Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Not a lot happens here. Feels like what could have been a fairly long story was condensed down to just this very short piece so it sounds kind of rushed how she goes from being awkward to confident just like that. Its not structured as well as it could have been and the best choice would probably have been to leave it off right around her impressions of her new classmates rather than continuing to the point that you did.
Anyway let's get right to it,
There, she saw herself looking back at her. She was an attractive 12 year old. So, she wasn't paticularly pretty. She wasn't ugly either. She looked at the reflection of herself in the mirror- high cheek bones that ascended up the side of her face and thin lips that were pressed tightly together. Plain, but decent clothes, and long shiny brown-golden hair that just hung loose down her back and gleamed in the bathroom light.
Slightly cliche opening choice using the good ol' mirror technique but nonetheless an effective description and we can visualize our main character pretty well so that's great.
She sighed. First day of her first period of her first year in middle school. The next station along the road was math class. Room 208, advanced math, with Miss Clarke who was young, perky, preppy, and nice. Just as Dawn had hoped. She had met her a week ago when it was "Meet the Teacher" Day. Now, before the class even started, Dawn knew advanced math would be her favorite subject at Ridgebrook Middle.
Getting a little bit heavy on the telling without showing here with so much narration going on...this could probably have been conveyed a lot more subtly by just showing her walking into math class and being excited for it or something along those lines rather than just dumping all of this at once.
No new friends yet, she thought. Her parents had decided to move from Ohio to New York. Suddenly, her life was flipped upside down and turned inside out. The last she remembered was waving at ther friends at the airport as her mom cried silently and her parents pulled her away from her sadness and onto the airplane.
Here the bit of information is fine. It helps us establish the context of the situation and understand what's going on by setting up the story so this is the only sort of information that you want to be putting at the start of a story.
Dawn took a seat in the third row next to the window. She wouldn't be completely bored looking out the window. Then another girl and four boys suddenly ran into as the clock ticked loudly, urging them to take their seats. Dawn eyed them carefully. The girl had shoulder length, straight black hair. No, she had not been in Dawn's class before that morning. The boys weren't familiar either. She sat next to her best friend-the blonde chick.
Pretty neat description except I'm not quite sure how Dawn knows that these two are best friends if she hasn't seen either of them before this class.
Finally the bell rang and Miss Clarke, dressed nicely in a light blue sparkly blouse and denim skirt, came into the room, high heels clicking on the clean first-day tiled floor. Large hoop earrings dangled by her face and her hair was pulled back elegantly with a clip. No bright red lipstick and that was good. Mrs. Wood, her social studies teacher had bright red lipstick that was dry and cracked, caked and plastered onto her lips that distracted everyone from their work. Miss Clarke's soft gloss was so much better. Dawn drew in a breath. A good sign so far. "Good morning class!" Miss Clarke said happily, as if she'd never want to be anywhere else. She was bright and enthusiastic and cheery.
Another great description that is establishing our cast of characters pretty well.
Dawn tried with all her effort to pay attention to Miss Clarke and math but all she wanted to do was take in Ridgebrooke Middle. Afterall, this was the start of a new life in New York City!
This line seems maybe just a bit out of the blue and affects the overall flow a bit.
She had started to loosen up as she walked down the hallway. She was building up her new, comfortable and confident stride. People always seemed to notice her. Today, people stared at her long honey colored hair and swayed like willows in the wind, and her first-day outfit. Simple, casual, preppy, and pretty, in her own way.
At the end of the day, Dawn actually felt that life in New York City and school at RidgeBrook wouldn't turn out to be so bad...
This is a nice sentiment to end on but this whole part feels like it was rushed and kind of completely deflates the tension built up earlier so it doesn't feel like much of a payoff but that's just what I think.
Aaand that's about it.
Overall: Besides that slight issue right at the very end the rest of it paced pretty well and the whole scene was written quite nicely. The flow was also great for the most part. We got the barest hint of personality from our characters so that's maybe slightly underdeveloped although honestly for a short story that's fine.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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