The young girl huddled in the corner, nightgown torn to shreds. Long strands of blonde hair covered her horrified face. Beads of sweat trickled down and stung her eyes. A sudden flash of violet light lit up the room as the thunder boomed in the distance. she saw it creept towards her, sharp teeth sharp as razors. Hands, like talons. It came closer and closer, creeping in like fog. Suddenly, she felt cold fingers around her neck and her lungs gave out. everything turned to black. then, she saw the lights. they were glowing faintly and her body once again felt warm. a smile lit up her dead face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You need a title! "..." is not okay. If you can't can't can't think of one, not even a bad one, at least call it "Untitled."
All of these need capital letters.
This is an interesting start; it certainly kept me reading to the end. It's not a story, though. If it's a prologue, I'd like to read the rest!
I really like this alot, you've described things well.
But you need to put in capital letters.
I'm guessing this is a story? Stories don't go in the welcome section. ^^ So I'm moving it over to the "Other Fiction" place. Also, just as a note, putting ellipses in your subject line doesn't really tell anyone about your story--so you probably won't get a lot of comments! Maybe put the title, or a very short description?
Ah, well, another note. Unless this is flash fiction, it's hard for people to critique on just a paragraph. Why not give us more? In case you don't know (some people don't know) you can click the "edit" button at the top (near the top?) of your thread so you can add to it.
So, yes, moved...