I can't believe I gave you up. I never thought I'd be the one to letting go. The feeling you gave me was unlike anything else. You were my only friend to turn to when my world came plummeting down. You showed a part of me once hidden from myself. The fear of you sent adrenaline rushing and set the emptiness alight. Just a kiss across my skin was all it took to hook me to your ease. Your twisted means of love and comfort etched for all to see. I know you were no good for me, but sometimes still in these lonely nights I cry out for you. God I miss you so. I long to feel your coolness against me, working your solace through to my broken soul. A want, but no longer a need. When I hear your bittersweet whispers floating through my mind you are not the one in control. You are powerless, you are weak. I am strong.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Wow this was short compared to what you gave me a review for...I'll do my best to give you the best review that I can.
I might consider revising the following statements:
*You were my only friend to turn to* this doesn't seem to roll off of the tongue properly you might try looking it over and trying something like "You were my only friend I could turn to" or "You are the only one I could turn to." Just something to think about.
To hook me at your ease? What does this mean? You might want to consider revising this statement so that it makes more since.
Coolness....I don't know how that would work...I suppose it could but humans are warm blooded so it would make more since for I long to feel your warmth beside me. It just struck me as odd and kind of pulled me out of the paragraph a little bit.
Those are my three constructive critiques. Now for the positive. It has great content all in all and readers can connect with the paragraph well. It is so personal it almost seems like you wrote this after breaking up with your boyfriend. The you are powerless, you are weak. I am strong is a great way to end it. I almost feel like you could maybe insert a little bit more in the paragraph that would help lead to this statement because It's a really nice strong phrase but it seems a little abrupt. It's a great emotional dramatic poem. Great writing! Also I apologize if this review is not up to standards I've never reviewed poetry before but I hope this helps you!
I liked the mystery in this, wondering who "I" is and who "you" is. Nice and short is what describes this piece, even the sentences which is good because the flow seemed like water, ya know, flowy. I like how you started this with "I" being in question with their decision and then ending this with them coming to a conclusion. Nicely done.
Okay, nice work!
"I'm thinking right now however that this is more of a poetry narrative or a novel's intro. I feel like it should be in verses, it reads like that! But your grammar and spelling are good, and your word choice is quite. . . . interesting.
The idea is well put across, it makes me think that it's about a girl/woman getting over her true love (true I think) and feeling pretty amazed about it! An accomplishment.
I don't get the last two pieces,"
It makes me get a feeling like the guy wasn't true love, that he was some kind of whimp. . . . Weak, soft, unable to handle life. . . .
But! Good work!
Keep it up!
~Black~
Thank you for actually taking the time and giving me some good feedback, and though I originally wrote it as flash fiction I agree with your idea it should be narrative poetry.
Its funny you mention my word choice as interesting, I'm wondering if you mean that in a good or bad way?
Also I feel as you are most likely the only person who is ever going to read this this I feel you should know the truth. This is about a true love, however not a human one. Once upon a time I was depressed and was in to stupid things like cutting myself. This is a love note I wrote to my razor during my recovery period so I would remember my feelings then in contrast to now. Just thought I'd let you know so you know I'm not beating up some poor guy through writing.
Thanks again!