Young Writers Society

Hmmm, well, yes, I suppose. But no one likes homework attached to a poem, now do they?

I understand this was an assignment. I'd say you did a bang-up job for the assignment. There were some really great moments (e.g., "it’s commercial warfare a wild arms race the arsenal is jam-packed tight it’s all about who fucks people up the most I need my oxygen"). The structure of it obviously relates to its content, so I have no concern there. Even the thesaurus-like nature of the poem doesn't bother me, since its tone is so quick that it all whizzes past.

What gets me is this poem doesn't say anything. Of course, the speaker is crazy, so this is the intended effect, at least partially. But, the reader shouldn't have to care what you intend. She shouldn't have to say, "The author really achieved her objectives there." Nameans?

So the little tag on to your poem, beyond being patronizing and annoying, destroys what there could be between you and the reader. Luckily for you, you left it at the end. But that will only piss off someone more, after they took the time to read it. There is no Council for the Ethics of Poetry, so you are certainly free to come to your own conclusions. And I tell you this as someone I respect as a poet: serve your reader. When a poet begins to disdain the reader , the poet loses her perspective. What else is poetry than perspective? You can disagree with a reader's opinion, you can even disregard their comments. You can even be pissed at them! But look at it this way: when they are reading your poem, you are responsible for their emotions. So, if you wanted people to feel upset and angry, as perhaps Ginsberg did, let them! Let them not like your poem!

The end.

Jennafina wrote:This sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, like it should be spoken instead of in text. I don't know what you're going for or if you achieved it, but this didn't do anything for me. I found this hard to read, and jerky.
...You use a lot of cool and interesting words, but it just seems like panicky nonsense all put together.

I'm sure I don't understand this poem. I don't even claim to. However, there are a lot of poems I don't fully understand that I still can appreciate and enjoy.

This sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, like it should be spoken instead of in text. I don't know what you're going for or if you achieved it, but this didn't do anything for me. I found this hard to read, and jerky.

I do think a little more capitalization and punctuation would help, but it doesn't sound like you're interested. It's true that a lot of great poets didn't use it, but a lot of other great poets did, and in this poem's case it could make it more fluent, and easier to finish.

I like the last three lines; the pause before going back into the intensity is nice. You use a lot of cool and interesting words, but it just seems like panicky nonsense all put together. Sorry.

Thanks for posting your work, good luck with your writing!

And to the first reviewer: step outside the box. First of all, capitalization can be arbitrary. Ever heard of not only Allen Ginsberg, but Emily Dickenson? e. e. cummings? All of whom are deemed oneof the greatest poets of their time? And poetry doesn't have to be in verses either.

I don't think you guys fully understand this poem.

Have you ever heard of the Beat Generation's key masterpiece "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg? This poem was an English assignment meant to emulate his style.

Just thought I'd clarify. I'm sorry I didn't express this clearly before hand. If you read that poem and come back to this, it will make a lot more sense.

And to the first reviewer: step outside the box. First of all, capitalization can be arbitrary. Ever heard of not only Allen Ginsberg, but Emily Dickenson? e. e. cummings? All of whom are deemed oneof the greatest poets of their time? And poetry doesn't have to be in verses either.

To the most recent reviewer; I didn't mean it to sound like a thesaurus, Those are honestly the first words that came to mind.

Other than that, Thanks for the comments.

It's like drowning in a thesaurus. I prefer to have poetry slosh comfortably around my ankles, not bash me over the head with a vocabulary lesson. Even as a performance poem...I would feel rather overwhelmed listening to it. Focus on your images and your rhythm--those have a good deal of potential.

-Colleen

Quick mod note: I upped the rating from PG-13 to R for heavy instances of swearing.

Welcome to YWS, mercipourlevenin!This is very much poetry (just to confirm since you already knew that ^_^)!

clutching onto a strand of individuality, tenuous, feeble, and the thread is unraveling so fast so fast so fast oh catch them before they fall,

and misunderstood & underappreciated, my psalms of truth gather dust as time withers them away, tragically ignored,

and misunderstood & underappreciated, my psalms of truth gather dust as time withers them away, tragically ignored,

because they’d rather believe those sugar-coated lies those vipers in disguise than my hysterical acrimony, the tortuous cacophony,

because they’d rather ignore the looming face of trickery barely visible through the opaque blockade of toxic grass, of fine powder, of liquid Venom,

those robotic jerking sickening movements and one by one they stand, posers! jokers! liars! deceivers! blank faces & identities they’re all the same searching for nothing, those tragic nomads all identical all the same,

the whole world’s just a big fucking propaganda and tell me kind sir tell me what to say what to believe all around me signs! advertisements! sermons! it’s commercial warfare a wild arms race the arsenal is jam-packed tight it’s all about who fucks people up the most I need my oxygen,

and now their lives dissipate leave muddy tracks that ebb away but the shell is there empty egg rolls crazy wrecked no self control, Allah oh please save them they need their oxygen.

I agree with the other two. This just does not strike me as peotry.It's not even free verse...it is more like a prose if you think about it. It could be title as article....well maybe. I would have at least put it under "other" but not in dramtic poetry.

On the other hand...I did like the prose or what ever you want to call it.

Hate to say it, mate, but this doesn't really strike me as poetry...

More of spoken word or prose, really. But that doesn't mean it's bad. It's just a bit absurd. A tad bit angry, too...that was actually one of the few things I really admired about this was how evident the raw anger is in the piece...

But seriously, if you want this to be a poem, straight up things here. Break down the lines into shorter ones. As it is, the lines are way too long as it is. Also, this isn't a big deal, but I think there are some people on here who would complain because you didn't post an R rating for this piece because of the vulgarities. Just warning you, you might wanna fix that if you can...

Gah!--was my first thought.

I was thinking--is this dramatic poetry, nay, is this poetry. I am guessing from first sight that this should be in verses? Anyway, let's assume it is:

my generation,
beaten and torn,
confined into the straitjacket of conformity,
caught in a fine-spun wicker basket insects swarming over,
crumbling under the hideous deeds of sordid mankind,
swirling in a maelstrom of lifeless delusion,