Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
An empty pack of Marlboro Red’s sat innocently on his coffee table. I caught myself having an intense staring contest with the creased box. My lips began to quiver as I imagined the way he held the pack. I could sense the way he starved for a little taste... the way he hungrily ripped off the gold strip and the plastic wrap, barely attempting to prevent himself from relapsing. He would tap the bottom of the carton with the palm of his left hand, while holding it with his right hand. Opening the box, revealing his treasure, a shining wave of relief pouring over his face, while it truly reveals his torture.
Our torture.
Acting on impulse, I grabbed the box and examined it. I wondered why these Red’s had such a grasp on him. I began to rip the cardboard apart, into tiny pieces, as the scent of tobacco covered my hands. He walked into the living room, where I sat on our couch that has been inhaling smoke for God knows how long. He stopped in his tracks, looking at the floor, the disassembled box angrily scattered everywhere.
“Again?” I asked quietly. I stared teary-eyed at my hands, avoiding having to look at him. “Why would you do that?” He questioned me.
“Why would I do what?” Gaining the confidence to look up to him. His gaze was filled with confusion. He didn’t know what to say, all he could do was point at the floor.
“Oh, that? I’m not too sure. I got a little jealous...” I felt a big lump in my throat, holding back the tears from streaming and the steam from blowing.
“You’re jealous?” He seemed understanding. “Tell me what happened, sweetheart.” He walked over to the couch and kneeled in front of me. We were face to face, softly looking into each other's eyes. He gently stroked my jawline. Back and forth. Gaining my trust during my vulnerability.
“I- I just thought you were going to quit smoking... you promised that you’d quit. You said you would do it for me.” He snickered, shook his head, and took his hand off my face, knowing he would hurt me.
“That’s embarrassing.” He got up and paced slowly back and forth, his hands stuck in his front jean pockets. My gaze, full of desperation and exhaustion, finally breaking down. “Stop crying.” He groaned, turning away from my ‘embarrassing’ self.
In between breaths, I let out a few words, barely able to construct a complete sentence.
“I can’t help it... You love cigarettes more than you love me...You are embarrassing.”
His hands cupped into his face, curling his fingers as his nails broke into his skin.
“Look at what you do to me!” He turned and yelled at me. The breakage caused some blood.
“This is your fault. I smoke because of you. Because you make my life miserable.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I mean everything that I say.” He lunged and wrapped his hand around my neck, tightening his grip every few seconds.
“Touch my cigarettes one more time, I dare you. I never cared about you, and I never will.You’re sick in the head.” He laid his forehead against mine, the blood transferring onto my skin. “Does it feel good?” He looked at me with the Kubrick Stare, smirking.
“What?” Losing my breath, slowly but surely.
“Does it feel good to be crazy?” My eyes closed. I felt the pressure on my neck being lifted. The sound of footsteps echoing throughout the room, getting softer and softer. I forcefully opened my eyes, shaking. In distress, I walked over to the bathroom to look into the mirror to see the damage he had left. I flicked the light on, revealing my reflection in the mirror. I looked at myself, confused.
There was nothing there.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was a very powerful piece here. Despite being on the shorter side it delivers a really powerful punch there and just the rollercoaster there all for it to come to an end like that was just very well done there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh I love this opening here. Such a powerful description, just immediately gripping us in terms of the images that it evokes there and immediately establishing a powerful atmosphere through that alone before that little line of dialogue there seals the deal in terms of making sure that we immediately have a feel for exactly what's happening here.
Oooh well that's quite the moment there to build off of after an opening like that. It seems like the situation while still fairly tense is slowly leeching that tension off in favor of this more comfortable and loving atmosphere here where they're about to share some hidden feelings and I'm really loving that vibe at the moment.
Oh well I misread that quite spectacularly and I love that fact because it means you absolutely nailed the fact that this person is definitely a horrible human being but one that can pretend to be a kind soul when he wants. Seeing that switch and the sheer reversal there is very powerful there and those little descriptors of the actions dotted amongst the dialogue are working wonders here to bring across exactly how that happens.
Well that's a powerful little crescendo to that scene there. Just building up to the man delivering just that heartbreaking line again and again and you get the feeling this happens a lot more often in a lot more situations and this person just can't really do anything about it but take it and try to survive.
Ooooh this is such a powerful ending there that's open to just so many interpretations and honestly that's just the perfect way to cap off something so powerful, to just leave you reimagining all of those lines in so many more contexts now to try and come to the conclusion of exactly what might have truly gone down here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a very powerful little story this one and I think you've done a wonderful job bringing some really powerful emotions to light here. The descriptions compliment that dialogue beautifully and that ending on top of all of that is just perfect.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
"Opening the box, revealing his treasure, a shining wave of relief pours over his face, while it truly reveals his torture.
Our torture."
I like this sentence to show how the cigarettes affect him. It's his treasure; he values it over anything else. He's addicted to it. It affects his relationship, and he isn't going to let it go even if the world collapses.
"His hands cupped into his face, curling his fingers as his nails broke into his skin.
“Look at what you do to me!” He turned and yelled at me. The breakage caused some blood."
Hurting yourself to cause guilt to your partner is a classic. He's self-centered. He doesn't listen to her concerns, he only sees them as her bothering him and trying to cause him pain.
Overall, I love this piece. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Personally when I first clicked on this story I did not expect this. Boy was this a wild ride. The way you describe that empty pack of Marlboro Red’s had me hooked like I was watching a movie. It's like I could feel the tension between the characters jumping off the page. And that ending caught me off guard in so many ways. It was truly incredible how you so skillfully described every detail, and yet it didn't get too cluttered or verbose feeling. But somehow was the right amount to leave the reader completely enthralled yet not overwhelmed.
This is a great short story. I love the way you describe it in your writing. How vibrant the narrator's thought process is. You write the harmful relationship beautifully, showing how toxic it is. Great work!