Blind me, Love
Take my breath
Stay the hell away from me
Push away
Cast to die from
Bleeding wounds in rotting flesh
Your love is in my bones that stare
Through a starved and sunken
Body
Steal my breath, steal my life
I love you, but sometimes
I wish you would…
Die
Three-year poison in my heart
Pumps acid through my veins
Why can’t you be my past?
Stay the hell away
Stay where you
Belong
Dark nights with him
Flesh pressed to flesh
But I thought of you
Cage my heart
I could never love him
With that piece you hold
Captive
Through haze of lust
Fog of love
I still see you and remember
When it was us entwined
In that foolish time
Mouth to mouth
Heart to heart
All I saw was dark
In your
Embrace
Torture me, twist me
There’s nothing more
He’s gone
They all are
For my love is yours
And frankly there’s
Nothing
I can do about it
You suck out my soul
To be with yours
There’s no use for
Beautiful green eyes
Or blue
Or dark
Only your hazel
Your damned hazel
Jesus I hate it
And love coexists with malice
With anger
My life is yours
My love is yours
Fuck you
*It didn't show up as having successfully posted before, so if there are two of this poem I'm sorry.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Actually, the line spacing of this was experimental. I had just spend a night of reading the poet Charles Bukowski, who tends to put words as single lines. It was a clumsy first attempt, I know.
the main problem I encounter while reading this poem is that it relies heavily on cliche.
The enjambment is unpleasant, you know, when you do
this
to a line. It doesn't work for me in this poem.
Basically my suggestion is to read some poetry.
Who, you ask? Federico Garcia Lorca
Then try again. I'd like to see something that does more than skim the surface... maybe with a little sensory / specific detail. Basically I feel like I've read this poem before... over and over again and I'm tired of it.
Beautiful poem.
The only real suggestion I have would be to break your first stanza after 'body, so it reads like this'
Blind me, Love
Take my breath
Stay the hell away from me
Push away
Cast to die from
Bleeding wounds in rotting flesh
Your love is in my bones that stare
Through a starved and sunken
Body
Steal my breath, steal my life
I love you, but sometimes
I wish you would…
Die
Also, delete the extra space in the sentence "I wish you would...".
Other than that, I've got nothing. Excellent work.