Young Writers Society

Eh, I dunno if there's ever truly a poem bad enough that it can't be fixed. It might take a lot of revision, whether in the language, core ideas, or both, and the end result may only barely resemble the original, but any and all poems can be changed and made better with the right hands and the right minds. Hence, you don't need to worry so much, particularly since this poem is good.

I mean, it's not perfect. I'd like to reiterate what an earlier reviewer said in adding a comma in the second line. In the final stanza, "only a little at first" isn't directly enough related to the main train of thought that it warrants commas, and might be better implemented in dashes or parentheses. So, basically, "It began to rain -/ only a little at first -", or "It began to rain/ (only a little at first)". A comma between "then" and "before" can also improve the flow of that line. The final metaphor also doesn't make too much sense to me (even though I've always loved the sound of the word plopped), since the previous two looked like the two steps before a kiss, whereas this one appears to be focused on a joke. It might be better to describe it in terms of the sun kissing, and then weeping in joy, or something similarly suitable and sweet (as long as you keep plopped, of course. ), so the consistency of the stanzas is kept.

Still though, I love this poem. It's delightful, charming, and warm. The description of the sky blushing, and hiding it in clouds, was adorable to me, and I admire the way you interweave metaphors with the weather. Sure, it's rain, but it comes in warm weather and is outlined by the sun, so the result is, literally and otherwise, bright and refreshing. If you wanted to expand on the metaphor, you could always describe the way that the sun reflects its light on the raindrops, the enjoyment of the narrator and the other person, and perhaps even something like them dancing in the rain. As such, you can keep the cheerful and loving tone going, and add some more emotion to the piece. I'm just throwing out ideas, and you don't have to listen to them - the poem stands on its own already, and, though it might need some touching up, was great to read through. Well done, and I hope your friend likes it!

Hi there Midnight.
What a lovely idea, to give your friend such a personal birthday present - I'm sure she'd love it even if it weren't perfect because the sentiment is just super sweet.
I'm not great at poetry reviews, but I'm going to give this my best shot.

No it was more yellow-orange

Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

That's so sweet that you're writing your friend a birthday poem! I haven't read many poems to where they are dedicated to someone and I find that really interesting that you are doing it. The poem, itself, has a nice idea to it. Because you have some nice comparisons between some minor things that most people don't really think about. One thing I like about this is the description that is held within the poem between the words. Basically, when you are describing the sky or the clouds, it does seem to hold true with the theme. Your beginning is nice and opens the poem quite nicely. One thing I would suggest for this would be the first two stanzas. Dealing with the first stanza, the opening feels too open. Personally, I would say something like: 'as I was outside today/it was cloudy, but not gray'. Because you are bringing yourself into the poem and kind of relating your feelings to it if that makes sense.

the water stuck to your skin
and seemed to fill your lungs