Young Writers Society

Hey there, Mia! IronSpark here to review your poem. This is gonna be a short one, I gotta warn you. But I'll do my best! Quickly, grammar. I'm going to go off traditional grammar rules because I feel like your poem would benefit most from those. Here we go, a few suggestions on punctuation and phrasing all at once.

"Between you and me
lies a sea of love,
and waves of desperation.

Between you and me
lies a million reasons to try -
with thoughts
as to why we should.

Between you and I
lies a forbidden love
with short visitations
and many I miss you’s."

There ya go! Now, onto content.

I'm not so fond of the concept of this poem. Forbidden love is something that, yes, many people can and have related too, and that works in your favor, but it can sometimes become a cliche to the point where it's no longer an interesting topic. For instance, "a sea of love" is a tired concept, and I was underwhelmed by the way you used it. Another problem-- sometimes, the language you use falls flat either because of missing punctuation or a grammar mistake or because it's simply boring. For example, "lies a sea of love". So much more could be communicated by simply replacing "lies" with a stronger word, like "rages". That really puts a picture in the reader's mind, and creates a strong and slightly more original metaphor. I would say keep trying with this one! The concept may be a bit overused, but I think with the right tools, this poem could really touch a lot of people. "A million I miss you's" was a pretty novel and exciting concept, I think, and I quite enjoyed this overall. It has a lot of potential.

As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark

Hello! Before I get started, welcome to YWS! I really like your poem. I can definitely feel the narrators pain through this and think you did an excellent job getting your point across.

As for critiquing, I do not have a whole lot of advice to give as this is clearly a free verse poem most of the things are purely preference. So, I would like to instead some of the things that I personally would change. First off, I really liked the flow but I don't think that I would capitalize every line, but only in the necessary places such as for when beginning a sentence. I liked the repetition used because it definitely helped get the concept across effectively. I don't see anything that I'd really like to change other than the capitalization so please forgive me!

Overall, this was a great poem and I look forward to reading more of your works

Hi, Tulip here to give you a review on your poem.

Now this is a pretty good poem. It is easy to read (though in some parts a bit of editing may come in) and the flow was okay.

I rated the flow of the poem as okay because well, it could be better. It could be having punctuation or even actually separating the ideas into separate stanzas.

Like the person before said, it is a free-verse poem. It doesn't require the same rules of poetry as set ones do. Free-verse is typically what I write in, and you can feel free to pop over to my page at any time to view those, so I know that punctuation can be helpful or it can just ruin the mood you are trying to put into the piece.

I love the emotion that came through this piece, even though the word choice is basic. The impact could have been bigger but I believe that the word choice you used is perfect for this poem.

Keep on writing,
~Tulip~

Well hello, hello, and welcome, welcome, to YWS!! RagingLive here to review your poem!

First of all, I want to commemorate you on the feeling of this piece. I certainly felt the narrator's (or dare I say maybe even the author's?) heartache and longing. You did very well, bravo bravo!!

Now, this was more a free verse poem, which means that you don't need correct punctuation or capitalization. You also do not have to worry about rhyming. I want to address the before mentioned first, however.

I noticed that you capitalized the beginning of each line, and while this is a matter of personal opinion over something very trivial, I would suggest that you either remove all of the punctuation or use the capitalized areas strictly when the punctuation calls for it.

Now, as I said before, because this is free verse, it isn't mandatory that it rhyme. One thing that would be nice, I think, would be if you had rhythm. To check this I read it aloud to myself several times and then copied and pasted, splitting it up so that I could check the syllable count of each line.
This is what I found while doing the latter:

Between you and I

Lies a sea of love

With waves of desperation.

Good work. The words flow together well.