Young Writers Society

GOOD!but got to work on the things which Snoink has suggested on.

Best of luck.

cute...but...er...
heaps?

It's sweet and cute but thats about it sorry Sis, Like snoink said work on your timing and it will be a lot better, your definatly improving though and your grammar is way better than mine hands down

The endings of the first 2 lines sound... a little off. I don't know why.

Okay... I realize that "heaps" and "keeps" rhyme, but the metering is a little off.

Kiss me babe, -- this is three syllables long.
I love you heaps. -- this is four syllables long.
I'm not playing, -- this is four syllables long.
I'm going for keeps. -- this is five syllables long.

So basically, the timing sounds all wrong because the first line is 3 + 4 syllables long and the second line is 4 + 5 syllables long. It doesn't really fit. Add a couple more syllables to make it appear more even.

The next lines, though they don't rhyme, seem to be better because the metering is more consistent.

Anyway, good luck.

"I love you heaps" ?
that sounds off.

Its okay but certainly not top quality. Nice enuoph.

nice little short poem, the first two lines rhymed, but the other two don't rhyme much... but its pretty good, no grammer or spelling mistakes. Clear and concise.