand when writers are able to use original rhyme schemes but consistency is also really important. You started out with a certain rhyme scheme, continue with it. Shifting through so many different schemes throws the momentum of this poem off.
Writer's block. hate it. same dilemma at the moment. hahaha.
Well, first of all, I suggest that you capitalize letters that need be capitalized in the poem. Beginning of the lines and such. I also suggest you put punctuation marks into this and capitalize after periods. It may not seem like a major thing but it really helps with the flow of the poem.
Capitalization and punctuation is a major thing in poetry. Sometimes it helps get the message across more clearly by emphasizing certain lines using punctuation. Unless no punctuation and capitalization would enhance your poem, I suggest you add it in. e.e cummings for example didn't use punctuation or capitalization in his poetry but he had a purpose for doing so. So yes, in summary, punctuate and capitalize.
Next, on your rhyme scheme. I'm a fan of rhyming poetry.
Your concept is a very classic one. Poets of long ago wrote about wives watching their beloved go out to see. Today people watch loved ones leave for war, work, education or something else. In short it's a concept that would probably touch anyone who reads this poem. As at any point everyone has said goodbye to somebody. Personally, it's a very heart-wrenching concept to write about. So bravo for writing about this and making us feel how hard it is to let go of someone. However, I think that this can still become more powerful. Use imagery, don't just say your tears are falling, explain the feelings that made your tears fall. Paint the feelings using words. In terms of imagery, this poem is quite dry and bland. Color up this poem more.
Here you have ok imagery but here, particularly your words are cliche and dry:
Anyway, good luck on revisions you shall make.
-Knightly
Hi Julie! I'm Kat *shakes hand*
Now, I'd like to disagree with the above reader. There is no need to capitalize every first letter of the line, but there is a need to capitalize some.
The examples I'm going to give you are the ones that should be capitalized.
Example A:
Example B:
Also, normally if you end the above line with a period the next one should be capitalized. usually, the first line and first line's of a stanza do need to be capitalized.
Hope I helped,
-Kat-
Okay Julie.
I reviewed another poem of yours today and the same principles go for this one.
You should have a capital letter at the start of each new line.
Just a reminder :]
Izzy
ok... not bad for a writers block! I'm still trapped in one lol i can't even write much.
But there's a lot of things that could have been better with this poem. You captured the emotion of the goodbye certainly, especially with you wishing happily ever after and such. But it felt like it could have flowed better. It doesn't have to rhyme but i think it would flow better. Maybe you could try it and if you like it then keep it, if the rhyming doesn't work then oh well.
So yes, good poem but I see it being wayyyy better. keep it up though and at least you got one through a writer's block.