The first day of our 'relationship' was perfect. Absolutely, incredibly, one hundred percent perfect! We chatted and got to know each other a little better and flirted a bit. Some people congratulated me and others just smiled. I ignored the girls who looked disgusted. They were jealous. That's all it was. Jealousy. Pure, cold-blooded jealousy. Everything had gone great the first day. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing could go wrong. Or so I thought....
We 'hung out' mainly at lunch or during his basketball games. We also had four out of five classes together. Everything except Choir. Of course. What jock wants to sing with a bunch of girlie girls?
The happiest point of our 'relationship' in the first couple of weeks was our first hug. This would be my first actual hug from anyone besides my family and the occasional parents best friend whom you call 'auntie whats her name?' or 'uncle who is this again?'. I still remember it like it was yesterday...
It was like a dream. One of those misty dreams that you can't quite grasp but you know that they're wonderful and you wish you would never have to wake up and face the cold reality of life. His shirt was clean and silky. He had just finished his basketball game. He smelt of something clean that I couldn't place. Perhaps it was shaving cream? I don't know. The sad thing about it was that my head barely reached his shoulder. He's 6 ft even whereas I'm a mere 5 ft. Curse my short parents...
Something that bugged me was the fact that everyone kept asking if we had kissed yet. This action was something I hadn't even thought about. I couldn't care less about exchanging saliva. I was still debating whether or not the hug was appropriate, much less an actual... kiss...
Besides, I decided, I wasn't going to kiss someone just to kiss them. It had to be a very special and meaningful moment. Although, even if he wanted to kiss me, I didn't quite know if I would want to kiss him back. Something about mashing faces together just didn't hit me as 'romantic' or even pleasurable.
----
Two weeks into the whole deal, I found myself lying in bed one night when he began to text me. We had a usual flirty conversation. Me telling him that I was watching sponge bob with my little sister and him sending me a smiley face and calling me a little kid. At the end of the conversation he proceeded to tell me something remarkable about the way he felt. He simply said, "I love you." Naturally, this began a whole new conversation on the probability of him actually 'loving me'.
"Do u rely luv me?"
"Yes"
"Are you sure? That's huge..."
"i mean every word."
"i dont believe it."
"well, believe it."
"wow. idk wat 2 say."
"i luv you, gud nite."
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him I loved him back... I didn't love him. Hard as I tried, I just didn't love him.
Shockingly, he never mentioned the fact that I never told him I loved him back. He was never jealous when I talked to my guy friends. He was never obsessive, never nosy. He always gave me space and time when I needed it but was there when I needed him to be. How could anything be wrong? Apparently... It was easy.
----
Slowly, I started to realize his flaws. I noticed his apparent love to throw paper balls at me during class. His obsession with insults. The joy he found in terrorizing little children. His freedom with foul language.
How could all of this gone unnoticed?
Something had to change.
I ignored most of it for quite some time. I convinced myself that his sweet and gentle side was worth it. It was worth the bad side. Oh, how wrong I was...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Cute…but sad. Too bad that her dream boy isn’t what she thought…
Wow, two weeks into the relationship and he confesses his undeniable love for her. What a conversation starter that is! lol
I do think that you could somehow slow that down as well. Everything is speeding by me and I am struggling to catch up. Slow the tempo and everything will be great.
Also, detail is another big thing. You keep TELLING. I want SHOWING. And EMOTIONS. What is she feeling at this moment?? We have a general idea but I want more! Show me and make me FEEL for your MC.
Otherwise, you will definitely will have to PM me when you post more! I would love to know what conspires between these two...
Nice! Just as good as the last chapter! And you managed to maintain the same topic and atmosphere, which always seems to be the hardest thing for me...
I still give this a 9/10; I wouldn't change anything about it, though. I certainly hope you continue with more of this! It really is good! 0(o.o)0
This chapter is better than the first one. Kudos!
The biggest problem that I saw in this piece was that there was a lot of telling about what the MC thinks, where the reader would benefit from more action and description. It's hard to do, because as a writer, you want to describe everything your character thinks, especially when you're writing in the first person. It is important to learn how to incorporate action and description in with the first person narration, though; it keeps the reader interested.
Second: At first, I liked how you used the short, incomplete sentences, like "Jealousy. Pure, cold-blooded jealousy." It's a nice break for the reader, but, it must be used in moderation. In my opinion, you threw these sentences in just a wee bit too much. It makes the reading choppy, and instead of the short sentence being brilliant, they become tiresome. So, I would recommend that you take about half of them out; that will help you keep these refreshing sentences special.
You're story telling skills are improving! Keep having fun with this story!
River
Much better chapter! Yay, you're now explaining the title of the story!!!
Yay, I'm so proud of you! You have improved some on your writing! This is a much better chapter than last.
I love your descriptions and explanations.
Keep writing!
Becca
I think it's always better to use words in stories so 100% would be one hundred percent. That's just a personal preference really. A good opening. Nothing really stands out to grab my attention and make me want to read further though.
Again, words are better than numbers. Would you really say a 'ton of girlie girls?' I think a 'bunch of girlie girls' would be more appropriate.
I like to call this waffling. Do we really need to know about her parents best friends? Wouldn't she just say 'my first real hug from a boy I liked?'
Could care less means you do somewhat care. Couldn't care less on the other hand means you don't care at all, and therefore can't care less.
This bit's a little strange. I think it would be better if you put the texts in italics to differentiate them from actual dialogue. Also, use 'chat speak' throughout and don't just add it in at the end. I capitalised the first letter of each of them because your phone does that for you anyway. Plus, it's better looking.
Hmm...That last bit is annoying me. You answer 'How could anything be wrong' with 'It was easy.' It's just not right sounding. Try saying 'It could easily be wrong.'
You need to come up with some more original way to end with instead of 'oh, how wrong I was...' and 'or so I thought...' You're overusing ellipsis. Keep it unique and fresh. It seems to be a very familiar formula: naive young girl + jerk. There's just nothing different about it so far.
I'm going to leave it here and wait for the next chapter to see what happens. Feel free to PM me and good luck!
Interesting. What is she going to do next? is she going to say some about it or is she just going to let it? Don't let her ingore it. He's a jerk and she deserve better than him. anyways, great job. Keep up the good job.
Ciao
Ahh! Next chapter is a must to this story! You are a quite talented writer. Did this happen to you? The use of description was awesome. I especailly like the 'mashing face' bit that you threw into it. Nice.