Just to give this poem some context, I wrote the first draft around one a.m. after I had gone to a friends house. When I stepped outside, it was the beginning of a snowstorm and snow was falling lightly. I thought it was so beautiful that I went home, took out a notebook and wrote the first draft of this poem while standing in the snow. It would be cool of you guys to give me some feedback on how I could improve this poem.
Snowfall
I step outside,
And hear the silence,
The laughter and chatter of friends far behind.
Snowflakes crinkle as they land softly in my hair and on my neck,
Melting soon as they meet the warm skin.
I do not feel afraid,
As I do most nights.
I feel happy.
I feel
Alive.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello friend
I do not in all honesty enjoy reading poetry all that much, but i look at this and i like what i see. It's honest, it's real. It captures a moment and shares it with me. The context is very important in my opinion. It shows that this isn't just a song about snow, it's your song about snow. And it makes me feel as though i now know something more about the person on whose cheeks the snow falls.
Aw this comment made my day! Thank you so much for reading!
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
The poem is a pleasant read, making the reader wish that there are more lines. The structure of the poem can be improved. You could have divided it into stanzas of a particular length, instead of it being a single verse as a whole. Doing this provides a clarity to the reader, may it be the flow from one scene to the other or from emotion to another.
Melting soon as they meet the warm skin.
I do not feel afraid,
These two lines feel disjoint. Not a great concern if you are hoping for the poem to be short but otherwise you could have explained how it reached this point. Like the narrator's feelings behind this statement. Why do you not feel afraid? How is it different from other nights?
That said, the poem was good, conveying the narrator's views clearly. It has a flow that feels natural and a simplicity that can be enjoyed.
Thank you for your work and keep writing!
Yeah the only reason those lines are together is because when I tried to separate them, the site just didn't format them as two separate stanzas. (Technology really isn't my strong suit ._.)
But I completely agree with you on the fact that those two lines should be separate and that there should be more background before "I do not feel afraid".
Thank you for the review!
Hey there! I see you're new to YWS! Welcome.
I'm pretty new to poetry, but I'll try to give you the best feedback possible! It's also a fairly short poem so this review may be a bit short.
One technical thing:
I don't think "crinkle" is the right word here. It just doesn't fit (and isn't a word I would associate with snowflakes, unless a boot is crunching in deep snow maybe).
I like how the snow shows that it brings happiness to the character/person in the poem, but I feel like there's something missing to this poem. Maybe why the snow brings such joy to the character, or something more sentimental attached to the snow? It also makes me wonder why this person is afraid most nights. There's nothing wrong with short poems (some short poems pack the biggest punch!), but I think this one just needs a little extra something to it - something that stirs something more in the reader or something that connects the readers more with this character.
I do, however, enjoy the simplicity in this poem and the simpleness that is connected with the snow. I also think the flow works pretty well - it doesn't feel too choppy or disjointed and the lines do roll smoothly together.
Nice poem! Keep writing, and I hope this is helpful!
~EternalRain
Thanks! I'm also fairly new to poetry, so I'll take any help I can get!
I'll be sure to take your advice into account when I revise this poem.