Everything was going so well,
or so we thought.
You were fine, I was fine, we were fine;
everything was going so well.
You were so typical.
I kept everything hidden deep inside.
You would be talking and I could predict what you would say next and I would just sit back and smile.
You'd ask why with a pout.
I'd just shake my head with a goofy grin plastered to my face.
You were so cute when you were upset...
As time went on, we realized that we had created something good.
Some even called it a light.
We brightened people's lives with our love.
You especially brightened mine.
Everything was picturesque.
Or so I thought.
One day, you decided enough was enough.
You reached up and turned out that light, you didn't even say goodnight.
Then, you walked out that door.
That's ok, you were such a bore.
But you weren't a bore, you were something more.
I screamed for you to stop, my voice becoming itchy and raspy,
but you didn't.
Exasperated, I screamed that I hated you.
You stopped in your tracks, turned on your heel until we were face to face.
With your eyes welling up with tears, you whispered, "I love you."
I took a deep breath and pointed a finger,
"Don't you dare..."
Offended, you stumbled back and asked what was wrong.
I gulped, my voice becoming louder,
"Don't you dare say something like that because I might do something crazy like believe it."
I didn't want to start but now I couldn't stop.
"All along, I believed those three words and for you to so easily walk away, it's not hard to believe that you were lying."
It's been three years, two months, and thirty-six days since that moment.
I'll never forget it.
They say you can never earn someone's trust back.
I personally don't believe that.
At the time of the crime, it may seem so, but I believe it takes just that;
time.
Darling, we are living proof.
It's been one year, four months, three days, and fifty-three seconds since we rebuilt that trust.
Everything is going well.
You might not stay, I might not stay,
and true, our bridge is a little shaky and we might just fall...
But that's a risk that I'm willing to take.
Hi Michael! Sarah here to review!
Wow. I've never read slam poetry before, but this is amazing! I love the rawness of it and all the emotions rushing at you at once. The style of slam poetry seems very much like life--you can't stop and try to understand what's going on. You just let it happen.
The style adds to the overall realism of the piece. I ache for the couple in this poem, and smile at the hopeful (yet not cheesy) ending. The message here is a good one: things aren't always picturesque and perfect, but we can try to make things work. Very true, and not glossed over at all.
Here are some of my personal thoughts:
1.) The rhyming bit in this poem detracts from the flow for me. However, if this is a mechanism often used in slam poeetry or in highlighting parts of a poem, ignore this. It just seems less raw to me.
2.) The word "good" in the line "As time went on, we realized that we had created something good" seems a little understated to me. But perhaps that's because I'm too extravegent or something.
Well, that's all the critique I can muster up for you. Take this critique with a grain of salt, as they're just my personal opinions. You're the dark, passionate poet, so you can decide whether to take them into consideration or not! xD
Bye!
P.S--I like your reading of this poem! You read with such emotion!
P. P.S.--Again, happy (late) birthday!!!
Ahh! thank you so much sarah!
This review meant alot :3