Here is the first part of my story/novel. Hope you like it.
”Negative”
I lifted my glance from the computer screen. And looked at Jack when he passed by I didn’t understand why he liked to call me after what it said on my shirt.
I turned around and looked at the computer screen. Still a couple of hours and I could go home.
“Chris, could you come and help me?” Heidi asked and gave me the look “fast before the teacher comes”.
“What?” I asked and looked at her layout
“This photo doesn’t work like I want to”
“Yeah, that’s because you made that all in Illustrator, and you should have done it in Indesign” I smiled and opened indesign to her and helped her to get started with the layout.
“Thanks Chris” I don’t know what I could do without your help” I got back to my place and looked at the clock it was 3pm. I looked at the layout I have done and decided to show it to Mr. Robertson, our teacher.
“It looks good… you could make one version were the heading is light... But otherwise you made a very good job Christina, and when you are done you can work with some other stuff you have undone”
“Thanks”
I changed the font to light saved and opened a photo of my friends were they wore some 80’s clothes for our play. I was supposed to do the program, it was pretty easy because I had already done the advertisement.
“You want to email those photos to me?” I looked over my shoulder and saw Jack watching on my computer screen
“No, I actually don’t want to”
“Okay, what are they for anyway?”
“It’s going to be for a program for a play”
“Are you in a drama group?”
“Yeah”
“Cool, show me a picture of you”
“No”
“Why not?”
“I look totally stupid in the 80’s clothes I’m wearing in the play” Jack had a big smile on his face and he was going to say something to me but the magpie was faster than him.
“Jack, you are supposed to be watching Eric’s pictures over here and let Christina be doing her job” She said and before Jack went back to his own classmates he looked me at me with a “I hate that bitch” look. I smiled back at him.
Jack was on the final grade and he was the most talented student in our school. He was trying to get to the most wanted graphic design school after his graduation and everybody knew that he would be picked.
“Chris”
“Yeah?” I answered and turned my head to my left and looked at Heidi.
“Are you staying here late tonight?”
“Sorry, I have to go, I have rehearsals tonight.”
“Okay, when is the opening night?”
“Next weekend” I replied
“Are you going home tonight?”
“No… I think I’m going to sleep over at my grandparents”
“You should go home”
“Not as long as mom and dad are favoring my sisters” Heidi looked at me but I pretended that I didn’t see her look, she didn’t understand that it wasn’t easy for me to be called the irresponsible in our family. Heidi had also a sister but her parents where fair, I guess, a least when she talked about them it seemed so. But even if she had that stupid opinion that I should go home she was very important to me, she was like a like a mother to me, even if she was just a couple of years older than me.
At the rehearsal I walked over to Peter even if he was going through his lines with Daniela
“Peter”
“Yes”
“Do you think I could get a ride with you to my grandparents?”
“Sure, Dad is picking me up at 8”
“Good”
“Are you still avoiding your parents?”
“Yeah” Daniela didn’t want to hear more. What was the problem with all the girls in our drama group. No one of them wanted to be my friend. I looked after she walked over to Georgina and Fanny. And I was sure they were talking something about me.
“I don’t understand why they are avoiding you” Peter said
“They don’t like me”
“Yeah that’s the thing I don’t understand, you’re awesome, funny, good looking, the best graphic designer ever”
“No I’m not. I’m going with the bus”
“What?”
“Bye, see you at the next rehearsal”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, apparently I'm here to give you a little advice on description but before that, here's the line by line:
Alright, now lecture time =) My main criticism of this piece is that there's no visual aid for your reader. There's no setting description or character description or anything. There's just no atmosphere to it so it feels a little flat and dull. But have no fear, it can be fixed.
The Basics
You need to describe your characters. Some people tell their readers the eye and hair colour and that's fine but don't stop there. You need to make these characters so real that your reader can see them too, can hear them and even smell them. A reader can't relate to a character if they have no idea what that character looks like. So first, decide on the details. What face shape, body shape, height, weight, size of nose, clothes, skin colour etc. Are there any particular features that distinguish your character from the average person? A nose piercing perhaps or a scar?
Next, you need to slot these details into the story. Don't just list them in one blocky paragraph. That's what we writers like to call an info dump. Instead, add a sentence here and there. Tag it on to the end of dialogue or a little when you first introduce them. Add it when you give body actions and movements. Here's a few example sentences:
"Paul, can you lend me a hand?" Alice tucked a stray lock of tangled, brown hair behind her ear and smiled beseechingly. Her plump, full lips parted to show a row of crooked, yellow-white teeth and a scattering of uneven, black fillings.
"Daniel? Where are you?" Max pushed the door open with an ear-splitting creak and stepped through into a small, dark room. His deep green eyes squinted through the dim, foggy light that cast his plump, freckled face into shadow. He brushed a chubby hand against the dusty wall and wrinkled his nose at the fowl smell. "Hello?"
Setting
The next piece of essential description is setting. If you don't tell your reader what the room looks like or at least where they are, it's dull. They have nothing to visualise and your words are just that: words. Think about lighting: is the room dark or is it light? Artificial light or natural and if artificial what colour? Then, is it cold or warm? Is it stuffy? And of course, small or big? Narrow or wide, high ceiling or low? What's in the room? And describe the objects rather than just state them. An old, chipped china vase sounds much more interesting than simply a vase.
Next, think about the decorations in the room: curtains, carpet/ wood flooring, wallpaper. You don't have to mention every detail and too many could bore your readers but add at least a little description. And setting is slightly different to character description. It's best to describe the room at the beginning of the piece or upon entry. You can add more details as you go along but it makes for an excellent introductory paragraph. Here's an example:
The library was dark, lit only by the feeble shafts of moonlight that spilled through the cracks in boarded up windows. It was damp. It was cold. The sort of cold that seeped through clothes, clutching flesh with a skeletal hand. The ceiling was out of sight, somewhere high up, beyond the shadowed depths and as Charlotte approached the rows of old, crumbling bookcases, her footsteps echoed: thud thud thud. She shuffled more quietly, scared to disturb the cobwebs of the past. There were many books to search and her eyes began to feel sore as she strained to read each spine.
Characterization
But wait, I've already covered characters haven't I? No, not quite. Characters have to be deeper than their surface appearances. A character's personality and emotions can be shown through the way they speak, through the way they move and through many little, imperceivable actions. When they're nervous, they might bite their lip. When they're happy they might smile or laugh. If they're a neat person, it might be seen through their clothes or they might brush a little dust from their clothes. If they're vain, they might pause at a mirror to smile at themselves. Think about who your character is and show your reader.
More than one sense!
This is the point I iterate most often and it is a common mistake I see. When writing, people seem to forget just how many senses there are to be taken into consideration. I'll tell you now: there are five.
Sight: What can your narrator see? I don't think there's any need for me to go into more detail for this one.
Sound: What can they hear? Is there music in the distance? The sound of a tap dripping or a stream flowing? Does the person they're talking with have an interesting accent? Is a fly buzzing around the room, the echo of footsteps, the tap tap tapping of keys?
Smell: Is something burning? Is there the smell of sweat or sweet perfume? The smell of sewage or fresh air? Can flowers be smelled or oil or alcohol?
Touch: When your person picks an object up, how does it feel? If they brush against another person, can they feel the heat of that person's body. Is the object smooth or rough? What material is it? Is it squidgy or hard? Cold or warm?
Taste: This is the hardest to include but remember you can be metaphorical: is there the taste of tension in the air? Does the air taste of pollution or the ocean? If your character eats or drinks, how does the food taste? Is the water refreshing or is it warm; revolting.
_________________________________
That's it for now but if you need more help, another critique or simply feel like a chat, don't be afraid to pm me. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
Hey there, apparently I'm here to give you a little advice on description but before that, here's the line by line:
Alright, now lecture time =) My main criticism of this piece is that there's no visual aid for your reader. There's no setting description or character description or anything. There's just no atmosphere to it so it feels a little flat and dull. But have no fear, it can be fixed.
The Basics
You need to describe your characters. Some people tell their readers the eye and hair colour and that's fine but don't stop there. You need to make these characters so real that your reader can see them too, can hear them and even smell them. A reader can't relate to a character if they have no idea what that character looks like. So first, decide...
________________________
Drat. I've got to go. I'll finish this soon though xx
Hello! I'm Jen/Jelly/JFW/1415/whatever you'd like to call me. I was browsing through the forums and saw that this only had one critique and, while it looks like a good one, you can always use more than one perceptive.
First things first: go read the rules. You need to make two critiques before posting a story, which you did not do. Because of that, I'm assuming you didn't read any of them, so I'll just link you. Right here.
Nit-Picks
Add a period, and don't start with 'and.' Sometimes it works, but not here.
How about 'just'?
Not many adults say 'undone.'
Who's the magpie?
Overall Comments
Hm… let's see if I can break this down for you.
Atmosphere
What are the first things you notice when you enter a room? Indoors/outdoors. Lighting. Occupants. Sound level. Temperature. Crowded or not. Tiny space or big. Etc. Right? That's the stuff you need. Whatever you want the tone to be, show it, and let us decide on the details ourselves.
Boring
Honestly – why do I care about any of this? Sure, if you fix up the other stuff it could be kind of interesting. But try not to show the most unimportant details, okay? This is the fist paragraph – hook us!
Breaks
When you have a big break in time or they change places without showing the traveling, then you need a break of –s or *s, an odd amount, typically three or five. Here, you would need it when she goes to rehearsal.
Dialogue
Read your dialogue out loud. It will make it much more realistic. For example, you said 'he is' once, when it sounded awkward and 'he's' would sound better. (But I'll let you try to find them.)
Details
You pretty much have none. This is kind of self-explanatory, and I asked kitty15 (a description queen) to critique this, so I think you'll get the good lecture from her, 'cause I'm bad at that lecture. XD>
Lazy
It's very obvious that you didn't look this over, which is NOT good on YWS. Edit this for at least grammar and spelling immediately and edit your first post, and please proof-read before posting your next one. I don't mind helping people, but I don't like adding a period to every other sentence.
PM me for anything at all, okay?
~JFW1415
Try: "I lifted my eyes from the computer screen and looked at Jack when he passed by. I didn't understand why he liked to call me after what it said on my shirt."
Why: If you're starting a sentence with 'and', chances are it's part of another sentence and should be spliced to it with a comma, like I did. Then the part that starts with "I didn't.." needs to be seperated so the reader knows where to pause. A comma or period would have worked, I picked a period.
Try: Heidi asked and gave me a look as if to say "fast before the teacher comes".
You missed the period at the end, in both.
Since this is someone talking, this is fine. But I would have written "...Illustrator. You should have done it in Indesign."
Also, you missed another period.
Why is there a quote after "Chris"? The dialogue isn't over.
(add comma)
If you ever find yourself using ellipses (...), try seperating the dialogue instead.
Try: "It looks good," He inspected the computer screen "You could make one version where the heading is light, but otherwise you (did) a very good job Christina(period) (no and) When you are done you can work some other stuff that you haven't finished"
The word "Undone" means "to reverse an action", which isn't what you mean here.
Period.
Try: "I changed the font to light,(comma) saved,(comma) and opened a photo off my friends wearing some clothes from the eighties for our play."
Practise proper comma use.
Also avoid using numbers (eighties instead of 80's) in literature.
I saw jack watching my computer screen. (No 'on')
There should be periods at the end of all of these (that aren't questions)
Try: “Jack, you are supposed to be watching Eric’s pictures over here, (comma) let Christina work on her project(period)”
1)Jack was IN the final grade
2)He was trying to get INTO the most prestigous graphic design school (in the area) after his graduation.(period) Everyone knew that he would be accepted.
I turned my head and looked at Heidi. The direction isn't important, and adds weight to the sentence.
Periods at the end of everything.
comments in quote.
This sentence doesn't fit. Try not to ask the reader questions when you don't have to.
Try: I don't know why the other girls seemed to have such a problem with me."
Or Something, but not a question.
Try: "None of them wanted to be my friend."
Either lose the "and", or comma splice it with the sentence before.
Try: I was sure they were talking something about me.
Or: I looked after she walked over to Georgina and Fanny, I was sure they were talking something about me.
Either way, the 'and' is unnecessary.
The ending was intriguing, not bad at all.
Have another go at it and I'll be sure to check it.