Man

mer,


This is overmodified.

It falls as an underconceived, clumsy narrative.

This has all the earmarks of something that was dashed off in fifteen minutes--why do you think we would possibly care about the slightest of your whims?


Best,
Brad

I liked this poem. :)

However, it kinda seemed a bit disjointed. I don't know if that was what you were going for or not, though.

And this part:

"You are a true man.
I am your biggest fan."

After the rest of it not rhyming, I found this kind of awkward. But I do like the last line thrown in there, and how it interrupts the flow. Maybe seperate it into two lines, so it appears more like an after thought.

Perhaps:

"Oh -
and Thanks for risking your life for me."

Also, the thanks doesn't need to be capitalized. Unless you want it to be. (Subliminal messaging, maybe? lol)

Really, though, I like it. It's vague, but that's part of the charm. Good work!

I'd rather let the reader guess what it's about than telling them. everybody can interpret words differently so it should just be how you interpret it, not how you're told to.
I do realise the last stanza is quite unnecessary and I don't much like it either- I just didn't really know where to go. But the final line- yeah, that's meant to be there, that's a big part of the reason I wrote the poem.

Um... I liked it, thought it was pretty cool, but then end ending totally threw me off.... from The entire last stanza to the very last line.

I mean, who is this person relative to this "man"? From what I can see I think it's either a hostage or a hooker. I'm sorry that's probably what you're not going for but... it's what I see.

I liked the words... my favorite line was "the god forsaken ramshackle of a warehouse carries your odour." Which lead me to believe the narrartor was either a hostage or a hooker.

Please clarify though... I don't really get it but the words are lovely.

---Elizabeth