Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
She remained silent.
"Not a talker, eh?" asked the Governor.
"Not really, we found her in a field outside her parents house. They claimed that she attacked them with a kitchen knife of some sort while claiming that she escaped from some sort of hidden world that she called Wonderland." said one of the men while lighting a cigarette.
"Well is that so, eh. Ah anyways, follow me" the Governor performed a friendly gesture as to say hold my hand everything is going to be ok.
The two men followed on each side of Alice while the doctor remained at the Governor's side.
The group walked down a narrow stone path with tree's on either side. As they reached the bottom of the steps the Governor began to speak.
"This facility used to be my grandfather's, he founded the place. His name was Alistair Ravenwood you may have heard of him. Known for being one of the only wardens willing to take in some of England's most dangerous and psychotic Criminals. Then when he grew older he passed it down to my father and then, to me. To be honest I never really wanted the place, I always wanted to be an English teacher ya' know. But with little jobs around I just had to take it."
As he babbled on to himself Alice began to look around, she could see no other patients which concerned her. She looked behind seeing the gate come to a close. She was now the Governor's.
"Well hear we are, the reception! Oh, don't worry Alice you won't be seeing much of this place anyway hahaha. Oh mind the step there deary wouldn't want you hurting yourself and end up going to a real hospital."
Alice turned her head to see the receptionist holding a stack of cards and looking at her with a cynical look on her face. The woman looked about 60 with a dead look in her eyes as if she had seen a hundred wars; in a way Alice felt sorry for her, having to work in here with a load of men and seeing people entering daily. She looked away and continued to follow the Governor.
The Governor smirked at what he believed to be his own humor. The governor twirled around his finger around signalling for the guards to close the reception door. The two suited men dispersed and the doctor grabbed Alice by the arm injecting her with some sort of tranquilizer.
"It's only a precaution, my dear. See you soon..."
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I was right! It is the Alice from Alice in Wonderland. The only thing I saw that could be fixed is the number 60. It's a number nitpick I have seen a lot. It would be advisable to put sixty instead of 60. Also you had some capitalized words that shouldn't be capitalized.
Ok, past the nitpicking, good job with this one. Again, it is small but it makes one curious of what happens next. Poor Alice, some weird guy if giving her something that could make her have a shot. Keep writing!
~lost
Thank you for notifying me of this coming out! It was well worth my time!
Right, so I really like how you're building your character, Alice is becoming easier to relate to as we get to know her more throughout the story. I also really enjoy this story line, it is a very intriguing one, where we need to know how she copes with the other patients and how she fits in and if she actually deserves to be there..
There are a few little errors to point out however, like:
"This place used to be my grandfather(')s"
"It's only a precaution my dear, see you soon(...)/(.)"
Just little things like that, and how Lucrezia said about the word "place" in "This place used to be my grandfathers, he founded the place." Maybe when you edit or go over pieces, read them aloud and if you hear the same word more the once or twice in a sentence or paragraph, just grab a thesaurus and get some more ambitious words in there. Goodness, I sound like my English teacher.
This would improve your story because the reader would get more of an idea of your descriptive sentences, as I like to cram in a lot of description in a small place, throwing unnecessary words away, and replacing others with better words.
By the way, I also really like how you're uploading these, a page at a time, it's very well thought through.
Short and sweet.
I can't wait to see your next chapters! Hope this helped!
-CFG
Thanks i'll make the changes later
Made changes.
Hi there… again!
This is getting good. Honestly I found only a few nitpicks. There were the right amount of paragraph breaks, no misspellings… which is a win in itself.
The story is starting to get stronger and get into the flow of things. I'm sure the next part will be even better.
Okay, now for the little things I did notice.
I'm not sure if the S in "silent" was capitalized for stylistic reasons, but if not you might want to go back and put in a lowercase S instead.
Again, I'm not sure if the Ks in "kitchen" and "knife" were capitalized for stylistic purposes or if it's just a mistake, but they don't need to be.
"Place" feels a bit repetitive and there should be an apostrophe in "grandfathers."
I'd change it to: '"This facility used to be my grandfather's. He founded the place."'
Something like that.
There should be some punctuation at the end of this line. You could put a period, but I think it would make for a more dramatic final line if there were some dot-dot-dots instead.
Basically if it looked like this: '"It's only a precaution, my dear. See you soon . . ."'
Kind of gives it a more creepy feel. Of course, it's your story, so I'll leave the stylistic touches up to you.
Anyway, besides for those, this was pretty awesome. You have a really good story here so far. Keep up the great work!
Thanks i'll add those changes tomorrow when I add page 3 the capital letters are there by accident just used to randomly putting them in their.
Made changes.