Wow. This poem tackles some deep things. Religion is definitely something that, throughout history, has bound people together and also ripped them apart. Like in the Crusades. I think you captured that idea well. I think you also gave out a good expression of your opinion, that the idea of separate religions is just a way to divide people. I will say, though, that many people today are accepting of other religions, even if they don't work with their own. But, of course, that's just my opinion. This is yours.
I think your poem was really well written; your language is beautiful and the flow of this is really something. The way you pose your words helps the message sink in even deeper. It's almost like a speech in the way that each word is proclaimed. I can almost hear the music swelling behind the words, echoing triumphant and true.
I do have a few suggestions, just some minor things:
It’s a topic close to my heart,
a constant in my weird mind,
since I remember I could think,
Personally (and this is very stylistic, so I get if you don't agree with this at all) I might change the word "weird" to something a little more eloquent that still captures the word's meaning. The rest of your language is already very eloquent and smooth, and "weird" almost sticks out a little in the wrong way. Also, it might be a good idea to change the comma at the end of the last line to maybe a semicolon or an ellipses. That way that stanza is sealed off more definitively. But again, these are very, very stylistic!
This phenomena surpises me,
you say your religion is perfect and the greatest,
and proclaim me a non-believer.
You spelled surprises wrong. And you might want to italicize that first line, since every other line in the poem is italicized. Unless... is this line meant to stick out in some way?
I have carried this burden way too long
and its time to spit it out
You need to put some sort of punctuation at the end of this stanza. Otherwise it's inconsistent and looks kind of strange, interrupting the flow ever so slightly. Just keep consistent punctuation and capitalization in mind if your decide to edit this poem. In some instances, if could be adjusted a bit. Also, the word is "it's," not "its." "Its" is possessive, while the contraction "it's" stands for "it is." It's a tricky rule. (English sucks.)
Every religion points us in the direction of the one,
Allah, Jesus, Krishna — the names are not the point
they could have been Mohammed, Sally, Rajesh for humanity’s sake!
At the end of this first line, I might put a semicolon, just because in this instance I think a comma is too weak a punctuation point, if that makes sense. And I think I get the point that this stanza is making (that names for deities don't matter, they just divide us--I think?), but I wonder if there's a way you could make this statement without the exclamation point. I don't know, to be honest.
Stop burning and massacring each other,
under the commands of few mighty and wealthy,
who brainwash you and manipulate the flaws of the system.
I might put these three lines together. You put them in separate stanzas, and I can't understand why. It just seems like an incomplete thought, taken up again too late. I might put them in the same stanza. Whichever stanza that is is up to you.
Don’t believe the sham of the religious cons
and let your soul lead the way to your destination.
This is a great conclusion, summarizing your points you made in your poem eloquently and neatly, and also adding a hopeful message at the end.
Overall: I liked this poem a lot! I don't think everyone will agree with it, but I do think they will see that it is well written and flows like a river, and that it states your views clearly. I'm not sure how much I personally agree with this, but I do understand where you're coming from. Religion, as humans have crafted it, has the power to hurt and heal, to save and to kill. We've seen this through history. And you've shown it, abstractly, through your poem.
Points: 962
Reviews: 56
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