Random

Hello there Welcome to YWS!
I'm going to sound repetitive here but the title is very disappointing. The contents of the poem have nothing to do with the title. I liked the first stanza, but everything after that went down hill for me. I was confused, I really did not get what point you were circling around. Your ideas are just everywhere and it's confusing...perhaps that's why you called it 'random'. I did not enjoy it, but that's just me I guess.
Keep writing and good luck!

mhutch1995 wrote:A short little poem I just put together. I don't often write poetry, but I thought I might give it a try. Hope you like it.

I know you're angry with me,
but please give me some time.
To sort things out within my head,
I know it's not a crime.

Just give me a few more days,
to sort things out withing my mind.
If I can't solve these problems now,
I think that you will find:

I'm crazy, reckless, always on the run.
From what makes me sick, and you think its fun?

This struggle is aimless, and may consume us all,
But as of right now, you sit and wait and stall.
The clock is ticking, never resting time,
Tick-Tock, the moment has come, to answer the call.

If there's anything left to say,
Oh please say it to me now.
For I am afraid,
My mind is failing me.
I'm slowly slipping away.

If you wait much longer,
My mind will be gone.
Hold your breath now,
Hold your breath forever.

mhutch1995 wrote: I know you're angry with me,
but please give me some time, (comma here)
To sort things out within my head. (period here) This line feels to forced to me. Like, maybe if you shortened it and made the rhythm match, it might read better.
I know it's not a crime. What? This last line confuses me. I think you might have just put this line here so then it rhymed. Like rule 13 says: "Omit needless words." I think this line is needless, honestly.

Just give me a few more days, (no comma here)
to sort things out withing my mind.
If I can't solve these problems now,
I think that you will find: I don't like this last line either. Mostly because you're ending the stanza with a colon. If you're going to end this particular line with a colon, I would put this stanza with the one right below.

I'm crazy, reckless, always on the run. (no period)
From what makes me sick, and you think it's fun?

This struggle is aimless, and may consume us all,
But as of right now, you sit and wait and stall. I think this line could be better in means of rhythm. by that, you can either add commas before every "and", or take out the "and"s and just put commas, except for the last "and".
The clock is ticking, never resting time,
Tick-Tock, the moment has come, (comma is needless) to answer the call.

If there's anything left to say,
Oh please say it to me now.
For I am afraid, (Are you trying to say "For I'm afraid that my mind is failing me"? If not, then instead of a comma, put a period.
My mind is failing me.
I'm slowly slipping away.

If you wait much longer,
My mind will be gone.
Hold your breath now,
Hold your breath forever. This stanza seems to lack any flow or rhythm. I suggest changing it, or rewording it. Maybe you can switch out words to make it seem more of a climactic and powerful ending.

I really liked this poem although I do think you should change the title to something else, right now the poem could be about romance, or killings or anything. Keep up the good work you are a great writer. happy holidays jenn