Chapter Two:
The Mage in the Mountain.
Before she had met them, she would have never thought them significant people. But having been rescued from what would’ve been her doom, she thought them nothing short of heroic. The Dwarf’s axe was an unstoppable force of pure fire and metal, shearing flesh and bone from itself in the time it took one to blink. It seemed nothing could touch him, the way he went into the fray, killing all in hispath, and emerging unscathed. He could be a god of war, for all she knew. That flaming axe was enough to convince anyone of that. She kept her distance from it as they walked to the inn where the dwarf was staying, so that they could get a drink. She could use one. And then there was the elf, Kiroy. He gave the aura of one who knew more than known by the above average intelligence. He had a certain look in his eye, as if everything he saw was a puzzle that he had tosolve, and in doing so could gain new ways to solve yet bigger puzzles. Also, the way he shot an arrow into pure darkness and hit an orc in the heart in the blink of an eye was a feat of prowess of which she had never seen. He was tall, mysterious, and quite obviously powerful. He scared her almost as much as the dwarf. But to both sheowed a debt, one that would be repaid. She stole a glance at her shoulder. The blood flowed slower now, but it still burned with a pain that could only be described as getting your shoulder sliced open almost to the bone with a scimitar. She clutched it tighter, and winced. This did not go unnoticed.
“Don’t do that, you’ll start the bleeding again.”
She looked up. Kiroy the elf had turned around to look at her. He grinned. She looked down, for her feet were suddenly fascinating. She hated itwhen people made her feel stupid, but didn’t have the strength to call the elf on hisinsult.
“Didn’t mean to make you feel stupid, just don’t touch it. I’ll heal it when were back at Kollek’s room. I was surprised myself when he offered for us to stay.” Kiroy said. He wasn’t looking back at her anymore. How did he…?
“Here we are.” said Kollek, walking through the door of a tall building with a sign in the window saying Rubin’s cheap Rooms! Gwendolyn sighed. This can only possibly end well she thought sarcastically. The waiting room was a room with two chairs, one for the receptionist, and one for the people who want to rent a room.
“Kollarsson?” said the receptionist.
“yep” said thedwarf. The receptionist nodded and Kollek continued forward.
When they were in the room, a dusty square with a bed and bath, Kollek went downstairs to go to the Heavy Barrel, which was conveniently across the street. That left Gwendolyn alone with Kiroy. Kiroy turned to Gwendolyn.
“Would you like me to fix your arm?” he said kindly.
“No, I think it’s fine.” replied Gwendolyn.
“It’s not fine, your bleeding again.” said Kiroy, pointing to her shirt slowly getting redder. Gwendolyn muttered a curse, and insisted that she not require healing. After about a cup and a half of blood, she finally gave in.
“Ok, so I need you to remove your shirt.”
“Excuse me?” Gwendolyn turned slightly red.
“Only your outer shirt, of course, so you can leave on what’s underneath.” “I haven’t got anything underneath this; this is all I have on!”
“No, you’ve got that chainmail on under that.”
“How do you know what I’m wearing under this?” Gwendolyn was very red now, and her voice was rising.
“Nothing I just saw…”
“Why were you looking…?”
“I just see what’s there! Now take off your shirt so that I can fix your damned arm!”
“How dare you! I’ll haveyou know that I don’t just take my shirt off for any old reason!”
“So what do I have to do to get you to remove your shirt?”
“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”
“Nothing! Nothing! If you’d just let me look at your arm…”
“You seem to have eyes sharp enough to detect my arm from over there, dirty…”
“JUST LET ME HEAL YOUR ARM!” and the room fell silent, the air grew chill and the lights dimmed. This was the air of power that frightened Gwendolyn. She was tempted to run, but Kiroy changed instantly. His eyes were sympathetic, and hejust wanted to heal her so…
“You promise not to…”
“I just want to fix your arm.”
“Well…” She hesitated, then slowly lifted her shirt over her head. All that was left was thechainmail, which was partially see-through. She wanted to cover herself, but shedidn’t want to show embarrassment.
Kiroy walked over to her, and sat her down on thebed.
“Extend your arm.”he instructed. She obeyed. There was slight warmth in her arm. “This will hurt” he said. She looked ather arm. A glowing circle of runes lit up on the Elf’s hand, and he pressed itto her shoulder. Her arm felt like it was being prodded with molten metal, burning away flesh and bone, and the fire began to work through her veins. She yelled. She couldn’t move. As fast as the pain begun, it was over. Magic. The elf uses magic. He’s a wizard. I was rescued in part by a wizard.
“You… You are a wizard! A magic user! No… this is bad…”
“I assure you there is nothing wrong with magic, depending on the kind.”
“What kind wasthat? You lit my arm on fire!”
“Look at your shoulder, and tell me magic is all bad.”
“Fine, magic is all…” she began, but her shoulder was fine. Better in fact. Not even a scar. The blood was gone.
“Well… I still don’t see why I had to remove my shirt.” Gwendolyn said, for the sake of argument.
“Unless you wanted the shirt tobecome one with your skin, it wasa wise idea. I say so from experience. It’s painful, more painful even then that you experienced during my healing you.”
“Oh.” she said, for she could say nothing else. It seemed this wizard elf Kiroy had an answer to every question. The door opened, and in came Kollek. He stopped in the door, a wide grinon his unusually redface. He was obviously drunk.
“Well, Elf, didn’t think you had it in you!” he said, his speech heavy with dwarven ale. Gwendolyn suddenly remembered her shirt was off, and thistime she did cover herself with her arms. “Knock three times on the wall when it’s my turn!” he said winking at Gwendolyn. He almost fell forward through the door.
“Ah, get some sleep Kollek. For the time I’ve known you, which isn’t long, I think we should look into the death of that man, Yev, tomorrow.”
“Don’t tell me I need sleep, I feel fine.” Kollek said, followed by a hiccup.
“Fine, don’t sleep.”
“You aren’t the boss of me,I’ll sleep if I want!” he said, and he fell face first on the floor and began to snore. Kiroy went to close the door.
“You mayput your shirt on now.”
Gwendolyn looked in the corner where she had thrown her shirt, and it wasn’t there.
Where did… she thought, but it was on thebed, folded, and the blood stains had come out. “You take the bed. I don’t need to sleep.” and hesat on the floor, cross legged, and closed his eyes. He lay perfectly motionless, barely breathing. Kollek snored away, still sleeping on theground. What strange people, she thought. Then she smiled. She sensed that she’d be spending a long, long time with these people. She could tell when people were going to change herlife, and it was as though these two had flipped it over on its back. The last thing she thought before she fell asleep wasam I truly here?
The morning came accompanied by total silence. Kollek had awoken, and he was polishing his axe while grumbling about how he’d been cheated out of sleeping in his own bed. Gwendolyn lay asleep in thetattered bed, her face holding a peaceful beauty unmatched by beings mortal or otherwise. Kiroy found himself making a conscious effort in remembering to breathe as he dedicated his mind to his eyes, memorizing her face. Kollek let slip a short laugh.
“Wake her. We’d best be seeing to what happened to that man last night, Kiroy.” he said
meaningfully. Kiroy felt as though, for the first time in years, he had people to protect. His short time with this dwarf and thiswoman convinced him that, somehow, they were destined to meet. Something big was unraveling, and this was just the beginning. Reluctantly, he reached down and touched Gwendolyn’s shoulder.
“Time to rise.” he said, gently. Gwendolyn groaned. “Up now, or the trail will have run
cold”
“What trail?” Gwendolyn said, yawning as she threw her covers back. She had slept in her
clothes. A sigh of almost disappointment was audible from Kollek’s direction. “That of the man who was killed, probably by cultists.”
“When did thishappen?” asked Gwendolyn, now suddenly alert.
“Just five minutes before we ran tosave you, girl.” Kollek broke in, as though this was
something learned in school byyoungsters, and that everyone should know.
“Well, sorry if I was preoccupied with some orcs when it was occurring.” retorted Gwendolyn hotly. Kollek looked down, rubbing the back of his head. He had a definite hangover from the previous night.
“Let’s not fight this early in the morning.” said Kiroy. He thought best to stray from conflict.
“What business is it tous, anyway?” said Gwendolyn, obviously wanting to go back to sleep. Kollek replied flatly.
“Because there’s something powerful out there, something that could threaten the whole of Artildon. You know it, don’t you wizard?”
Kiroy stood like seemingly transfixed on the opposite wall. “I remember. Those runes were of dark origin, created by something more powerful then I have ever seen. I fear for the world as we know it. We have no choice, we must act quickly. I think… I think we met for a reason, Kollek and Gwendolyn. I think…”
“What?” said Gwendolyn. “That we’re to be some sort of storybook heroes, set out to
save the world?”
“Yes.” Kollek and Kiroy said, simultaneously. Gwendolyn looked atboth of them. A fighter of Kollek’s strength, with that wizard, and surely they could well be heroes. She decided toplay along.
“I have come to a decision.” she announced.
“What is it, your honor?” Kollek said, mocking a bow. Gwendolyn ignored this.
“It is that I will follow you on your ‘heroic quest’ and help you.”
“Very well, but don’t die on my watch.” said Kollek. “I’ve seen too many comrades fall for my lifetime. Do you know what you’re in for?”
“Yes, I know quite well what to expect.”
Kollek laughed. “Ha! Good, because I don’t either.”
Kiroy laughed as well. But deep within, feelings of fearwere stirring. Those runes were runes of the darkest kind. Those runes were meant to channel the soul of the victim to wherever the heart was. That means, with enough souls and hearts, the captor of these souls could obtain unspeakable power, and even Kiroy couldn’t tell what the purpose could be, if not destroy the entire universe.
“You coming, Elf?” said a voice at the door. It was Kollek. Kiroy hadn’t realized he’d been thinking so long. He hurried out the door behind the others.
Once outside he noticed that it was cold, despite the sun. That’s odd. It’s ten in the morning, it should be warm by now. There was death in the air. Fear, and magic. It was faint, but it was there. Dark deeds were performed not far from here, and notlong ago, he thought.
They arrived at a small temple dedicated to Hariil, the goddess of light. The priest there, old and withering, wore gold necklaces bearing the holy symbol of Hariil, the Sun, and an elegant red robe with gold trim. He answered questions as quick as they came.
“Do you know anything about last night’s happenings?” asked Kiroy.
“I hear there was a fight at the Heavy Barrel, but other than that and the man who got his heart taken, I know nothing.”
“So you know about the man Yev?”
“No, just the one who got hisheart cut out.”
Kiroy put his palm to his face. Simply brilliant. “Do you know about the runes on his chest?”
“Who’s chest?”
Kiroy groaned aloud. Gwendolyn giggled behind him. He looked back to find her suddenly interested in her own lap.
“The runes, marks of Haraax, they mean to trap souls and use them for… well I don’t
know.”
“He wishes to, using the souls, blast a hole through the mortal plane and tothat of
Haraax, so that she may travel between the parallel dimensions so that she may walk among us in the form of an interplanar being of unimaginable power.”
Kiroy was taken aback. Suddenly, the old man seemed wise, instead of dumb as he was before. “How did you…?”
“Tell me, Kiroy.” How did he know my name? “Are you familiar with the great starfall that took place 300 years ago?”
Kiroy did know. He had read about it, he was but a baby then. “The one where the two stars actually hit the ground? One landed in a horse pasture of some man’s castle, and the other was never discovered!” The old priest laughed.
“I know where it is. I’veknown where it is for 300 years. I’ve known where it is, just as you know that you need to find it.”
“I didn’t know that I…”
“You do now!” said the old priest. Kiroy stood open mouthed. “Where is it?”
“In a lake, somewhere in Artildon.”
“I don’t see why we need to find it.” Gwendolyn had spoken. “After all, it’s just the remains of some silly stone that have been at the bottom of a lake for 300 years.”
“Yes, I suppose you don’t need a rock.” said the priest. “But you do need the Amulet of
Hariil.”
“What amulet?” asked Kollek.
“Starfallenamulet of light, the ancient amulet of Hariil, for I fear that our enemy has the
other amulet, the Amulet of Haraax.”
“How do we obtain such an object?” Kiroy asked.
“You must simply find it, and hope that it accepts you.”
“So you say that even if we do find it, itcould be a useless jewel?” asked Gwendolyn. “Yes. That would be bad.” replied the priest.
“But why us? Why must we make this journey?”
“For the same reason that the sky is blue and the sun shines bright! It is the will of higher beings! It is destiny!” The priest was standing now, his palms outstretched. Gwendolyn found this hard to believe, but the other two were excited. Kollek had a mad look in his eye, one that made him look like a young dwarf, one that wasjust itching to see the world. Kiroy, too, had a look in hiseye that told of excitement. Gwendolyn couldn’t help but smile. I may follow these two to a dusty hotel room, butto the lair of an evil being of unspeakable power? Let the games begin!
“Which way to the lake?” asked Kollek, jumping to his feet. The priest looked over at
him.
“It is north west of here, in the center of theland. However, you cannot hope to achieve thisamulet without destroying its defenses.”
“Defenses? What defenses?”
“I will let you see. But I can tell you where you must go. First you must go and prove your worth. You must release the dragon under Ploran’s peak. But it is locked away by a bond that has been forged by Men, Elves, and Dwarves together. The gods were mistaken and
chained up thewrong dragon, the dragon of Aurus. But they could not break the bonds. Necros, the evil dragon, ran free. The gods chased it and, not wanting to take risks, slayed it. But not before it laid a single egg. This egg contained Haraax. But let Aurus not be forgotten! It, too, laid an egg, inside was Hariil. To this day, Aurus is still bound by the three chains of Man, Dwarf, and Elf. In order to free it, you must break the bonds at their source.”
“Where are these bonds? What are they?” asked Kiroy, his face a mask of excitement.
“They lie in the realm of the men, dwarves and elves. They are all guarded by guardians of great power, and few would best them. In the mountains of Kingore, there is the Chain of Kingrek, god of dwarves. In Rialem,there is the chain of Riaho, god of elves. And finally, in Vestalia, there is the chain of Vesero, god of man. To break these bonds you must destroy their guardians. Then, and only then, can the dragon be released. It will come to you as fast as it can after the last bond is broken.”
“But how? How could Aurus have survived so long?” said Gwendolyn, thinking aloud. “It is said that a man was made immortal and given the wings of an eagle, so that he
could hunt for the dragon. So he sustained the dragon, and he does tothis day, as well as guards the dragon. Wherever the dragon goes, so does this man. His name, as they call him, is TheWinged One, or more commonly, White-wing.”
“So, once again,” spoke Gwendolyn, “we will go about defeating this master of all
darkness by breaking three ancient bonds that the gods themselves could not break, make friends with a dragon and his winged friend, and collect an amulet that may or may not chose one of usas worthy so that we may duel this dark wizard and his followers and hopefully defeat him?” Her tone obviously said I can’t believe I thought I knew what I was signing up for.
“Best day ever!” exclaimed Kollek. “Come! Vestalia is not far! We can buy horses, for I have gold! Kiroy, gather your spell-books!” his glee was almost palpable, flowing through the air like smoke, and his face was a mask of child-like joy. Gwendolyn was petrified. She had no intention of dying. She voiced this aloud.
“I have no intention whatsoever of dying at the hands of some all-powerful guardian!” Kiroy looked her in the eye, his voice serious and strong. “Good. Because I will not allow
you to die.” this was touching toGwendolyn. She felt almost emotional. She had a friend who cared for her, even after less than twenty four hours… and he was a wizard! An elf wizard!
“Go now! Make haste!” said the old priest. “Go now to defeat the mage in the mountain!”
They rode in silence for roughly an hour, and already Muurnil was but a spot on the horizon, fading slowly as they moved forward at a steady walk. Their horses were bought from thestables of Muurnil, and they were good horses. Kiroy rode a pure black mare, named Mercury. Kollek rode a sturdy buckskin pony named Prada, and Gwendolyn had a brown stallion named Bardok. They walked silently, mostly because there was too much to talk about. Gwendolyn had never left the city of Muurnil, where her father had taught her to fight in the hopesthat she could become a great warrior so as to pay off hisgambling debts. She ran away when she was five, fighting in tournaments and living off of the winnings. Kiroy had never been on an adventure, though this was just the beginning. His eyes were sharp, looking into the woods to either side. The rode was straight, dull, and the woods on either side were an endless sea of sameness, and the party soon grew bored. None spoke, however, until they hit a fork in therode.
“Lead on, Kollek, surely you know which way to go.” SaidGwendolyn. Kollek stayed still, thinking apparently.
“But this… this is wrong, the road didn’t split when I last traveled to Vestalia. What road is this?” Kollek was evidently not the walking map he thought he was going to be, and scratched his head while looking down the two paths. There was no sign post that could be seen.
“Are we lost? It’s not been two hours and were lost?” Kiroy said, growing impatient. Adventures are really boring, he thought. His impatience rubbed off on the others, and the most difficult argument known to mankind broke out: go right, or go left. The left road seemed
straighter, and the right road curved off tothe side. But if the Right one curved, then It could be curving back toward Muurnil. But if it were to curve toward Vestalia, then the other road would lead us nowhere. It was finally decided that they would go left.
“Left is a more promising direction in general, anyhow.” Argued Gwendolyn.
“He who turns only left walks in circles.” Kiroy said, grumbling. Gwendolyn had been the onlyone who wanted to go left, but, being born a woman, she had the uncanny ability to sit there and yell until the argument was won. Outrageous. Kiroy should just go back to Rialem.
But hedidn’t. He wanted to fight evil, kill orcs, show the world that he could be a hero. His
family would give back the loveso brutally ripped away from him. “I must tell you something.” Kollek spoke up.
“What might that be? That we should have gone right?” Gwendolyn asked, grinning. “Yes, and no.” Kollek was grinning as well, a mad fire burning in hiseyes. There was an
audible thock in the tree to Kiroy’s right. A crossbow bolt lay there in the bark, embedded to the shaft. Without even pausing he flung his arms in a wild gesture and threw out a wall of force that passed through Gwendolyn and Kollek, and more bolts disintegrated as they passed through the transparent barrier. Goblins and orcs, green and angry, tusks and fangs glistening with drool, scimitars and sickles raised as they bellowed orcish challenges. Kiroy’s shield held, but it did nothing to the onslaught of goblins and orcs. Their projectile weapons disintegrated upon coming within five feet of the party, showering them with steel and wood dust. Kiroy mademore gestures and an orb of greenish liquid gathered over his hand. He threw it down
and it hit three goblins full in the face, melting flesh away from bone. They writhed in agony for seconds before falling, only to be trampled by more enemies. There were dozens of them. Kiroy jumped down from his horse and began to chant again. Gwendolyn and Kollek followed. As one theydrew their weapons, Gwendolyn a gleaming broadsword that she held in two hands, Kiroy
a longsword that he grasped in his left, gathering energy with hisright. Kollek drew his wicked greataxe, an inferno dancing along it’s blades. He bellowed a wordless cry of challenge and charged. His axe was met by the cleaver of an orc. The arm of the defending orc collapsed
under the sheer force of the blow, and the axe sheared through flesh and bone, and theorc fell to the ground with his head down to his torso cut in two. Parrying blows faster than they came, and returning them with speed of a mongoose, Gwendolyn was taking down orcby orc with her sword in a storm of blood and steel. Kiroy raised his right fist in the air, and it crackled with arcane power. An orc ran up with his falchion coming down on his head. Kiroy parried with the sword in his left hand, and with his right he punched the orc in thestomach. Lightning arced through the orcs body, blasting a hole through the other side and branching out to fell five or
six more orcs. They took no casualties. The orcs circled around them with their spears, while the horses lay untouched some 30 feet into the woods. Kiroy, Kollek, and Gwendolyn were surrounded. Kollek laughed, a maniacal laugh that frightened Gwendolyn and Kiroy almost as much as it did the orcs. He gripped the axe with both hands and struck the ground with it. A ring of fire burst out around them, setting ablaze every orc surrounding them. The fire was so intense that they had to shield their eyes, and the orcs burned without mercy. Flesh melted off of blackened bone, and metal glowed red in the blaze. Then as soon as the orcs were dead, the fire went out all at once, without even a trace of smoke. Gwendolyn and Kiroy were awestruck at this amazing feat of power. Gwendolyn was very jealous, for though she fought well, she lacked in power, raw power. Kiroy had created lightning, and Kollek a blazing inferno. Gwendolyn had a sword. Hurrah for Gwendolyn, the totally ordinary. She only hoped that this wasn’t her last chance to be someone important.
“Gwendolyn! You really should see this.” Kollek’s voice rang out, a sound of concern in his voice. He held up a charred piece of paper. Gwendolyn took it. On it was a symbol, a name, anda picture. The symbol was a skull, black with fiery pupils. The picture was of a woman, with blond hair, fair skin, and the most piercing sapphire eyes. The name: Gwendolyn Helena. It was an extermination notice. Someone’s out to kill me? she thought. Her eyes would not remove themselves from the paper. I’m on a hit list!
Oh woe.
I dash to your second chapter, eager to see if you've now introduced cunning and satirical elements of humor, but alas all is naught! This proceeds exactly as the first chapter.
Except you know, now you have an old priest, a quest by the will of the gods, a sassy female warrior (is she a redhead? Don't lie), a quest, and an ambush. Oh yes, and belligerent sexual tension. I assume it'll become a love triangle at some point! Or maybe jealousy will cause conflict. Bonus points if the mind games of a dark god come into play. Also our sassy female heroine being targeted by a mysterious assassin.
Tense change there is incorrect. Keep things nice and third person. Nice and grammatically correct.
Well, with some improvement, this will become the archetypical high fantasy. Which people like, so I'm sure you'll have followers, if you publicize this enough. Unfortunately, this isn't very original (yet!).
The improvement I speak of is polishing up your grammar and throwing in some description. There are some places you could bulk things out, for example, when your characters travel to the temple of Haaril. You could describe the city streets, for example. But of course, that's not really necessary. On the other hand, I would think a description of the temple and perhaps the priest himself would be nice.
Your combat isn't detailed enough for me to help you there, so that's one less thing to worry about.
A standard, solid cliched medieval high-fantasy. I can't really say much other than to go for it, and write what you like writing. Nobody has the right to decree that, at least.
Hope this helped
~Ita
may I point out that this was written two years ago? meaning, two years of experience was NOT THERE for when this was written? I literally found it, and slammed it onto this site for something to post xD
Hey Ethri!
~ This is amazing. The description you use is awesome. Keep up the good work!Shady here with your review for chapter two!
You already know how I roll, so I’ll get straight to the review...
~ Can we say drama? Maybe ‘knew more than those commonly hailed as intelligent’ or something. But the ‘knew more than know’ isn’t working for me.
~ This sentence is a bit meh. If you were writing in first person and said “She looked down, her feet seeming to become a fascinating sight for her” or something like that, it’d be funny. But in third person, it’s like you’re saying that she found her feet interesting—when it seems like she’s more trying to hide her embarrassment, rather than some new obsession with feet.
Why does Gwendolyn feel stupid? I mean, what insult did Kiroy speak? It seemed like a harmless warning...
~ I advise you to try and avoid American measures like ‘cup’ in fantasy. Try something more like “After the shoulder of her tunic was soaked through with blood, and the stain began to trail down her arm, she finally gave in.”
xD I enjoy Kiroy and Gwendolyn’s exchange. It feels natural.
I also enjoy the drunk Kollek. “You aren’t the boss of me, I’ll sleep if I want!” this part made me laugh.
~ Nix the ‘either’.
~ She was a great warrior by the time she was five?
~ This sounds really American-ish, which you should avoid in your fantasy story.
~~~
Same as before:
Your spacing is wonky and you’ve got a lot of typos. Run it through a word processor, and iron out all the fine details. Also, I know it’s tough to be ominous and foreboding, but the way they (the priest, especially) talked reminds me of ridiculously dramatic movies.
However, I do believe you’ve got a good storyline behind this. I think you’ve got strong characters that interact nicely (even when they’re not being nice) and they strike me as a trio that can conquer the world.
I’m interested to see how they deal with the dragons, and I quite enjoyed their battle with the orcs and trolls. However, as I mentioned in my last review, people read ‘orc’ and they think ‘Tolkien’.
Alright, sorry if that was too harsh. I’ve done a boatload of reviews today, and you know how that goes: each review is harsher than the last. I am enjoying this story.
As always, PM or wall me if you need any more help or have any questions.
Keep Writing!
~Shady