Young Writers Society

Hello hello and happy RevMo! I apologize that I haven't read the previous chapters of this piece, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole.

This is a very intriguing chapter. I can tell you've spent some time setting up this plot and thinking about what clues you're going to give us when. That's awesome. This chapter does a really nice job building suspense - we have this new predicament (Serena didn't make it home) and a new challenge because no one seems to know where she is or how to help. I don't know Serena because I'm coming into this story late, but I feel nervous for her. I hope they're able to figure something out, but this chapter also has a bit of a helpless tone. Like Serena is gone and it will be next to impossible to get her back.

The writing itself is good. I appreciated that you set the stage and showed us what was happening in the scene rather than telling. I thought it was really nice that you included action and description and how this MC is feeling as he's talking to Maria on the phone. Not only does it make it feel more authentic, but it also creates an atmosphere and adds to the suspense.

I thought this paragraph could be expanded:

I felt the hair standing up on the back of my neck. I had been too quick to dismiss what had happened and there wasn’t much I could do about it now. I felt ashamed; I told Maria that the blow to my head had considerably rendered me powerless and I couldn’t have started to look for her friend in the morning. I wasn’t going to tell her how my instincts had failed me and how badly I had needed to sleep in order to sober up. Maria’s hopes were dangling by a thin thread and the last thing I needed was her trust in me to hang in the same manner.

Little did I know, it also was the last pair I would ever use.

I rolled up the collar of my jacket and slid in through the packed sidewalk.

Hello, mihaivisan! Well done with your novel chapter here! Your writing is solid and concise, and you do a good job of describing each scene from start to finish. I admire the level of detail that you provide - you manage to help picture Law (whose name seems appropriate) clearly, by demonstrating his activities, involvement in what is clearly a potentially dramatic case, and his sensibility when it comes to his concern over jumping into this latest issue (which, as I've noted, is oddly smart of him, and helps depict him as a little less than utterly heroic. Perhaps that's for the better, since he lies on the grounds that he doesn't want to jump into a situation in which he's outgunned). Here, he seems to be a devoted, yet pragmatic individual, who is the midst of something he'd rather not be in, but has little choice to avoid it. In this fashion, you craft a solid and complex character without going overboard in details, simply by describing some of his emotions and sensations, among them forgetfulness, dismay, and seriousness. So, I appreciate your characterization and skills when it comes to developing the plot of your story

Beyond that, the plot of this chapter was fantastic. The sense of mystery and urgency that you provide surrounding Mrs. Crane is wonderful, especially when her friend began to become agitated and frustrated. After all, it does seem like she, and her friend, are in a hopeless situation, and the Law (get it? ) is the only one who can help her now. However, given the way you provided a foreboding ending statement, I cannot assume things will turn out well for him. Honestly, now I'm curious to see what exactly is going to happen to him - will he die? Will he vanish? What will happen to him, and how will he deal with? Knowing that the story is just beginning, I'm excited to see how the plot and setting might expand greatly, as this brief sentences seems to communicate. Regardless, the pacing of this story is wonderful, as is my ease of an ability to slip into this narrative and quickly discern what is happening and the importance of it. Even mundane activities, when combined with questions and concerns that grab the audience's attention, and, of course, the eerie message accompanying them, are dramatic and fascinating.

Thus, all in all, great job! This is a solid chapter, with a good character development and plot, and I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. Personally, I think it would be more appropriate to include your statement "Little did I know...", or at least some other dark hint, at the very end of the chapter. That way, the full weight of your implications can catch the reader off guard, and leave them incredibly curious to read the next chapter. Yep, it might be a little cliche, but it does work. Nevertheless, great job! Thanks for this great story!

Hello!

Thomas here.

Since i haven't actually read your previous one's (I shall do that now, though!) it was really easy to pick up (As stated by Dracula below, too ) Nicely done.

I must say, this was a very easy read. My eyes glided through it like a knife to butter. Very impressive.
Cant see anything major wrong with it, nor minor. Not that i have a super critical eye.

I look forward to reading the next chapter/part!

Happy writing.

Thomas

Hey there, mihaivisan! I'm curious to know, are these 'parts' actually chapters? Or is this story a novella which you've split into different parts for ease of reviewing? Not that it really makes any difference, I'm just curious.

The first paragraph contained a great amount of 'here's what you missed' information. I was able to jump straight into the story since you told me exactly what I needed to know, that he'd been sleeping on the couch and was now being awoken by a phone.

Her voice was soft and tainted with the slightest hint of panic.
So is the language she uses in her speech! You've written your dialogue extremely well; each of the characters have their own distinct voices and that made this really enjoyable to read.

I told Maria that the blow to my head had considerably rendered me powerless and I couldn’t have started to look for her friend in the morning.
This sentence is a little awkward to read, I suggest you reword it. Some changes I would make are rendered me considerably powerless and look for her friend this morning.

Lets meet this afternoon, after my shift ends; we’ll put our heads together and see what we can come up with.
Let's needs that extra bit of punctuation.

Nitpicks aside, there's nothing major that you need to fix, in my opinion. I enjoyed reading this.