Published December 17, 2011
There was an ear-splitting scream, as I tumbled to the ground holding my hands to my chest trying to stop the blood. I heard the distant echo of my knees hitting the wooden floorboards and the sound of my jaw breaking as it hit the ground, sending a quiver through me. The pain was unbearable and simply incomprehensible. It felt as if hell itself were licking at my skin with the screeching of millions of dammed souls within my head; tearing at my skull. I could hear my breathing and feel my hearts’ palpitating beats slow down as the darkness gradually drew closer and closer, pulling me in with its spindly, fingers. I frantically clawed at the light, and at my heart to continue beating but I felt my body shutting down, as if I were a machine that was being unplugged. I knew it was inevitable; I had already lost control over my body. I was scrawled in the most peculiar position across the floorboards, gazing into the blank and lifeless eyes of my dead son. Nothing else mattered; I was dead as of that minute.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hey midnightsky,
I'm definitely intrigued by this piece - as a standalone, it raises a handful of questions, and if you're intending to make it part of something longer, it would be good as a hook. That said, I've got a couple of suggestions for improving it.
Firstly, to make writing interesting, it helps to vary sentence length and structure, and match them to the mood. For example, it's good to mix short, snappy sentences with long complex ones, for variety; it's also good to use sentence length to help with pacing. In a dramatic, high-speed scene like this, I'd be tempted to suggest using a few more short, snappy sentences, to help convey the mood - you've got a few sentences here that could be split up for more impact. Similarly with paragraph breaks - there is no right length for a paragraph, and you can have line breaks after just one line, or after a whole block of them.
I have to say, I like the image of "hell itself ... licking at my skin" - that's one I've not heard before, and it deserves to shine out here - definitely hold onto images like this.
When you rewrite, I'd suggest paying special attention to the words you pick and how they feel. Perhaps try saying the sentences out loud, and thinking about what they make you think of. For example, "palpitating", to me, has a slightly medical feel to it - I'd be tempted to use something like "pulsing" or "fluttering".
Finally, I'd make one suggestion about the title/last sentence: for these, you ideally want something short and punchy. My personal opinion would be to put "dead from that minute/moment", to maximise punchiness.
As I said, you've got me asking questions about the story behind this scene. I hope my suggestions help you to make it even better!
Heya midnightsky =] Love your username, by the way!
This is very good piece of descriptive writing and I love how you create so much emotion. I really feel for your character. There are just one or two things that need to be altered to make this even better, though (as there always is =]) :
I think you should make this into two sentences so your writing makes more of an impact. Put the fullstop so it replaces the comma.
I absoloutley love your description here. It's so original and paints such a fantastic picture! =]
This sentence doesn't quite make sense. You need to rearrange it a little bit and add and take a few words to sort it out.
This has sort of confused me. You haven't mentioned a son before so it seems a bit odd in such a short descriptive piece to mention him right at the end.
This is really great, but I'm wondering if this is just a descriptive piece or is actually a part of a story. If it is part of a story you need to lay back on the description. Writers can kill there stories if they over use description. But if it is just a descriptive piece then the description is brilliant! If you have any queries feel free to PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x