(FYI: I'm a horrible poet)
Dead Already
Brown grass, bare trees,
Similar to me.
Empty bucket, black holes,
I just want to know.
Am I dead already?
How'd my life end so quickly,
within the blink of an eye.
A few year's is all it took,
I want to know why.
With just one simple taste,
You're all I've ever loved,
dreamt, wanted, desired.
I love you more than life itself,
my whole life gone to waste.
But now I've closed the book.
My chapter's nearly over,
There isn't much to say.
Ending with no happily ever after,
because life just doesn't work that way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
The poem really isn't bad, it's actually pretty good. You use good words to express the feelings, and like some mentioned above, the imagery was pretty good. I can imagine being there.
It's really good!
The first two stanza's were great! It expresses the right feelings and I just wanted to keep on reading. But after, I kind of lost interest for the other two. Maybe use other beautiful metaphors or imagery? I don't really know but you don't need a lot of work on this one
-Truth-
Hi,
I disagree. You are not a horrible poet. The imagery in the first stanza was great, and the tone of;
"I just want to know.
Am I dead already?"
is really great.
The only change I'd make in this stanza is to change the full-stop after "know" to a semi-colon or a dash, and then give "And" a small 'a'.
I think that the subsequent stanzas are weaker because there is more direct speech from the speaker-too much telling and not enough showing;
"I love you more than life itself,
my whole life gone to waste."
These statements are rather cliche and leave little to the imagination. I'd try replacing these lines and lines such as these with images like those in the first stanza. Show the reader what you mean, suggest the speaker's pain, how it affects the way they see the world, whether there is any hint of pathetic fallacy. Try to mirror the style of the first stanza.
Hope this helps and feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.
Jas
Hello!
as it is a really good metaphor.This poem is OK, but I just feel that you could have explored the emotions a bit more and added more to it. It was really quite simple and nothing captivating or interesting really happened. I understand that you were just trying to be really descriptive but because the description wasn't great, there needed to be something else happening to grip your readers.
My favourite line was
In the last few lines it kind of got repetitive and you ditched using imagery which meant I wasn't as interested and it was easy to predict what going to be said which is a big no, no in poetry.
I liked you ideas and the title was really good (it was what made me pick this poem
Hope I helped and good luck with you future poems, Blossom
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