i knocked this together in about 20minutes a few months ago
i like it i suppose, what do you guys think?
I had a vision and the walls were falling,
In a small room with no light and no air.
Im being tortured for everything i havent done wrong,
So like millions before me i felt the life was leaving,
Only for the foundations to crumble and an angel saved me.
She took me to a place that only shattered when i hit the ground,
At a million miles an hour my body was broken.
I was left to rot like those six feet under,
Above me a legacy of what i hadnt acheived.
In my pit i sat I tried to remember ,
The last person i saw, the last thing i said.
That name. i love you. I only wish i meant it,
So i sat up and counted all the stars in the sky,
Its never so romantic when theres clouds about.
The fact im alive is a miracle, i must be a God,
or maybe it was all just a dream.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Yes, it is rather vague, rather cliched, and not wholly original... I do like the beginning and I think you have a good thing going--it just takes more than twenty minutes and probably more thought-process than a "knocking" together.
Best of luck,
-Evang.
I like how mysterious it is, I'm a little confused on the symbolism....But I think that it has a kinda repentance to the narrator, like he's been tortured by some sin and now he's forgiven, that was my take on it.