Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
***
Alice awakens to see a tall figure standing in the corner. A light flashes revealing it to be the Governor.
"Well hello there, sleepy head. Welcome to your new home, cell 1865. Here we will strive for you to become sane again and one day mentally fit enough for you to be set free. But for now make yourself comfortable we have lots of work to do. First I would like to say don't think of me as your warden, think of me as a friend. I'm here to help you Alice... Alice?"
Alice looks up to the Governor as he walks towards her and kneels down.
"Just remember Alice, I'm always here to help. No matter what it is."
The Governor gives Alice a friendly smile, this comforts her. Then with a slight groan of pain the Governor stands back up and walks to the door.
"Well I best be on my way"
"Why do they call you the Governor?" Alice murmurs under her breath.
"What? What was that?" The Governor turns around with a look of astonishment slapped across his face.
"Why... why do you call yourself the Governor?"
"Well it's like this... My Father was called the Warden much like my Grandfather before him. However their methods of rehabilitation were a little different to mine. They would torture their patients with harmful chemicals and force them to perform social experiments to one and other. When word got out of their ghastly actions from an ex patient, they were from then on given a bad name. So we no longer have a Warden Ravenwood but instead... the Governor."
Alice's head slightly nodded as she resumed to staring at the ground.
"Alice? Everything's going to be alright..."
And he left.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I just realized that this was in present tense. While past tense shows the person stayed alive, present tense presents the mystery of if they will stay alive. I have nothing to nitpick seeing as you are getting better at writing, also that the only thing that was probably in need of being fixed was mentioned below.
Ok, past the nitpicking festival again. Great job! I'm going to stop saying these are short because they are probably meant to be. I didn't realize a page was so short on here.
If they just change their name so they wouldn't be thought of badly, does that mean they changed their ways? That Governor could be continuing the experimentations from his most recent ancestors. Without letting Alice know of course. Keep writing!
Thanks, make sure to read the other page
Jeez, I swear these get better as you write more!
I am not seeing any issues with spelling which is great, and I'm not seeing many if none repeated words! *high fives*
There are a couple of little TINY errors with punctuation, like finishing speech with a comma, or a full stop etc.
Perhaps also change :
"mentally fit enough for you to be set free. "
to
" mentally fit enough for you to be released."
But that all depends on his character. If he's a bad character hidden by smiles and kind gestures, then I'd change it to released. But if he's an actual nice character, then keep it as it is, as "set free" implies he... understands? Hard to explain, but I hope you get it.
Also:
"When word got out of their ghastly actions from an ex patient(,) they were from then on given a bad name."
Would sound better with a comma I think!
Optional, again, so I love your work!
Very intriguing and very interesting.
Still, your characters are developing, with Alice talking to him, feels comforted by his smile, and him acting surprised, which suggests it doesn't happen often, making the reader wonder just how bad this place is.
Plus, I also like how you made him explain why he's called the Governor, and that story he told is interesting! I'm wondering if it's going to feature later on... *grin*
Can't wait for more! keep up the good work!
-CFG
Will make sure to add commas, the set free part stays the same. He does understand and is actually a nice guy.
Ahh! This will be interesting...