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To My Future Daughter

by michaeld


Don't change.

Well, you can change,

Just not because someone told you you

Had to.

Don't let people tell you you're anything but

Beautiful.

Don't stop loving life.

Don't stop loving yourself.

Please, please,

Please

Don't stop loving yourself.

If you want to know why,

Just look at daddy's

Wrists.

Look at his

Legs.

Look at his

Arms.

Those bumps in the road only tell you

one thing.

Daddy stopped loving himself.

Don't be like him.

Live each day.

Be grateful for each breath,

Each sniff of the nose,

Each tear,

Each step,

Each day you

Feel.

Be grateful.

Be.

With all my love,

Dad


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Sat Nov 10, 2012 11:55 pm
Samantha082 says...



I really loved your poem! You put so much emotion into it- its insane!




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Wed Nov 07, 2012 4:06 am
BaByLa1989 wrote a review...



I'm not trying to be bias or anything but I don't think this poem deserves all the credits that it's getting. I love the way the writer used personification to create a poem that would make the readers relate to it emotionally but gees this poem is over-rated. It like going to the movies and watching the crappiest movie and because the played your favorite sound or a sound that is upbeat and made u feel good you rate it good. Though I must say that writing this from a father (dude) perspective was brilliant.

P.s: Your last word needs a period(.).

I wouldn't day that this is the best of poems I have ever read neither would I say it was bad but dude keep up the work, keep writing. Great effort. :)




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Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:45 am
miikkee54 wrote a review...



Hey, I'm new to YWS, however just wanted to let you know how much i enjoyed this poem. The honesty and emotion is so strong and really helps set it apart from other poems. Keep up the good work :)




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Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:57 am
Ccas says...



The raw emotion you show is amazing with such simplistic verse. The meaning of the self love that is passed between parent to child is so perfectly put.




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Mon Nov 05, 2012 4:44 am
writingmyheartout wrote a review...



Wow! Thank you so much for writing this poem. It is beautiful, and meaningful. It can have so many interpretations, but the one I got was just amazing. It was simple, but that's what made it so good. It didn't need anything fancy because it's just a Father talking to his Daughter. The whole concept is also a wonderful thing. People just sitting down and writing to their future children. Warning them, sharing moments, and just wanting them to know something. Again thank you, it was beautiful and elegant.




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Mon Nov 05, 2012 12:24 am
KatKage says...



Wow, I just have to say; This is amazing!!! ^u^
I love it X3




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Sun Nov 04, 2012 1:57 pm
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sarahjane97 wrote a review...



46 comments?!? Congrats! I haven't seen a piece with this many comments for the longest time on YWS! :')
Anyway, onto the poem. There seem to be mixed reviews and VERY strong opinions concerning the poem's execution. Wow. Take a chill pill guys. Still, I understand that even the harshest reviewers are trying to help you, and I respect that.
Mostly, critics have asked for more poetic figurative language. I personally think this poem does't need it, because it's a father talking to his daughter. I think the father's voice really makes this poem, and I don't know any fathers who talk in similes and metaphors.
So, personally, I think the simplistic tone works for this particular poem. Don't get me wrong, I bet it could be rewritten more poetically and be AMAZING, but it would give off a totally different vibe. I think the raw, straight-to-the-point stuff is a lot more genuine, because that's how real fathers are.
Ok, well that's my two cents. Again, congrats on all the attention this piece is getting. You deserve it, my friend! :D




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Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:29 am
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Raelyn723 wrote a review...



I would like to say that along with everyone else, I absolutely love this. You conveyed all this emotion in these simple words and it's simply AMAZING. You left me breathless. The only thing I noticed is that throughout the poem you were using "daddy" when you talked about...well yourself I guess, until the end. I think it would be more meaningful if you signed it as daddy instead of "dad". Just a little pickiness from me. This is amazing. Please keep posting! Oh and congrats on so many reviews ;) you deserve it!




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Mon Oct 29, 2012 1:08 am
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AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Hey Michael. Alf here for a review. So, I was shocked to see, like, I dunno, more than forty praise to your piece. Unfortunately, I think it needs a lot more meat to be praised so much. It was a REALLY great read, don't get me wrong, and I LOVE it. But there are just some things you need to keep in mind on writing the next piece...

First, the positives...
Emotion to the max! I think the chopped verses give impact. Also, some words, although simple and common, really come out serenely as you isolate them in their own verses. This artistic notion needs some thumbs up :) I think the poem showed what the father has installed in his mind. I like how you scoop that out like ice cream and smother it in an artistic way. Also, the piece really seemed fatherly. The mood and word choice perfectly fits the voice of a concerned father. This is why many writers at YWS really like the piece, this includes me :)

Lines I like:

Don't let people tell you you're anything but

Beautiful.

This is a line fathers commonly say, and this I believe it really supports the theme of the poem.

Each step,

Each day you

Feel.

Be grateful.

Be.

In here, I'd really like how you emphasized 'be'. The word refers to being, and it can mean a thousand things. But how you used it in the piece brings about all those meanings into one.

But that doesn't mean there are no negatives about it...
As I've said, it lacks meat. Yes there are emotion and sentiment, there are memories. It is also understandable that the poem is a reflection of what the father had done in his life. But it lacks more story. I know it's a poem but it NEEDS meat. From the simple message of the father against other people, you quickly jumped up to another one, which is saying that the daughter should enjoy life. These are great parts of the poetic story, this is the reason why you need to emphasize each of them as if they are the poems themselves. If you want more messages to be told, install them! If it needs more figurative words, then GO!

You see, it is emotional, but it's very simple. There is no play of words nor dance of verses. This makes me a bit sad :( . The simpleness seems good at start, but bear in mind that it can be a bit static as you go through the piece.

As a minimalist poet myself, I understand the style you used. You defragmented the poem, but I think you did much. You took out the flow, you took out the whole sense. Consider bringing them back. Add lines which can denote fatherness. Delete lines that are TOO simple. Simple is good, but too much static is a no-go.

THE VERDICT: :D :D :D :)
It's a good read, all in all, but it lacks so much poetic power that the serene beauty of simplicity turns out to be static and cold. What you should do is to let it grow. Add imagery by writing figuratively and think other ways of adding poetics into it without breaking your simple style.

You did a good job here, Mike, it just needs something more. With this, i hope reading more from your works! I really appreciated this one, so I'm considering seeing some more. Just be sure to follow any advise given to you and you're ready to go!

Your Quick Critic,
Alf :D




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Mon Oct 29, 2012 12:24 am
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Ary says...



It's so beautifully written and flowing and the emotion shown is so ethereal that it just leaves me speechless...




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Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:37 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Good evening, Michael.

I don’t review much anymore, but there are two reasons I come out of the shadows to give my insights: 1.) a piece needs significant praise because it achieves a merit of quality that is yet unrecognized, or 2.) a piece receives inordinate praise that is ill-deserved. To My Future Daughter has received too much praise, and needs a touch of reality.

In terms of demographics, your sentiment (which I consider to merit 50% of a poem’s significance) touches the shoulders of 1.) women who do not love themselves, 2.) women who wish other women loved themselves more, 3.) men who wish women loved themselves more, and 4.) an occasional soft heart. Now, this demographic is cool, it’s a good thing to have, but by no means does it warrant any poetic merit. You’ve brought nothing new, nothing refreshing to this piece, and it suffers because of your simplicity.

You’ve given no heed to flow, no caution for delicate images, no attention to broad relativity. It’s just one sentiment, chopped into fragmented, hard-to-swallow lines that makes the piece too dramatic, too self-absorbed to make me care. The piece doesn’t even focus into the daughter for half of the poem—and then you go into talking about yourself/the father in such a way that it seems like a suicide note. Honestly, I think this would be more impactful if it were a suicide note left for a future daughter. That’d be cool, original, different. It would have the context of loss so we could connect to at least one of the pawns.

Sentiment isn’t enough. Sharpen up your craft and pay attention to what you’re doing.

-Lumi




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Sat Oct 27, 2012 3:33 pm
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sockmonkey says...



Wow great job you have 34 likes.This was even liked by a spambot. [I don't mean that in a bad way its true a spam bot liked it]




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Sat Oct 27, 2012 11:56 am
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Lava says...



I came around because of well, so many likes/comments!
Well, I'm no poet/poetry reviewer; but as a reader, this came off clunky. It would sound a lot better if you spend some time on the father's slitting/insecurities and stuff.

That aside, do you also write prose?




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Sat Oct 27, 2012 9:41 am
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MynameisMud says...



Oh man, so many feels. Good job.




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Sat Oct 27, 2012 7:59 am
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erikmartinez626 says...



dope man i really enjoyed it




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Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:06 pm
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VeninAbyss wrote a review...



I really think this is beautiful. It's a bittersweet feeling, both happy and sad. I agree that you do write with self-awareness and lots of emotions. It's both touching and inspiring. I like the format that you put it in. I don't think its "awkwardly structured." It really works for this poem, I think. It makes it more meaningful, I think it makes the reader "feel" the emotions in the words. This is a really good piece of writing. Keep going at it.




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Tue Oct 23, 2012 11:01 am
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IlhamAlKhatib wrote a review...



Wow... Well,,, I really like it... I feli it was a bit touchy ... All the best !!




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Tue Oct 23, 2012 8:57 am
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Very touching. You write with self-awareness and emotion.

Keep it up!




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Tue Oct 23, 2012 2:01 am
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MissKittyKat says...



This is a great poem. Keep writing.




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Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:35 pm
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JayArtist wrote a review...



Wow, I really enjoyed this. Keep up the great work.




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Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:30 am
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poemlovr wrote a review...



I really liked this poem. It made me feel happy and sad at the same time. I agree with PeaceLuvPoems that this was lovely in this poem-letter format. But the only thing that I want to comment on is that the lines were kind of choppy. I think you could of made it flow more instead of the short lines, but that is my only complaint( and that might just be me). Another thing thing I really like is this part:
"Live each day.

Be grateful for each breath,

Each sniff of the nose,

Each tear,

Each step,

Each day you

Feel.

Be grateful.

Be.

With all my love,

Dad"
I look forward to more poems of yours!




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Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:06 pm
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PeaceLuvPoems wrote a review...



I loved this... it was bittersweet, and makes me wants to read it over and over again. It's like a poem-letter. I wish that I could write like this... Please keep writing poems like this!




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Sun Oct 21, 2012 3:27 am
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Impaired wrote a review...



It is sweet and it is sad and it is heartfelt, keep this in its rawest form. Because like this it sings of a pleading and it whispers of care. Because kids do learn from their parents mistakes, all the time. It is not only touching generally, but in some cases personally as well and I truly love it, because it is so cleanly executed and left as pure thought.




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Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:34 pm
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abandonallships8430 wrote a review...



I don't know if this will make any sense, but I literally FELT this poem. Don't pay attention to what other people say, haha. It's great! :)

It actually made me cry a little..

Thanks ♥

~Lindsey :D




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SmileWithoutRegret wrote a review...



That's amazing. I wish I could put my feelings into writing as well as you..




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Fri Oct 19, 2012 8:20 am
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Yuriiko says...



The poem is sweet. However, overall, the poem's portrayal of the message is awkwardly structured. Imagine a person reading this to you or vice versa, they will hear these pauses in some lines, that I think sometimes comes off as unnecessary, and breaks the flow of the poem. I also agree with other reviewers that this will be much better if you put some elements of poem- some figures of speech, etc. and not just blandly serving a pasta with little peas on it. Add some spice.

But yeah, don't get me wrong- with this poem alone- I think this dish has a lot (lots!) of potential. :)






I thought this poem was awesome! Nothing wrong with it! Pauses are sometimes what makes a poem.



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Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:39 pm
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NightWalker wrote a review...



Simple but beautiful.I love it very much.when i read this poem,there is some kind of feeling i felt inside.
Be grateful for each breath,

"Each sniff of the nose,
Each tear,
Each step,
Each day you
Feel.
Be grateful.
Be.
With all my love,
Dad"

*this is the part that i love the most.Keep writing,dude.I hope to see more poems from you.




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carrie93 says...



I LOVED IT. I honestly didn't see a single thing wrong.

Very amazing. <3




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Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:03 am
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Rosamunroe wrote a review...



Hello here is your review

"Be.

With all my love,

Dad."

Be is a ssubordinate clause and should be linked with a main clause. I suggest changing the period to a comma.


This is your comment
I feel very attached to this because i am a daughter and my father cut but never told me not to cut.
So thank you for sharing .... very much loved this.




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Rosamunroe says...



Hello here is your review

"Be.

With all my love,

Dad."

Be is a ssubordinate clause and should be linked with a main clause. I suggest changing the period to a comma.


This is your comment
I feel very attached to this because i am a daughter and my father cut but never told me not to cut.
So thank you for sharing .... very much loved this.




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Rosamunroe says...



Hello here is your review

"Be.

With all my love,

Dad."

Be is a ssubordinate clause and should be linked with a main clause. I suggest changing the period to a comma.


This is your comment
I feel very attached to this because i am a daughter and my father cut but never told me not to cut.
So thank you for sharing .... very much loved this.




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Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:55 pm
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Nook wrote a review...



Hi, michaeld. I have to say, I absolutely loved your poem. Being a cutter... I really wish my dad had given me something like this. I just... understand it so much.

In response to Aet's review, I have something to say. I think this poem was meant to be felt, not read, right? It certainly seems that way to me.

All I need to focus on is the meaning behind those simple and straightforward words. And see deeper. And deeper. It's not impossible.

I personally think critiquing this piece is just gonna ruin this.

So, to fill up your page, once more, with admiring words...

I love this.




Aet Lindling says...


Of course poems are meant to be felt, not read, with few exceptions.

That would be the problem here. As I stated in my review, this isn't a very poetic poem, and it lends itself to being read, not felt. That is one of the reasons I disliked it.

There are other reasons. Perhaps if you had actually paid attention to my review, if indeed you read it at all besides the opening line, you would understand these reasons. I assure you, "reading" it instead of feeling it was not one of those reasons.

PS: A guest post may pop up if it is approved by the moderators. I accidentally posted this comment in different wording once before, as a guest. Ignore it, it's more or less a duplicate.



veeren says...


What is it that's so 'un-poetic'? The way it's written?
Just because a poem isn't written in a standard way with stanzas and a rhyme scheme doesn't mean it's not poetic.
Many poets used unorthodox forms when writing their poetry, and if anything it added feeling to their writing, it didn't take any away. Saying this poem was written 'grammatically incorrect' is like saying someone drew a picture of something they imagined the wrong way. It's being expressed how the artist feels it should be, and there's never any right or wrong when it comes to that.



Aet Lindling says...


Again you seem to be assuming I know very little about poetry, and also seem to not have actually read the review, in which I never mention any grammatical errors. In fact, I even briefly go over the concept of "poetic license", which is what you were trying to get at and explain to me.

Otherwise, I would've pointed out, as a later reviewer did, the "Be." ending. That is silly. The "grammatical error" is simply a poetic choice.

"What is it that's so 'un-poetic'?"

Hmm, perhaps if you actually read the review I wrote that you are criticizing you would know.

Actually, I would much appreciate it if you would actually read the review and get back to me. I'd be curious to know what your actual rational response to it would be once you read it instead of pretending you read it or glancing your eyes across it.

Not that I'd be expecting you to agree with me once you read my points, I'm not that egotistical, but I'm fairly sure this would be a great deal more interesting than the attempts you're making now to insult me just because I have a different opinion.

PS: Seriously, how on earth is this still in the #1 place? JANAE-EX got manually removed from the #1 spot, a tragic loss, couldn't we get this manually removed?



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Tue Oct 16, 2012 11:44 pm
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veeren wrote a review...



Despite what other people might think, I thought this was absolutely beautiful. I could tell it was written with emotions that were absolutely genuine, a type of writing that could only come from someone who's writing their true feelings. You really meant this, and it came out great.
Not only that, but it's a great message to send to someone, in this case a daughter, about how much you love them. The thought of them reading this sometime in the future, would no doubt touch them more than it would touch any other reader.
Anyway, great poetry. Keep it up!




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undertheshadow wrote a review...



That is so sad.. But I absolutely loved it.. :)




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BunnyRabbit12 wrote a review...



Wow this is really good! I love pretty much everything about this! I don't dislike anything because it is so good! Just watch your grammer and spelling




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Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:58 pm
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lalala445 wrote a review...



Oh my god this is so sweet! I realize how much my parents must be hurting because of some of my decisions. Thanks!




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StinaFalk wrote a review...



This is amazing. Being a cutter myself, and, of course, the daughter of a father, this makes me realize that they actually are as hurt by it as I am.
Thank you.




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snowberry23 wrote a review...



Wow, this is amazing!
Being my fathers daughter, I can only say that I would love to have had my dad write me something like this.
Being a previous cutter, I can only tell you that this piece is so honest and true!
I hope one day to explain my scars to my kids.
Excellent, I mean it!!!

Keep writing!
-SnowBerry




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Sat Oct 13, 2012 2:47 pm
TemptingDreams says...



Sounds Beautiful :)




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Javshanidze wrote a review...



Nice. I really enjoyed reading this. Too bad children never really listen to parents though. But this work represents you as a really good person. They say: Everybody loves/will love their kids, but, love isn't as easy as it seems.


Keep up the good work ;)




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Fri Oct 12, 2012 6:43 pm
courtneyhearts says...



beautiful!!(: every daughter needs to know someone cares..




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Qoh16 says...



i loved it,\. every father needs to tell this to their daughters




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Thu Oct 11, 2012 9:17 pm
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Aet Lindling wrote a review...



I certainly don't dislike it as much as carbonCore did, but with as little offense intended as possible... my god, how is this getting so much praise?

First thing, line breaks. Why do you use so many? It looks ridiculous. Poetic license means there is no rule against it, of course, but it's just a very poor choice. Line breaks indicate a "breath", some sort of pause, like a comma does. Do you really intend the reader to read it like so?

Don't change. Well, you can change, just not because someone told you you. Had to. Don't let people tell you you're anything but. Beautiful.


It doesn't make sense, and it gets even more awkward when you try to read through the entire poem. If you want to emphasize the words you've placed on their own lines, try italicizing them instead.

Onto the writing, odd stilting disjointedness aside.

It's simply not very well executed. The idea has potential, I wasn't expecting the creepy turn it took where the father began using the scars from his past of self-harm to educate his child daughter and it certainly had the possibility to evoke emotion, but it just... didn't, and I think I have an idea as to why.

For one, the idea you have, as I said, has potential, but the way you've written it isn't poetic. This may be why you've added so many line breaks, to try and make it seem more poetic, but in the end there is no art to the words. It is straightforward, and you simply dictate the message you are trying to convey.

Take a look at it without all the unnecessary line breaks, for a moment, so we can see what the actual wording is.

Don't change.

Well, you can change,

Just not because someone told you you had to.

Don't let people tell you you're anything but beautiful.

Don't stop loving life.

Don't stop loving yourself.

Please, please, please don't stop loving yourself.

If you want to know why, just look at daddy's wrists.

Look at his legs.

Look at his arms.

Those bumps in the road only tell you one thing.

Daddy stopped loving himself.

Don't be like him.

Live each day.

Be grateful for each breath,

Each sniff of the nose,

Each tear, each step,

Each day you feel.

Be grateful.

Be.

With all my love,

Dad


Aside from "Those bumps in the road only tell you one thing.", the "Be." line and a couple of the lines before it, there is literally nothing poetic about it. You are simply stating the facts of the story you've created. Lines like "Well, you can change" especially, come off as unartistic and awkward.

In addition, you have this promising twist in the story and then simply drop it. You make a brief reference to the fact that the father is trying to teach his young daughter not to self-harm by actually showing her how damaged he is from it, right in front of her face, which is a bizarre and potentially damaging way to parent a child, and then rather than exploring that you act as if nothing is wrong and continue on to some cliched lines about appreciating life.

In the end, I'd suggest you rewrite this and pay attention to this poem's strengths, and build on those instead of getting distracted. In addition, try to make the writing more poetic and fitting. Perhaps add imagery, or metaphor, or at least make the writing more varied and intriguing rather than just stating what you've come to state very matter-of-factly then moving on to the next point.

~Aet




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ZaryaParadis wrote a review...



Wow, this is utterly amazing. I think you're going to be a great father, is it okay if I steal this for my boyfriend to read to our baby? I really love this.




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Thu Oct 11, 2012 4:51 pm
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IrishFire18 says...



I think this was absolutely beautiful. The simplicity is what really brings it all together. The powerful meaning behind what you said... Simply wow. I'm impressed. :)
Keep writing,
Fire.




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carbonCore says...



Pretentious and heavy handed. My face was dry.




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Demoness says...



Deep, beautiful, awesome!




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creativityrules says...



Oh my God. That's all.




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mascaraxrainyxdays wrote a review...



This is beautiful.




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LadyPurple says...



That is so sweet! I almost cried. You, sir, will be a great father one day.




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Thu Oct 11, 2012 1:26 am
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GeeLyria says...



Pst. Why the hell are there tears in my eyes? Lol. Good job, Michael. I think this is lovely.




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Wed Oct 10, 2012 10:53 pm
Pinktoes says...



This is amazing, it literally brought tears to my eyes. So little words, but such meaning behind them... I absolutely love this.




carbonCore says...


Pretentious and heavy handed. My face was dry.




"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind