Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
It was raining.
Both the Governor and the head doctor were waiting outside the entrance of the asylum waiting for their new arrival. The Governor was a tall man with a small goatee and a well looked after comb over. He was wearing a brown tweed jacket with matching pants, well polished shoes and a Black bowler hat. However there was not much to say about the doctor; he was a shorter man with a beardless face and a little scrawny looking. As they were waiting the doctor took out his pocket watch to check the time, meanwhile the governor was bouncing on his toes; whistling to a tune similar to the shire theme from 'The Lord of the Rings' movies.
The rain began to fall heavier and heavier; at it's peak you could see no further than across the gate about a couple of metres away. The two men could hear the faint roar of an engine. then a moment later, the front end of a car appeared out of the shadows lights blazing. The car was that of a 1978 Rolls Royce Corniche.
It turned round to the entrance and stopped.
Out came to men wearing black suits, each holding a suitcase. One walked over to the passenger side and let out a young blonde girl.
"This is Alice, Governor" said one of the men.
"Well, hello there, Alice" said the Governor. "Welcome to Ravenwood Medical institute for the clinically insane. Welcome to the Madhouse."
And the Governor smiled.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...a couple of pretty interesting characters there...not looking particular mysterious but certainly some pretty interesting sounding folks there....you do get the sense that something is going to happen here, especially with the raining, that does seem to be setting up the atmosphere for some things to come here.
Okay...the rain getting heavier certainly seems to indicate that something is getting close to getting done here...it is always a bit of an ominous sign and well, it appears we've got ourselves a car slowly arriving from the distance which should be quite fun to see as well although if I knew more about cars perhaps I'd learn even more as to why this car is specified quite so thoroughly.
Okay, men with suitcases is not a very good situation usually, in most cases that is always going to lead to something horrible happening but then we also have who I assume is the main character of the story arriving here soo...that's interesting.
Well, that went exactly as I expected it to, a mental institute seems to fit very well with the creepy looking men in briefcases and ominous heavy rain here...well, this is pretty exciting here....a neat little cliffhanger to end this first part on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Ok, first off, welcome to YWS! People tend to forget welcome new comers sometimes. Hope you can make it to YWS cup!
This is a page? Wow, small page :p just kidding. But it is still small. Can't wait to read the next chapters. I love how you hint at the Lord of the Rings. This makes me think of Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I guess she finally got put in the insane asylum. That's what happens when you imagine rabbits who are late. Rabbits can't be late. They are too fast.
I didn't see anything wrong with it. Good job!
~lost
Done, thanks for the feedback and I have edited it as requested.
Oh. My. Lord.
THIS IS SO COOL!
When I read: "from 'The Lord of the Rings' movies." I clicked like. I mean, come on, this is so FABULOUS!
I especially like the end of your piece, as it totally makes the reader want more. So, more... please?
"the Governor smiled." This really adds impact, by how he SMILES, I mean, does that mean he ENJOYS the Madhouse? Or likes introducing people to it?
The nitpicks the writer below me pointed out are good, but you could change the second waited to: "the entrance of the asylum, expecting their new arrival."
Also perhaps drop the first "of" in the first sentence? I think that'd make it flow better.
Also maybe casually throw a professional semi-colon in there by changing:
"However there was not much to say about the doctor, he was a shorter man with a beardless face and a little scrawny looking."
To...:
"However there was not much to say about the doctor; he was a shorter man with a beardless face and a little scrawny looking."
Which I think would make it a bit better too!
Also maybe throw a comma in here... "governor was bouncing on his toes(,)whistling etc."
Perhaps another semi-colon?
"The rain began to fall heavier and heavier(;) at it's peak etc."
Those are all just my opinion though, so you haven't done anything wrong!
I really like your style of writing though, it's really great. I think you have great potential to be a fabulous writer! ^_^
Upload moreee, I can't wait to read moreeee
-CFG
Thanks when I get home i'll improve it.
Thanks
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.
This is intriguing. It was on the short side, but that's not too huge a deal. So far, you've piqued my interest. There were a few small things that I spotted:
"Waiting" is a bit repetitive here. It would make for a more dramatic first line if this was spaced out.
For example:
"It was raining.
Both the Governor and the head doctor were waiting outside the entrance of the asylum for their new arrival."
Something like that.
"Then" feels repetitive here. I'd change it to: "The two men could hear the faint roar of an engine. A moment later, the front end of a car appeared out of the shadows, lights blazing."
Note also the comma usage. It helps with the flow. "Then" isn't needed in either case here, though you can use it. Personally I think it works better without it.
This is a bit of a run-on and doesn't flow right at all.
It should be written as:
"It turned round to the entrance and stopped.
Out came two men wearing black suits, each holding a suitcase. One walked to the passenger side and let out a young blond girl."
Should be: '"Well, hello there, Alice," said the Governor. "Welcome to the Ravenwood Medical Institute for the Clinically Insane. Welcome to the Madhouse."
And the Governor smiled.'
Anyway, besides for those nitpicks, this was a good beginning. Keep it up! I'll be eager to read the next part.
Thanks, when I get home ill make sure to make those changes.