Published January 14, 2010
You got that feeling again,
it's deep inside
it's not sympathy or anger
it comes when you make a joke
then the room goes quite and you get strange looks
not loneliness or sorrow
no matter how hard you try
it's still their
it comes when you know what to say
but the words wont come out
it's not jealousy or love
it comes when you look over your shoulder to say something
but no ones their to listen
you can try and describe it
try to get rid of it
nothing works
so i will keep that little feeling
you can throughout yours
but mines staying for right here for now
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
This seems a little mysterious to me, and I kind of like that. I can't exactly pinpoint one feeling to it.
Here, it sounds like maybe no one understands you. And here, it sounds like maybe you're feeling as if you're invisible.The only things I would say to fix, would be definitely grammar, as other people have said so I won't get into all that. Theres no reason to be embarrassed though, I use spell check all the time.
Overall, I thought it was a very interesting point of view.
Thanks for all the comments, as you all can tell spelling and grammar aren't my strong points :s Most of my post's aren't that great so i appreciate all suggestions i can get. Also thanks for all the warm welcomes
Always
-Midnight
Hallo!
Using "I" or a defined "you" would totally give a hand out.
To concur, the emotion is well displayed here. As a critic of stylistic devices and lesser things like that, I'd like to see this reworked a bit. It's fair -- but the reading of it is pretty boring, and if you remove all of the line breaks, I feel that you're simply describing an emotion, dear.
It's okay to do that, but this doesn't sound very poetic -- of course, there's room in poetry to just narrate things, but you can do so much more with this than you're currently doing.
Also, pay attention to where/when/how you use "I" or "You". Unless the "you" you're directing this at is a clear figure, it usually feels as if you're telling your audience how to feel, and that's not really what you want to do, because your audience needs to feel for themselves.
Hope that helps some,
June
You already have content-comments so I am going to express my nit-pickiness.
Blahh
Still 'there'
words won't
No one's there to listen
So I will...
You have a bunch of 'there' mistakes here. If you would like me to explain how to correct them or find out how to write them, PM me.
I'm sure they were just common mistakes.
Classy
Welcome to YWS.
This is a good start and has potential to be very entertaining however this has a few grammatical errors and structure errors that aren't quite ready for some of the more critical reviewers on this sight. For example, you tried to use repetition however you changed the words that you tried to repeat. Although it shows that you know your synonyms, it doesn't work very well in poetry. Also, for the grammatical errors, the only one that hasn't been pointed out is that every time you there "their", you mean to say "there". There are many of these small errors through out the poem and unfortunately, the average reader will start focusing on the mistakes rather then the fun and original ideas that come from this poem. In conclusion, I really like the topic and i would keep it, however i would try to reword the poem so the poem can put a very clear picture in the readers mind.
Don't forget that editing is key on a website with such critical reviewers as YWS.
Good Start and don't stop writing,
Mr. SpaceMan
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
The emotion is conveyed very effectively here.
I'd change "got" to "have", and add full-stops. I find it helps if I read my poems aloud, because then I can see where I need to take a breath and where I naturally pause or stop, so I can judge where full-stops go from there.
I'd make "i" capital.
but mines staying for right here for now"
is a bit unclear.
Did you mean;
"you can throw out yours"?
"Mines" should be "mine's" and I think the first "for" is a typo. If you click the edit button you can sort out these little things.
Hope this helps. I hope to read more of you in the future, and do p.m me if you have any questions or would like a poem reviewed.
Jas