When I feel like giving up, I remember why I kept holding on in the past.
My best friend. His name. His hair. His eyes. His calm gentle voice, soothing me to sleep over the phone. His way of sending me flowers in large boutiques in the middle of math class. The many sleepovers we've had, were we stay up all night, watching sad romance movies. He'd whisper in my ear, the way he always did, and say "I love you."
I swore to myself, at his funeral, that I would look at a picture of him everyday, and tell my feelings to it. That's what he wanted me to do. He told me in the hospital. I remember like it was yesterday. But that was 2 years ago. I've lost the photo and I haven't watched a sad romance movie in ages. I felt my world falling apart. People telling me to the brave, and I tried, hell, I tried so hard I could almost break...well, I was breaking inside.
My dog. She had the most golden fur, it was silky soft, and always shiny. I remember how she used to nuzzle her nose next to my shoulder and whine softly, as if she was crying with me. She would come lie beside me at night, and lick away the tears that fell from my eyes. I named her after my favorite book, and when I left it lying around the house, she would bring it to me.
It was summertime, and I was outside, not paying attention. I was babysitting my cousins when it happened. The loud, 'screech'. Her fur was no longer beautifully golden, now a dark crimson. The children were horrified, but not as much as me. Sure, she might haven been a dog, but she was my life, my friend. My mother offered to buy me a new dog, that week actually, but I pushed her away and locked myself in my room. No one can replace a friend.
My sister lives in Japan. I haven't seen her since I was 9. It's been 6 years since I've last seen my sister. I look at pictures of her all the time. She sends me postcards with nice sayings on them, but I don't read them, they go into the trash. My parents say we look the same, almost like twins. They tell me stories of us. She would come in my room at night and read me stories from my favorite fairytale novel.
We would act out the story sometimes, and I'd be the princess while my sister would be the prince, sweeping me off my feet like a real gentleman. When my sister left home I felt heartbroken. The lights never turned back on in my heart. I'd stay up late, swimming around a paper sword with tears coming out of my eyes. When you lose family, nothing's ever the same.
I feel broken. I'm bullied at school, by people who called themselves my friends. They annoy me, saying that I killed him, and I pushed her into the road and I was such a disgrace so she left home. It wasn't fair though. I had done nothing. I don't have many friends. I have a few. Yet it seems like everyone knows me. Is it the bleached hair? The dark makeup? The fake tattoos that everyone thinks are real? Probably. It's the only way I can express myself. I've transferred schools twice, and both times they story of my past has begun to appear at them. The kids turn their backs on me, writing nasty things on my FaceBook page. That's why I deleted it.
But I won't give up. I'm holding onto the edge with my fingertips, but I'm not going to vanish into the night.
"You're a rose, Jeanie," he'd tell me, hugging my shoulder tightly. "And a rose like you, only blooms at midnight."
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.
This was good. The MC's emotion, her heartbreak and sadness, was very real and palpable. The paragraphs about her dog really struck a cord with me, as a dog owner. Everything flowed together nicely. Your choice of wording was good, sad and dramatic, perfect for the somber mood of the piece.
The last line was also perfect. It ended everything in a sadly beautiful, haunting way. Very nice.
It was well-written, and as I said, the emotion came through loud and clear. I could feel the MC's pain. The way you described everything—in particular, her dog—was very nice, not overwhelming but enough to put a picture in the reader's mind.
It was so very realistic and heartbreaking. Nice job.
Nitpicks:
A boutique is a store. I believe you meant bouquet?
I would write this as:
'The loud screech of tires.'
This part's a bit confusing. Maybe try:
'They say that I killed my friend, that I pushed my dog into the road, and I was such a disgrace that my sister left home.'
Something like that.
The story of my past, not they. And I would change "begun to appear at them" to "circulated through the halls," something like that. So it'll be smoother.
Otherwise, really great work. Keep it up!
Hello there!
We'll start off with the nitpicks.
You mean where.
In literature, any number below ten is normally spelt out. So you should replace 2 with two. But that is up to you. Personally, I would spell it out.
I think you mean People are telling me to be brave, right?
This is rather false, since I have had many times in life when I've lost a friend and they were replaced by someone better. Perhaps use a different way to show the reader that the dog was more than special to the narrator? Something more accurate, and metaphoric.
You need to replace the comma after "them" with a semicolon.
You need a comma after "home."
You don't need that comma. The sentence flows better without it.
Okay, so now that the grammar nitpicks are out of the way, I can move on to the plot itself.
You confused me. When you brought in the sister, you used present tense, therefore making me believe that she is alive. Then in the following paragraphs, you say that she was killed in a car crash. Which is it? Is she alive or dead? Go back, edit that part, and make it more clear to the reader about her fate.
Your description falls flat in the beginning, when you describe the boy's hair and eyes and whatnot. You actually don't even describe them, you just mention how wonderful they are to the narrator. I'll be honest, I don't care how the narrator sees him. I want to see him. Describe him to me, so I can see him how the narrator sees him. I want to fall in love with him too.
I feel like this overall lacks emotion. It was wonderfully written, with nice metaphors and clear transitions, but there was definitely no connection between the story, the characters, and myself. I felt nothing when you mentioned the deaths of her sister(?) and her lover. I suggest you work better at making your words stronger and creating more of an impact on the reader. Leave us breathless as you deliver shocking blows. Make us cry.
Overall, though, I liked it a lot. Especially the ending; you ended this on a wonderful note, with that metaphor. This was beautiful, and while it could be improved, it still was a pleasure to read and very well written.
Take care! ~Iggy
I just want to point something out: this is about my life and I don't care one bit if you don't have any connection with this story. This happened to me, not you but me. You don't need to fall in love with my friends. I'm really not trying to be mean, I just don't know how else to put it. Secondly, my dog got hit by a car, and kids at school say I pushed her. I guess it was sort of confusing since I had two girl characters in the story. Thank you for the compliments though.
Hi there. Review for you!
First, I really liked this narrative and I like the way it was laid out. Rather than being just a flat narration where the narrator is just telling you what's happened, you did a great job of pulling me into her world and really making it seem like these were the candid thoughts of the narrator. I found it very interesting that this began on a pretty dark tone and then became even darker and darker as the story progressed, all culminating in the awesome last line there.
What impressed me most about this was the diction and the way you gave the narrator her own unique voice. Often with stories about heartache and loss, the same generic patterns emerge from characters, but the interesting diction and syntax here keeps the mood feeling fresh while maintaining the dark tone.
Another thing that I loved about this story was that it wasn't one of those stories where you could just side completely with the narrator and not have any sort of issues with them. You did a nice job making the character seem flawed and realistic. Rather than doing so by simply stating these flaws, you achieved this through the narrator's accounts of the losses she has suffered. Often when a character suffers the loss of a significant other, the knee-jerk reaction is to sympathize with them. Here, however, the reader is pushed towards a more critical perception of the narrator. The fact that the narrator says that there are times "When she feels like giving up..." in the very first sentence and that the only way she can keep from feeling this way is to "keep holding onto the past" gives rise to some questions within the reader. This makes us question not only the emotional stability of the narrator, but also her better judgement. The fact that she is still not over this loss and is unable to look towards the future or to enjoy the present because of her longing for the past is indicative of some deeper self-purpose issue. Many people suffer from grief, but often they are able to move forward and to still enjoy living. This doesn't seem to be the case here. It's also alarming to a reader that her deceased partner wanted her to "look at a picture of him everyday and tell her feelings to it." In a way, this paints a mildly sinister picture of the deceased. Rather than being a source of consolation for her, his picture acts as a haunting force reminiscent of her sorrows. Same with the photographs of she and her sister. Nice job communicating the deeper meanings here.
In the same turn, the narrator's description of what she suffers at school are truly gut-wrenching. You did a nice job conveying the facts there, but it would've been nice to see more of the reactionary phase from the narrator here. She describes the other kids as "annoying", etc. but that part doesn't seem to possess the same emotional depth as the rest of the narrative. Other than that, I can't find much else to harp on, as I'm more of a thematic reviewer than a grammatical one.
Overall, good job. Just expand the last full paragraph a little bit more.
One phrase to describe this work? Nostalgia Kills.
Hope this helped.
Aw. Thank you. That last bit you added, that helped a lot. Thank you again