Large topaz, catlike eyes scanned the black sky.
“They’re gaining on us! Coystar, get us out of here!” she hissed. A grey coyote in a black tight suit nodded and he started to pilot the ship away from a distant spaceship. The cat alien looked like a normal human except for the fact that she had yellow eyes, short fangs, and a white fluffy tail.
“Skidia, watch out!” she cried, the half wolf, half bat alien ducked down as a light green laser beam singed off some of her fur.
“Coystar! Our radio is broken! We can’t signal for help, we have to get into hyperspace!” she announced. Skidia leapt to one of the control panels. Her long blue claws clicked rapidly onto the keyboard.
“What are you doing?” Coystar questioned as he tried to dodge the missiles.
“I’m trying to get our rays to work, but it’s not responding. Our damage of the battleship is quite serious so we might be traveling slower. We need to get rid of some of the things on board.” She informed. As if on cue they started to heave things and toss them off the ship.
“Techo! Come on, we have to get the wires in the space capsule. We need to try and radio for help.” Skidia raced into one of the space capsules, followed by a flat disk like robot. The robot ran on wheels and had a little head with curly antennas. Coystar curled up his furry fist and smashed the glass.
He yanked out a red handled string.
“Engaging into hyperspace commencing in thirty seconds, thirty, twenty-nine…” The computer hummed. The cat alien rushed in just in time to hear the machine.
“Ejecting all space capsules to confirm escape.” Her yellow eyes widened.
“Coystar! Don’t, Skidia is in one of the capsules!” Her frantic wails couldn’t stop the ejection. Coystar gasped and tried to change it but the battleship didn’t respond. She rushed over to the capsule and banged onto the door.
“Skidia! Get out of there! You’re going to get ejected!” Then a large metal door sealed the door to the capsule and there were sounds of gears moving.
“No! Skidia!”
“To cease ejection press the blue button within ten seconds, ten, nine, and eight…” She scrambled up and was about to press it when the other ship fired several missiles, causing her to fall back. Then there was a large sucking sound, Coystar peered out of the window and gasped.
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Skidia had fallen back when her vehicle had been ejected. She gritted her teeth; her yellow eyes darted about, trying to find the right button or lever to pull or push to change the capsule into a small ship. Techo screeched and slammed into Skidia.
“Techo!” she clawed at the slippery walls.
“Man, those aliens are going to destroy this thing! Techo, create a barrier for our pod!” The robot opened a compartment and a mechanical claw came out and pressed several keys on the keyboard.
Immediately a purplish clear barrier formed around the pod. The green rays destroyed the barrier after several beams, but the capsule was falling away towards a planet inhabited by humans, Earth.
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“Oh no! I’m going to be late for school!” A black haired boy yelped. He grabbed his thin jacket and his backpack and started for the door.
“Luster! Don’t forget to eat breakfast!” A brown curly haired elderly woman reminded, she shoved him a piece of toast which he held in his mouth. Luster hurried to school. He slung his backpack onto his back and he took several bites out of the toast before throwing away the burnt parts.
“Man, I really am going to be late. That’ll be the fifth time this year!” He ran for quite some time before stopping. He looked up and gasped, a smoky object was falling down from the sky. He saw that it was about to land near the woods.
“Aaaahhhh!” He raced off to school. Luster took a quick glance at his watch and saw that in about one minute the bell was going to ring so he used the rest of his energy and was about to make it just in time when he crashed into his homeroom teacher.
“Why, I never have had such a rude student crash into me!” The teacher exclaimed and picked up the papers that were scattered around the floor. Hoping to be forgiven, Luster assisted his teacher by picking up three of the papers.
“Luster Hawk! You’ll see me after school today and why this is the sixth time your late! Now get inside!”
“Um, it’s the fifth time that I’ve been late.” He shyly corrected. His teacher turned red and shoved him in.
“Stupid detention. My mom won’t be happy that I have to stay in this stuffy room for two hours. I’m supposed to be shopping for groceries too.” He tapped his fingertips onto the dark surface of the desk.
“Just an hour more to go.” He sighed and took out a comic that he had been recently reading.
“At least I have something with me still, ha; the teachers don’t know that I have this with me.” He eagerly started reading it. When he heard footsteps nearing the room he quickly sat on the book and pretended to be sighing and muttering some curses. After doing this for an hour the principal released him and he hurried off to the store.
On his way there he saw a girl of about his age sitting on a tree branch. She seemed to be the only one on campus except for some of the staff and him.
“Hey, did you get detention too?” The girl stared at him. Luster stood there in shock as golden yellow eyes seemed to bore through him. Her long curved bangs cast a large shadow over her eyes. The girl’s long black hair was flowing around calmly.
“Do you have contacts?” Luster knew that this was a lame question but he figured that this girl was probably not so smart.
“Contacts?” She raised an eyebrow. She then leapt down with lightning speed and tugged the boy into a nearby alley. Luster was shoved onto the hard concrete ground.
“Human, don’t you go around the place talking about me or I’ll personally rip your beating heart out of you!” She hissed, and then she pulled off her large gloves, revealing long blue claws. They replaced her nails, part of her fingers were covered with white fuzzy fur. She revealed some short but sharp fangs.
“What are you? Please don’t tell me you’re an alien from outer space, ha ha.” Luster responded meekly.
“My origin and my species is none of your concern, you worthless brat. I will take you as hostage so the other annoying human brats will not harm me while I’m recovering my strength.”
“Recovering your strength? Doesn’t that mean that right now you’re weak?” Luster asked. Her eyes widened but then narrowed.
“How do you know that?” she then saw Luster withdrawing some red licorice from his pocket.
“What’s that?” he handed it to her. She stood up and sniffed it. She took a bite out of it and cracked a deadly smile.
“You’re lucky this time human, next time when I meet you I’ll kill you if you don’t have anything to eat.” She walked away. Luster got up, his pants was torn.
“Hey, what’s your name, please?” She turned.
“Name? My alien name is Skidia, the half wolf and half bat alien from the planet Tornka.” Skidia turned to him before leaving.
“Oh, next time is sure to bring some of that red long thing. It’s really good.” She then winked and ran off.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi guys! I hope you liked it, thanks for the feedback. It's really helpful but then again I'm not that great at grammar to sorry! I'll try my best though! Please continue reading the story if you find it interesting. Right now it isn't really interesting but soon it will be as the plot builds up and there will definitely be action and a small hint of romance in a few more chaps!
Thank you for reading this!
Hey there mintantlers, and welcome to YWS.
Not very original for dialogue in my opinion.
Comma in front of the word "human".
"The half wolf, half bat alien" bit is telling, not showing. You want to show, not tell. Telling disrespects the reader and makes it harder for them to feel immersed with your character. Try to show what I've placed in the quote marks.
Show how they dodged the missles, don't tell.
Several points:
1. As if on cue? You might want to elaborate on that as it is rather confusing to the reader since there isn't much development beforehand to merit the imagery.
2. Be more specific with the word "things". If you are referring to certain items as "things" it seems as if you don't even know what you are talking about, and the reader will hence take your story less seriously.
3. Toss them off the ship? How? Did they throw it overboard? Be more specific in your showing details.
Robot? Whoa, where did he come from? The pacing of this story is ridiculously fast.
This sentence doesn't seem to carry too well with the last sentence, as you have jumped from an action scene to describing a freaking robot! I suggest you somehow work this description with the action scene so that your story continues to flow.
1. This sentence is grammatically incorrect. This is because from the way you've written the phase "Then there was a large sucking sound", it doesn't allow for the idea to link from one thing to the next (even with the comma).
2. Show the sucking sound. Use more imagery and draw out its senses.
This dialogue isn't very realistic.... I can't imagine someone saying the above in real life.
The word "gasped" is used again, causing repetition to occur which affects the vitality of the piece.
Having "Aaaahhh!" in dialogue is just childish writing. Show the scream, don't resort to childish writing to portray this.
1. Run on sentence.
2. Used the rest of his energy? lol is Luster a cyborg running on battery cells? From the way you've worded it, I had that impression that he was.
Another piece of unrealistic dialogue.
This is just downright corny. Would you be mumbling the above to yourself about that? In the mind, probably, but saying it to yourself...it's just retarded.
Same as above.
"When he heard footsteps nearing the room." - You might want to be more creative in showing this.
Replace "book" with "comic" to avoid confusing the reader.
Comma in front of the word "hour". Also, what reason is there for the principal to release him?
Omit "there". Then, place a comma in front of the word "way". Also, what made your main character think that the girl is the only one on the campus?
Showing details help add more depth to the situation.
Who asked that question? And why would he asked if he/she has contacts or not?
Well isn't it a no brainer? And here I thought the alien was smart -.- The "s" in "she" should be capitalized.
Would an alien be so specific about his race?
Overall impressions:
Hrmm, this was ok. I like the idea behind this piece, which is quite solid and interesting. However, the way that you've executed the idea is not as potent as the idea itself.
You seem to be rather sparse with your descriptions and imagery. You attempt to use it, but it isn't worked with the story and characters that well. As a matter of fact, it was rather hard to picture what was happening. Part of that would probably because you don't elaborate on your descriptions and imagery further and the way you've worded it.
The pacing of the story is rather fast. Again, this is because you don't elaborate on scenes such as character interactions and action scenes that well, making them shallow. The story jumps from one idea to another without much thought on the structure and how it all plans out.
Characters seem to be interesting, but the way that you have executed the ideas have failed to bring the characters to life. We were not shown the emotions, thoughts and personality of Luster (and to a somewhat lesser extent, Skidia. Luster seems quite bland in my opinion. You didn't really make much of an effort to bring out the depth of the character. Luster seems like your typical dumb main character, but there isn't any substance to back up this character trait. At the moment, I am more interested in Skidia, but she doesn't have much depth on her either. I couldn't really relate to Skidia that well either, as there isn't anything to back up her actions and character.
Lastly, the dialogue for the characters needs some work. At times, it is rather unnatural and lacks any creativity in making the dialogue memorable and a true representation of your characters. The scene where Luster was talking to himself needs more development. You haven't shown any reasons as to why he acts that way.
In the play "Macbeth"by William Shakespeare, Macbeth himself and Lady Macbeth have scenes where they would talk to themselves. That is acceptable, as we are shown the reasons as to why they do this, through their actions, thoughts and other dialogue. These aspects help explain as to why they would talk to themselves at times throughout the plot.
In Luster's case, he doesn't seem to have any.
Andy.