Remaking You, chapter 1, part 1.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well...this was a pretty intriguing start here to this story. It feels like very much like its here to introduce us to the characters and I think it does a pretty good job of that here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Violet Grace Blaine. Not a lot of people know my name. I have an unwanted invisibility superpower, at school, and at home.The perfect Senior who's got a head start on a modeliling career is my sister, Kyleen Angela Blaine. The musical prodigy Junior, Gabin Skyler Blaine, is my brother. They each get a 50% of our parents' love and attention.

I am the socially awkward Sophmore that noone ever notices.

Alright, well this is a bit of a clunky beginning here. I kind of get the general vibe of what you're going for here but at the same time, this feels entirely too much like a list of things here, and that's not usually a very good note to start a story off on here...so you really need to look into that one there.

Two days into Christmas break, the rest of my family had decided to move, transfer us to a fine arts oriented school. Notice the way I said 'the rest of my family' meaning, i didn't find out about the plans until this morning.

"Violet," Kyleen let her 5-feet-11-inch self in my room. "Are you going to stay holed up in your room all break? You haven't even started packing, yet."She gestured to a pile of empty boxes clustered on the floor.

Well, that is a good detail to slip in there, it certainly lets you know the kind of way that her family treats and what they must think of here. I also like the voice that our protagonist here has...you've made it pretty likeable so far here.

"Maybe I would have if I was in on the whole moving plan, like, before today." The tone of my voice was sharper then usual. Kyleen's eyebrows went up a notch.

"I thought they told you." She said.

"Okay, whatever." I dropped the subject. "Anyways, why are you here?" I loved my sister and all, but she almost never came into my room without needing something out of me.

Hmm, well that's interesting, it looks like despite how everyone seems to treat, she still does care for them, when the earlier paragraphs seemed to indicate that the opposite was true..so well, this is a good detail here.

"I'm going out with some friends, and I want you to cover for me if I don't get home by Midnight. Tell Mom that I went to the library or something."

I nodded, and watched in envy as Kyleen walked out with every self poise and grace a girl could have. Kyleen and I, people wouldn't believe that we came out of the same woman. Sometimes, I think i was adopted. While Kyleen has thick, light-brown, beautiful curls with natural dark highlights, I have jet black, straight hair that will refused to ever be tempered with, with no highlight whatsoever. While Kyleen has soft, creamy skin with no blemishes to be found, I have a rather pale skin that gets bruised way too easily.

Well...I'm detecting a little bit of a lack of self worth there, she's doing a loot of comparisons there with her sister, and she just seems very insecure about her own appearance there, definitely an interesting characteristic to include there.

Gabin and Kyleen, on the other hand, have an unmistakable resemblence to each other. The hair, the sparkling emerald green eyes... But I'm not complaining about my eyes. They are probably the only thing I like about my own body. They are a shade of startling dark grey, with a touch of silver.

I heard the door open then close, and the sound of Kyleen's Infinite pulling out of the driveway. I sat for another little while, then set off to three whole hours of packing.

Hmm...a rather subdued ending this one...not necessarily the most cliffhangery and yet I think enough happens and enough is revealed in this part that we do get enough of a hook to want to read more.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a very solid start here...I think this is headed in a good direction here judging by this one, and I potentially read more of this story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi!

So this is a bit of a short start to the story, so it does leave the reader wondering where you're going to go with it. But with that said, it also does seem to have a few cliches that you should probably watch out for to make sure that your story stands out.

For example, there are many other stories about the angsty middle child who always feels left out. Make your story defy that cliche by creating a character that isn't just a typical teenager who thinks the entire world is out to get her. Your character needs to be likeable and believable, not just a cardboard cut-out stereotype.

One suggestion I could make on how to make this happen though as well as make your entire story grab the reader more is just to go through and flesh out the entire piece a bit more. It's impossible to say this too much, show don't tell! You don't want to dump all the character's thoughts and complaints on the reader in a couple of paragraphs. Draw it out and develop the relationships and events a bit more as well as all your characters - especially the main one(s).

As a quick example, let's just take a quick look at this first paragraph:

Violet Grace Blaine. Not a lot of people know my name. I have an unwanted invisibility superpower, at school, and at home. The perfect Senior who's got a head start on a modeliling career is my sister, Kyleen Angela Blaine. The musical prodigy Junior, Gabin Skyler Blaine, is my brother. They each get a 50% of our parents' love and attention.

With this paragraph, your readers are bombarded with information about this girl and her family in a very "telly" way. You're not really showing your readers anything about the characters except the stereotypical roles that they each play when you want to make them stand out. Maybe try introducing them by having them interact with each other.

One way you could do this is by using the situation with Violet not knowing that they are going to move. Maybe have her walk into a conversation between the four other members of her family about the move and show us how she reacts. Is it typical for her not to be included? Is she completely blindsided by this decision? How do they react to her appearance?

A more subtle introduction could do wonders in making this more interesting and keep your readers engaged. If you need more tips on developing your characters and showing vs. telling, here are a couple articles that might help you out a bit:

http://www.writingforward.com/writing-t ... -dont-tell
http://www.fictionfactor.com/characters.html (there are a lot of different articles here, but some you might want to focus more on are the ones under the heading "Bringing Characters to Life".

Please keep in mind that these are all just suggestions that I hope will help you improve. I sincerely hope that you don't take anything I said the wrong way.

To end I'd just like to say that I think you did a really good job with this paragraph that describes your characters:

I nodded, and watched in envy as Kyleen walked out with every self poise and grace a girl could have. Kyleen and I, people wouldn't believe that we came out of the same woman. Sometimes, I think i was adopted. While Kyleen has thick, light-brown, beautiful curls with natural dark highlights, I have jet black, straight hair that will refused to ever be tempered with, with no highlight whatsoever. While Kyleen has soft, creamy skin with no blemishes to be found, I have a rather pale skin that gets bruised way too easily.

These are great descriptions that really help your readers picture what the characters look like. Good job!

Overall, I really do think that this story has a ton of potential. Great job, keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your work!

~ Patricia Tina

Ps. If you have any questions/comments about anything I said above, please do feel free to contact me! I really do hope that this helps and that my suggestions are clear and reasonable.