They march miserably through the thick, brown mud, riddled with puddles of mucky water that ripple in the rain that falls in sheets to blind them. Their feet fall, making sickening sucking noises, the mud gripping their leather boots to further impede them, as a web holds it's weavers prey. But still they amble through, their cold wet garments clinging to their skin as water and sludge seeps into their boots. Clad in a mottled green to provide some camoflage, they each bare a black, full metal rifle, sleek and sinister, shining dully through the dounpour. Clipped to their belts are various utilities. They carry nothing else, except for the odd crucifix, or picture. None of them speak, their mouths shut against the onslaught of water, lest they drown in it. They can barely see the man who walks in front of them. They know only by the bud that clings their feet longingly to the ground that they are still on some sort of trail.
And the rustle of leaves all around them is neither seen nor heard over the pounding rain, as a new rain fell upon them. A lead rain, that left great red pools of blood as, peppered with wounds, the lead soldier fell. To turn and run was not an option. Each knew that they would die. They each frantically raised their rifles, and let fly a hail of lead. But one by one each was slain, laid low by the relentlessly blaring guns of their enemies. Soon each one lay dead, their spirits far away now, in some other place, perhaps where the fallen warriors go to be at peace.
Or perhaps nowhere at all.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey there!
Starleene here!
It’s review day! I came across your piece a couple days ago but I wanted to save my reviews for today, so here it is!
“They marchmiserably throughthe thick, brown mud, riddled with puddles of mucky water that ripple in the rain that falls in sheets to blind them.
There are a couple mistakes here such as: you need to separate “march” and “miserable” as well as “through” and “the.”
“Their feet fall, making sickening sucking noises, the mud gripping their leather boots to further impede them, as a web holds it's weavers prey.”
I think that you should replace the comma after “noises” and replace it with a semi colon. Also, I think that you used the wrong form of “it.” I believe you meant to use “its” without an apostrophe.
“But still they amble through, their cold wet garments clinging to their skin as water and sludge seeps into their boots.”
Again, I think that you should replace the comma after “through” with a semi colon. It separates the sentence into two coherent thoughts that add more impact than the one.
“Clad in a mottled green to provide some camoflage, they each bare a black, full metal rifle, sleek and sinister, shining dully through the dounpour.”
In this you just have a couple spelling errors here. Camoflage is spelled “camouflage,” and dounpour is spelled “downpour.” Also, I think that you should replace the comma after “sinister,” with a semi colon to add intensity.
“They carry nothing else, except for the odd crucifix, or picture.”
In this sentence I think I know what you mean but you conveyed it very strangely. Maybe consider changing the sentence to read something like, “They carry nothing else besides a crucifix or a picture, here or there. Hmm, maybe?
“They know only by the bud that clings their feet longingly to the ground that they are still on some sort of trail.”
Small typo: “bud” changed to “mud.” This is a really awkward sentence. You should consider revising it. I had to read this sentence a couple times to understand what you were trying to say and then I understood.
“A lead rain, that left great red pools of blood as, peppered with wounds, the lead soldier fell.”
If you replace the semi colon after “rain,” the impact of the rest of the sentence would be much more…well…impactful! Also, watch your punctuation. I know that you’re trying to make it intense but sometimes intensity comes with subtlety. So watch where you put your commas.
“… in some other place, perhaps where the fallen warriors go to be at peace.”
This is the last semi colon I ask you to consider! I promise! You should put it after “place.” Then it would be perfect!
I can’t tell you how much I love this piece! I remember writing something like it for my history class and I thought it was the best piece of work I ever did write! I love, love, loved it! The intensity and the insight was amazing. It makes me feel proud of my country men (I’m from America). Thank you for this piece! I think that’s all I have for right now! I can’t wait to read more from you!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.
The description in the first paragraph was excellent. To be honest, I was surprised by how little description there was in the second paragraph after that rush of description. Details are everything. Did they cry out? What sound did the firing guns make? Describe the hot, red blood running from their bodies. I'm no trying to be gory here, but if you write something and people die, it is expected there is description. Talk about one soldier thinking about how he'll never see his kids again. The description in the first paragraph was excellent, though.