CH.1
you lay in a dark void. your arms spread out to grip something to hold on to. there is nothing. you float forward, not knowing whats ahead. you are in a aqward position. alone and helpless. but suddenly, there is a flash of light. golden and warm. you continue towards it. the land rushes underneath your feet. you remember this place. it is prospit. you remember the other dream land. it was called derse, right? you think to yourself. then, you look up, remembering that derse would be above you. "so, its your first time in prospit?" a voice from behind startles you. whirling around to see who it is, you are glad its another troll. "uh, yeah. its that ovious, isn't it?" you blush. then he has a puzzling look on his face. "may i ask you a question?" he asks hesitantly. "sure." you answer. "i must be the biggest dumb ass on alteria, but, what's your blood color?" you wonder why he would ask you such a question. "i-its pink, i guess. i've never really-" he grabs you by the wrist. "come with me." he flies you over to a tall castle just a little ways ahead of you. "i can help you, ok? just go to the planet alternia and ask any troll around if they know karkat vantas. i'll send some people out to find you." he lets go, and everything starts to get blurry.
you wake up on the ground. but its not your cave, its actual grass. you hug the ground. suddenly, you hear voices coming from around the corner. you try to get up, but it seems as if your leg is caught under a branch. you lay there until the trolls come around the corner. one comes over to you. he has a purple strip in his hair. "please help me." you ask politely. "oh my glub! sol! help me get this branch off this beautiful girl!" the other troll comes over to help. his eyes are red and blue. they pick the branch off of you and pull you up."why where you 2tuck there?" the one with the multicolored eyes asks. "i don't know. i had just woken up, hearing you guys coming. i tried to move, but the branch was there." they look at you with pitty. "may i ask you guys a question?" "sure, wwhat do you need?" the one with purple asks. "well, i was told some people were sent out to find me in prospit. and-" they look suprised. "2o karkat 2ent u2 out to find her?" the multicolored eye troll asks the other. "yes, karkat told me! thank goodness, he wasn't lying." now they look even more suprised. "he found you?" then they look at the astrological sign on your t-shirt. "wwhat's going on?" the purple dressed one asks. "and can i at least know your names?" you ask. "oh right. my name is eridan ampora, and this is sollux captor." eridan smiles at you. "what's you-" his cellular device goes off. "wwhat kar? oh, yeah wwe found her. wwere coming back." then, they start to walk you towards their base.
after at least three hours of talking, you finally reach their base. they open the door, and you see at least six other trolls in there, including karkat. "finally! what took you guys so long?" karkat exlaimes. everyone else looks over to you, and you blush. "h-hi everytroll." they all look suprised. "wwhats your name girl?" eridan asks. "my name is teocsi declem." karkat walks up to you. "and, she's a pink blood." everyone gasps. "p-pink?!" sollux stutters out. "yep. that only means one thing." karkat comes closer. ":333< shes the real empress!" one troll with a blue kitty hat runs to you and gives you a hug. "wait, if there is pink, what is there to say that there aren't more colors?!" another troll calls out. "w-well, i haven't seen any others. but you could be right." you stutter. "god, you sound just like tavros over there." karkat laughs. "the one with the blue hat is nepeta, the girl with the robot arm is virska, the one in the wheelchair is tavros, the high one is gamzee." "honk" gamzee lands in a pile of clown horns. "the one making robots over there is equius. and there are a couple more you'll need to meet." you smile. "there sure are alot of you." eridan speaks again. "there are twwelve of us, in all truth." karkat comes and gives you a hug. again, everyone looks surpised. he pulls you closer and whispers in you ear. "be careful about who you trust." you try to make sense of what he said, but you don't have time to. a whirlwind of questions hit you at full speed. you try to answer them, but they all seem like a blur to you. "god, why can't you guys leave her the fuck alone for at least one minuet! can't you see she's tired?" they all back off, and karkat leads you to a room where you can sleep. "i don't know why, but i feel as if i already know you. so please, be careful. i'll help you out as much as you can." you look suprised at him. then, he leaves.
CH.2
your dreams aren't pleasent. sploches of the hemospectrum come to mind. on the ground. veins drip rainbows and lead to a river. you can't tell who they belong to, but you know they are trolls. you wake up suddenly, hitting your head on your recooperation pod. it seems as if you drifted asleep outside your pod. you make a mental note to try harder next time. while getting off the ground, you hear chatter in the computer room. you go to check it out. it seems as if karkat fell asleep outside his recooperation pod, too. "does he have a habit of doing that?" you ask suddenly. "usually, yeah. why do you ask?" virska asks. "i have the same habit." you twiddle your thumbs and blush. "ahh! why the fuck is everyone around me?!?" karkat jumps up and blushes. ":333< you just looked so cute!" nepeta answers. "AnD iTs OdD hOw TeOcSi HaS ThE sAmE mOtHeRfUcKiN pRoBlEm." gamzee adds. karkat looks at you and frowns. "weren;t you taught to sleep in one? i only don't because i wasn't taught soon enough." you blush. "i really never had a recooperation pod, i just tried to stay awake all the time to keep from those dreams." "well, isn't t)(at cute!" a troll with long black hair and gills like eridan's walks in. ")(i! im feferi!" everybody looks tence. "w)(at's wrong? isn't everybody )(appy?" she looks around at everyone, then back at you. "i think i know why," you say with a very shy voice. "well, your blood color is like a hot pinkish and purple, right? well, mine is light pink." feferi looks at you suprised. "so, im not really the empress, nore w)(ere my ancestors?"you feel really guilty for this but you mutter the words out. "i-i guess." she hugs you. "its ok, im just glad its not all on me anymone. t)(e pressure, i mean." you are very suprised. you notice gamzee is looking at you in a particlar way that helps you remember something. "oh my god, i remember now. there were others like me, but we got split. i only remeber two of them. but not where they are." you quickly stutter out. everyone is suprised, but in a happy way. "do you know the two trolls names and their signs. i think i know something that might help us," karkat said with a rushed tone. "there was chekri suorjo, a capircorn, and kukoti evasni, a libra. they were my best friends when we were wrigglers growing up. they're both a sweep older than me, so they were like mother and father." karkat and gamzee look at eachother. "ThAtS aLoT dIfFeReNt FrOm WhAt Me And TeReZi ArE lIkE," gamzee says with a suprised look on his face. "so, my guess is that, these new trolls will have colors that, like kanaya would say, "look good," or match each others blood color. like mine is red and her's is pink. its likely that we might have some interesing combos." he smirks. "w8 a minuet, a scorpio wasn't one of your friends?" virska asks with an annoyed tone. "n-no." now you let your anger thats been bent up inside of you out. "ok, you know what, im tired trolls treating me like im just another nook stain sucker! can you please act like you have some courtesy and actually give me some first empressions here?" everyone looks at you astonished. well, everyone exept karkat. he smiles. "i like this new recruit already!" he wraps his arm around your shouler. nepeta looks at you with a jelous glare. "i-i hope i wasn't being rude, but-" "no, your fine. you had anger all up inside of you for too long, have you not?" amother troll walks into the room. "grettings. my name is kanaya. welcome to our humble base." you grin. "you seem just like chekri when i first met her," you say. "who's-" "a friend of )(ers," feferi answers. you suddenly feel light headed. "oh god, not again." karkat grabs you to help you stand up. "what's wrong?" every troll asks. "its just a feeling i get when chekri or kukoti is in trouble. and its really bad when there closer. but it only happens when i don't know where they are." every troll helps you to the recooperation pod. "howw bad is it?" eridan asks. "its not terrible, but as i drift asleep, it hurts more." karkat goes to gamzee. "you gotta go to prospit!" he says. "w)(y does he need to do that?" feferi asks. "just trust me on this. sollux, have everyone keep teocsi awake, we don't need her to hurt more. im gonna get gamzee to sleep." he rushes out of the room, and the last thing you remember is seeing karkat, petting your hand while he murmered some words to you. your pain has been gone, but you still feel some trolls are in trouble. but not kukoti.
This is a very good story i like the idea and fandom. I like the set up,but it lack proper punctuation and some words are misspelled. I myself make mistakes to so its nothing that isn't normal. What I would do is maybe write the story on paper first and review it yourself.I would also maybe run it through a spell check site.
I also noticed the words run together just slightly. What you could do is make the paragraphs a little shorter. All in all this is a great piece of work and you wrote really good so keep on posting its a amazing story!
HEy mi7un4c4p70r,
I will be reviewing your work today.
Okay as this is your first time, excellent job. I really liked the concept and your base seems strong too, that's a positive remark. Plus the story seemed to me as a great piece there.
Mistakes are what everyone makes so don't be afraid of them. I am going to point some of the mistakes that you did so that you can know where you are wrong and you can improve.
My first recommendation to you is that instead of using 'you' you use She/He or I. I mean instead of saying "you lay in a dark void" and "you are in a aqward position" You say ' I lay in the dark' or 'she lays in the dark' because that more appropriate.
NOTE: If you are thinking of changing, then you have to edit the whole thing out And it's not that important to actually change it, just a recommendation
Then the spelling mistakes, It is 'awkward' not 'aqward'. And you should actually capitalize the first letter of every word after the fullstop (.)
Then there are a few places where you should use comma instead of a (.)
We use commas to separate things in a list or series, between two or more adjectives that independently modify a noun, before a conjunction between independent clauses.
I have corrected the punctuation mistakes below.
You lay in a dark void, your arms spread out to grip something to hold on to. There is nothing. You float forward, not knowing whats ahead. You are in an awkward position. Alone and helpless but suddenly, there is a flash of light. Golden and warm. You continue towards it.
Also I would recommend you to write in more shorter paragraphs. That makes it easier and gives a less congested look.
In the fifth line it is 'Obvious' not 'ovious' .
And well, in this para too there are almost the same mistakes, punctuation errors, grammatical mistakes.
You should capitalize not only after (.) but also in the inverted commas. Like for example you said "uh, yeah. its that obvious, isn't it" It should actually be:
"Uh, yeah. It's that obvious, isn't it"
The other paragraph as well as the chapter has grammatical errors too, just concentrate on your grammar. A tip: you can always first write it in microsoft word and then copy-paste it to here. It's easier that way and you won't have a lot of mistakes then.
And also I think you are a new member so you might not know this, that you should actually post your second chapter in a new submission. It's better that way.
Overall: Great concept, enjoyed your work here but you might want to work on the few things I mentioned because if those mistakes are removed from this work then I must say, it will be a hit. Keep working and never get discouraged. Everyone in the beginning has mistakes so don't worry about them just try to consider them and erase them.
Well that's it. I hope it helped and keep writing. Good luck for your next work.
Umaima
No hate comments here buddy, don't worry
. I would just like to point out how there a lots of spelling mistakes and no punctuation what so ever. It's quite some fiction. I love the originality and the way you have chose to tell the story. Keep up the good work.
please don't be putting hate comments on this. its my firs fanfic