I hope you like this. This post is a lot longer than the Prologue. I would like feed back as then I can make it better.
5 Days Later
Chapter 1
The animal’s glowing eyes watched me through the bushes. I stood, still as stone, watching, waiting for the animal behind the eyes to come out and strike. As I stood there, I saw the animal come out from the bushes. I stared, it was unlike anything I had ever seen before, and I had seen a lot of strange things, hunting with my father. It looked like a wolf, but instead of having the grey or black fur that was common around here, it had fur the colour of the wood around it.
“What are you?” I said, talking to myself rather than the beast, staring into its eyes.
“I am Uri.”
I started. “You can talk.”
“I’m not a dumb beast,” it replied, looking hurt.
“Then what are you?” I asked stepping forward, reaching toward it.
“I am a Child of the…”
“Ulrica, where are you?” I heard my father shout through the trees.
I turned to where the voice was coming from, I heard him shout again, “Ulrica, where are you?”
I turned back to where Uri was standing. He had gone. I could see from the way the leaves on the bushes where bent which way he had gone. I shouted after him, “A Child of what?”
“Who are you talking to?”
I tuned around again, and came face to face with my father. “I said Ulrica, who where you talking to?”
I just stared at him, I blinked, “No one father. I was just talking to the forest.”
“You are one weird child, Ulrica, I’ve known that since the day you were born. Now, lets get back to the village.”
“You caught something?” I asked.
“No. there’s nothing about. I haven’t seen or heard any thing since we got here. Well, apart from you talking to the trees.” He smiled. “We’ll try again tomorrow. Now lets go.”
He turned and walked back the way he had come. I followed him and after awhile we made it back to the village.
“Well, well. Look what the saber tooth dragged in,” a voice said from behind me.
I turned and saw, “Dog.”
“Don’t call me that, my name is Caleb.”
“Oh I know that, but your name means dog,” I said smiling, “And what do you mean by look at what the saber tooth dragged in?”
“Exactly what I said. You think you’re so high and mighty, getting to go hunting with the men, while the rest of the women stay here and cook and clean.”
“You’re only jealous since you’re not allowed to go,” I laughed, “You can’t shoot in a straight line to save your life.”
“Be quite. I can shot in a straight line. Besides, at least my name doesn’t mean wolf power,” he smiled, “Wolf power, what a meaningless name.”
“My name may be meaning less to you but Orson Name Giver gave it to me and I think that the one he gave you was perfect. Dog, an animal that follows his master,” I laughed again.
Then my father said, “Come along Ulrica, we need to go and see the Chief.”
I cast one last look at Caleb and then turned to follow my father towards the centre of the village.
When my father and I got to the Chief’s hut, my father stood in the door way and waited until a voice came from inside, “Enter Otis and tell me of your hunt.”
My father entered the hut with me close behind. “Chief Xander, I have bad news, there are no animals in the wood.”
The Chief looked up then, “No animals!? How is that possible?”
“I do not know Chief. I have not seen or heard any animals since I took Ulrica out this morning.”
The Chief then turned his attention to me, “Is this true, Ulrica, you and your father have seen no animals today.”
“Yes Chief, it is true. There was no sound of the animals feeding or hunting.”
“Then we are in trouble,” he turned away from me and my father and said, “Go and fetch Orson Name Giver.”
“Yes Chief,” a voice came from the shadows, behind where the Chief was sitting.
“Right. Otis and Ulrica, you may leave, but you must tell everyone that they are not permitted to leave the village until I have spoken to them. Understood?”
“Yes Chief,” my father replied. He turned and left. I followed after him.
When we were out of ear shot I turned to my father and asked, “Why are we not allowed to leave the village until he has spoken to us?”
“I do not know, Urica. Now don’t ask questions. Go and tell your mother we are back.” He turned and walked toward where the other men where standing. I watched him as he began to talk to the men of the village. I smiled then turned and walked towards my mothers hut.
“So then, Ulrica, what happened?” I heard Caleb say behind me.
“Great,” I said, “Here comes the dog.”
“So what happened then?” he asked coming to walk beside me.
“Not much, but no one is allowed out of the village until Chief has talked to all of us,” I carried on walking.
“Why?” Caleb asked.
“I don’t know. Leave me alone will you, go and ask my father, if you really want to know.” Caleb stopped and turned back the way we had come, “See you later,” he said.
I carried on walking toward the hut where I could see my mother standing outside.
“So what happened? I’ve heard that no one can leave the village,” she said as I went into the hut and put the bow, my father had had made for me the day I was born, on my bed. “Yes, mother, no one can leave the village until the Chief has spoken to us.”
“Why,” she asked, passing me some mint leaves to eat, “Why can no one leave the village? What happened in the wood?”
“There were no animals in the wood when father and I were hunting,” well, part from Uri I thought, “So when we got back, we told the Chief what happened and he said no one was to leave the village until he had spoken to Orson Name Giver.”
Then, as I finished talking, Caleb knocked on the hut wall, “The Chief wants to speak with everyone.”
“Thank you, Caleb,” my mother said, leaving the hut and walking to the centre of the village.
The three of us were some of the last to arrive.
“Right,” the Chief started, “Now that we are all here, I will begin. As you all know by now, this mornings’ hunt was unsuccessful, this is due to the fact that there are no animals anywhere around the village.”
One of the men then shouted from the crowd, “So why weren’t we allowed out of the village?”
“We, meaning me and Orson, believe that there is a large animal out there that is either eating the others animals or scaring them away and until we know what is out there, no one can go out into the wood.” When he had finished speaking he turned and went back into his hut.
The rest of the village turned and left, my father came over to us and then he and my mother began to walk back to our hut.
“So then, Ulrica. What you going to do now. You can’t go and hunt now, can you,” I heard Caleb’s voice from behind me.
“Be quite,” I said, scowling.
“Now look who’s annoyed. Any way, I didn’t come here to annoy you; I came to tell you that Orson Name Giver wants to see you.”
“Do you know what he wants me for?” I asked, turning towards Orson’s house.
“No. I do not,” he smiled, “But he wants to see me to.”
I felt even more confused after he said that, Caleb may be my best friend but he was useless at shooting and even worse at sword play.
We reached Orson’s hut quickly and knocked on the hut wall, “Ah, Ulrica and Caleb, come in, come in.”
We entered the hut and stood in the door way.
“Sit down, sit down,” Orson said, gesturing toward the floor, where there where piles of animal skins around the fire pit. We sat down and then Orson began to ask questions. “What did you see in the wood, Ulrica?”
“N…N…Nothing,” I replied, stunned that he seemed to know all about Uri.
“You and I both know that is untrue. Now, I will ask again, what did you see in the forest?” he asked sitting down in front of me.
“I don’t know. He never told me what he was,” I said, feeling like I had betrayed Uri.
“He. How do you know it was a he?”
“He said his name was Uri,” I said, looking at the floor.
“Uri. Are you sure he said his name was Uri?” Orson said. I thought he seemed agitated.
“Y…Yes. I’m sure he said he was called Uri, but I don’t know anything else. My father made him run off before he told me what he was, all I got was Child of the, and then he ran of,” I said.
“Child of the Moon. He was a Child of the Moon. This is not good, if he is here then something in his world has gone terribly wrong,” Orson then began pacing.
“Excuse me,” Caleb said, “But has this got to do with me?”
“Everything. It has everything to do with you,” Orson said
“What is a Child of the Moon?” I asked.
“The Children of the Moon. They come from another wood, along way away. They closely resemble our wolves but they are very different. They can speak and they are faster than anything else on the planet,” Orson said.
“So who is Uri? It sounded like you recognised the name when I said it,” I said, looking at Orson.
“I did recognise the name. I’ve knew Uri when he was born.”
“How do you know him?” Caleb asked.
I hope you liked this.
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Sorry that I havent read your prologue and anything I post here has already been fixed but here we go anyway:)
As I stood there, I saw the animal come out from the bushes. I stared, it was unlike anything I had ever seen before, and I had seen a lot of strange things, hunting with my father.
I stared, it was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I had seen a lot of strange things in my life; hunting with my father.
I started. “You can talk.”
Do you mean you stated. You could say I continued perhaps.
“Then what are you?” I asked stepping forward, reaching toward it.
Not a lot of readers like the word "it" reframe from using "it" in your vocabulary when you write.
"Then what are you?" I asked stepping forward, reaching toward the Beast (or creature)
He had gone.
Do you mean He was gone?
I tuned around again, and came face to face with my father. “I said Ulrica, who where you talking to?”
I turned around again.
You are one weird child, Ulrica,(period instead of a comma) I’ve known that since the day you were born. Now, lets get back to the village.”
“Be quite. I can shot in a straight line.
I can shoot in a straight line.
as I went into the hut and put the bow, my father had had made for me the day I was born, on my bed
I went into the hut and put the bow on my bed. My father had made it for me the day I was born.
there are no animals in the wood.”
there are no animals in the woods."
A lot of mechanics and plot errors I found. Besides the ones on top that i posted it seemed you used the word "Turned" a lot. In some cases you could of left it out. Just say something like "I walked toward the hut".
You never described what the mc or any of the villagers looked like. You could almost make this into 3 chapters if you could add more description as well as a few other things. Anyone is all one word.
Make sure you proofread by reading it by yourself checking for any mistakes and then read a loud.
The begining caught my attention but by the middle you lost me because the plot was moving way too fast.
The plot and storyline intrigued me a lot. I think you just need to fix these errors and adjust things accordingly and it can be a good chapter.
Well, I quite enjoyed this. It hooked me in well enough, and I'm interested to see where it all goes. That said, there are a couple of points that you could improve on. Jabber already picked up on character and pace, and I have to agree with her points on those.
One of the first things I noticed about this was that there was no paragraph longer than three lines, excluding the first paragraph. Also, the three line paragraphs were all mostly dialogue, except for one. The point I'm driving at here is that there isn't a whole lot of description. Try describing the woods around the village, the village itself, and the people in it. I think that ties in with what Jabber had to say about pace and easing the reader into the world.
Ask yourself questions as you're writing it to try putting yourself in the reader's place. Things like: "What do the woods sound like? Is the ground covered in undergrowth, or is Ulrica standing in a clearing? What season is it?" Answering those kind of question in a bit of detail really helps pull the reader in.
Now onto grammar.
"Animal's", not "animals". When indicating possession, i.e. the glowing eyes belonging to the animal, you need to use an apostrophe.
This should be, "instead of having the grey or black fur that was common around here", since fur is singular.
This is just correcting a typo, I know, but I think you mean "dumb", not "dump".
I think you meet "shoot". Shot is past tense.
Meaningless is one word.
Chief's. Again, indicating possession. This happens another couple of times, but I won't point it out again, since it would just get tedious. I'm sure you get the message by now.
Again, you've just mixed up your tenses here - this should read "behind where the Chief was sitting".
Were, not we're. I think that might just be a typo.
I didn't pick up on much else, and what I did see just fell into the same patterns as what I did point out. I hope this has been helpful, and I look forward to reading the next part!
-Billy
Hmm, well I am so sorry if I am mean to you but.
This story sort of hops right to the point, you need to hook the reader in more.
You need to let the reader know what is in store for them.
Overall: good work. I Shall look for more of your writing....
Hello!


I haven't read the aforesaid prologue, so forgive me if I suggest anything that's already taken care of in the prologue. ^_^ I do think this is a cool idea. I love wolves, and I also tried writing stories that had cool wolf characters like Uri or cool MCs like Ulrica. But from what I've read, I think you'll have a better chance than I did! xD In fact, after reading this, I suddenly had the urge to try writing one again. But anyway! This is about you.
Characters
From what I've read, I think each of your characters could use a bit more personality. Right now, they're just there to help the plot move along. However, making your characters more real will help keep the reader reading! Characters make the story. If they don't shine brighter than the summary on the back of the book, then what's the point?
So! Show us their quirks, their skills, their personality. What makes them a unique person to all the rest? Now, don't tell us! For example, the way you told us the meaning of their names? That was very random and unsatisfying to the reader. However, if you eased that into a conversation with the Name Giver (like have him call the MC "Wolfspeaker" or something and explain? I dunno), it would seem more natural and also make it way more important to the story. If it's not important though (which, I think it's okay to not tell us the meaning of the name), then don't bother.
Then Caleb is supposedly her best friend. He doesn't seem like a very good friend, so she must not be a very social person. In fact, I would rather you have called them rivals, which would also be bad. Don't just tell us. Show us! Show us how they're best friends. Why do they act the way they do together?
Then the chief doesn't even need to be there. Give him more character! He's the big guy in charge. The reader wants to know if he's a good leader or bad leader, so show us some of his personality as well!
Pace
Playing with your characters will help you here, but still. This moves very fast, and I had a hard time keeping up. By the end of the piece, I had so many questions about what I had just read. I want to explore the village, get to know people, and not feel so excluded from the setting. If the Name Giver doesn't explain the wolf thing 'til chapter five, then so be it. Ease the reader into your world though. That's important for a healthy start to your story. Take your time to describe and explain things, and just have fun! It'll be like an exercise to play with your characters before moving on to the plot--the wolf.
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That's all I have! If you need anything, just let me know. I think you'll have loads of fun writing this. I can tell already!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!